Another grandparent one. Who’s in the wrong?

[Kanfuzed123]

Been inspired by another thread to get some perspective on our GP situation and if I have unrealistic expectations.
There’s quite a complex background with all parties so I’ll try to spell it out.

2 DCs 2.5 and NB

DM - problematic relationship to put lightly. She’s a narcissist. DF passed about 6 months ago. She lives 3 hrs away.
MIL- still married to FIL but separated, although she doesn’t acknowledge this. Speaks no English. Historically been v v unkind to me, was NC with her for years til birth of DC1 clean slate, went down hill again. Never worked a day, emotionally blackmails DH but is what would be defined as ‘vulnerable’. Begged to watch DC1 whilst we wfh, several v problematic incidents happened and after a while DH couldn’t defend her anymore and couldn’t deny the care for DC was basically neglectful. So we stopped it. Worth saying DC1 is a very very loving child and this is the only person she actively dislikes and is very distressed around.
FIL- lives with partner/ other woman , SMIL not married. They have 2 adult DC. Not divorced from MIL (this is a huge thing and disgusting behaviour IMO but not going to get into the whys here) classic 1st family v 2nd family DH was largely forgotten about. SMIL problematic lady, could fall out with herslef in a phone box, lots of v derogatory comments about MIL to DH. DH let’s it wash over him but can’t be easy.

So here goes.

They all seem to think the kids should be ferried from Pilar to post to see them and you can’t do one without the other and it’s really grating on me but for different reasons.

DM- expects me to drive the kids to see her, it’s 3 hrs and just not going to happen. Yes I could stay there technically but there’s not enough space and the kids probably wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t offer an atom of help or support. She’d just want to take pictures for face book. This has happened before, hence my never again stance. She won’t meet half way or visit me. She wants regular FaceTimes at her convenience, doesn’t seem to grasp that children go to bed before 10pm. But thinks that on the rare occasion she does she the kids a weekly FaceTime is enough that they’d have a relationship. This is baffling to me, as DD is 2.5 she’s not particularly interested in FaceTime for more than 90 seconds. However to her small credit if she was close by she’d actively spend time with them, park visits or days out.

MIL- can’t drive so would have to either visit her or bring her to us. Each time she comes to my house, there are always underhanded comments made either to us or extended family that comes back to us and i caught her once snooping around in our bedroom. She claimed she got lost but it’s a small 4 bed house she’d been to several times before not a maze, and how she got lost is beyond me. There are the incidents with DD and how distressed she is in her presence. SMIL also said that MIL hits kids, DH insists it’s not true annd SMIL does have a history of lying and causing drama but it has made me nervous. She wants children brought around to her, we’ve obliged on a few instances but she doesn’t interact with them just watches the tv and carries on with her day to day. Tried to include her in an activity and she ruined it by constantly moaning. It cost us £20 for her and it was dinosaur day out at a local and beautiful garden and tea room. We bought her lunch and she was there gagging and pulling faces, people were staring it was that bad. The food was fine, it’s a highly rated tea room. Before anyone queries we didn’t drag her, we said we’re doing this, showed pics and asked if she’d like to come. It was DDs 2nd bday day out. Never again. She also had an utter meltdown because we wouldn’t bring the kids to her when she’d been around someone who tested covid positive yet she refused to take a test. She also had a meltdown over the birth of dc2 as we didn’t let her chose the name.

FIL and SMIL- make slightly more of an effort insofar as they’ve been to our house 4 times in 2 years to see the kids. Invited on days out, picnics, to cricket games in the local parks (FIL is a huge fan) tumble weed, yet moan that we don’t go around.

There is more to this but it’s already super long, so sorry and thank you for reading this much, if I’ve left anything out apologies there is a lot it’s not an intentional drip feed

I guess my question is do i have unrealistic expectations. I don’t expect childcare or sleepovers as frankly none of them have any real relationships to dcs so it would be v distressing for them. I don’t expect them to go to soft play or anything like that, but god some sort of engagement that’s not just us inconveniencing ourselves and sitting in their house whilst they watch the TV. The entitlement is actually making me quite resentful and wanting to pull back.
The only time we have as a family is the weekend, so we like to do things. Nothing too fancy, mooching in city centre, visiting the community farm, coffee shops, art galleries, museums, DD loves it all and they aren’t arsed! When we went to the dinosaur day, there were lots of grandparents with their grandkids and it was simultaneously heartwarming and heartbreaking, that’s the foundation of a lovely relationship, bonding with grandkids over things they love, making memories and my MIL just moaned the whole time and after an hr said she wanted us to leave and drive her home, DD was having the time of her life. All of them want to make 0 effort but when they do see them expect the kids to fall over them and be all lovey to them when they just don’t know them.

So, do I have unrealistic expectations, should they try and engage on our terms a bit or is it reasonable to expect grandkids to be brought to them?

It’s come up again this weekend, asked if by both IL to bring children around to see them for half an hr, it’s a half hr drive each way. We’ve said we have other plans (we do tbf) we prebooked tickets to this role play town a few weeks ago. Both ILs are put out by this, we said what we were doing, asked if they wanted to come, no (understandable) and then invited them around, but that was a no as the drive is too far…

PIL are all healthy and early to mid 50s
Dm- healthy late 60s

Should say posted I aibu too but figured parenting would be better will ask MN to remove aibu

Not worth the headspace OP. Enjoy your gorgeous wee family and disengage with these people. Your house or nothing. Seriously, life is too short for this just enjoy your babies

None of them are ever going to be 5* grandparents so I would drop all expectations.

It is not unreasonable to expect them to visit you, either. Esp not dragging your kids on 3 hour journeys very often.

It’s a shame, it’s sad, but they are who they are.

I wouldn’t bother with your mum unless she comes to yours, I wouldn’t see your mil full stop (your DC bring distressed around her is the biggest reason for this) and I’d expect your fil and smil to mainly come your way but I wouldn’t be putting too much effort in them either. If anyone of them were lovely with the kids, engaged really well and made sn effort then I wouldn’t mind the drama around them or the driving as much but with their behaviour they’re never going to be the doting grandparents you most likely want for your DC

If they can’t be bothered to visit then they can’t expect people to visit them . Seriously none of these people really sound like they have anything to bring to the situation that would actually add value to your childrens lives so stop giving them any headspace .

Really I couldnt be bothered with all this angst. Once a year for the three hour journey to them. The half hour journey could be a bit more often, but as for half an hour visit forget that. . Totally unreasonable.

Do you have other people in your lives who do actually add something? Prioritise those who treat you decently regardless if how closely related.

I don’t know whether your expectations are unrealistic, as you’ve not really mentioned them as of yet. You’ve listed what the GPs have done and said it falls short. Fair enough. Although both your DCs are Covid babies and so you might not want to base expectations on a pandemic situation and withhold both expectations and judgement until things get to a new normal. You haven’t mentioned if any GPs have underlying health conditions that would make Covid more dangerous? By their age it is already no joke.

Sod the lot of them.

@EmpressCixi

I don’t know whether your expectations are unrealistic, as you’ve not really mentioned them as of yet. You’ve listed what the GPs have done and said it falls short. Fair enough. Although both your DCs are Covid babies and so you might not want to base expectations on a pandemic situation and withhold both expectations and judgement until things get to a new normal. You haven’t mentioned if any GPs have underlying health conditions that would make Covid more dangerous? By their age it is already no joke.

Apologies I thought I had @EmpressCixi, basically to put some sort of effort in and just not expect us to chauffeur the kids to them to sit in their houses which is boring as hell for them and selfishly me. It’s like the deadbeat grandparent rodeo.

Idk maybe visit maybe send a birthday card or gifts for DCs at their bday (only my mother has done this ) maybe even a visit. Maybe to want to engage in her bday activity. To want to engage in the days out we’ve asked them on.

Or on the other end of the scale to acknowledge you reap what you sow. You can’t expect the kids to be happy to see you when they don’t know who you are, but according to them it’s our fault that they don’t.

Prime pandemic I didn’t expect or want anything from them but now I do think it’s different slightly. Smi does have copd, still vapes though and socialises so she isn’t shielding. Tbh though, she they aren’t her blood I don’t really expect anything from her and she’s probably the most engaged one out of the lot of them. She’d be the one who buys gifts or toys for them or asks about them, FA from FIL. X mas or for when they were born, not bdays though but I think that’s because she and FIL don’t know when they are. FIL makes a lot of effort with extended family as does MIL.

My mother buys a LOT and I mean an almost obscene amount. DM doesn’t really have underlying health conditions, at least genuinely medically diagnosed ones.

Drop the rope.

Do what suits you and your kids and stop making the effort for these people

This is sort of my thinking too, why bother, it seems like an awfully one way street and they only want to know anne they’re the centre of attention ie picture on social media and making baby announcements and receiving congrats like that, basically showing them off. In the interim… tumbleweed.

Unfortunately DH and I don’t quite see eye to eye re his mother and a lot of excuses get made for her and doesn’t seem to grasp that it’s at the very least rather strange and unsettling that DD has such a strong negative reaction to her, even though she’s been exposed to her the most. MIL is a v dramatic and I’d argue quite manipulative in the emotional blackmail sense so she’s been turning it on big style. But ultimately it’s not my relationship to manage. I simply don’t want to spend my weekend ferrying dcs to the ILs when we could be doing other things. I think I also resent even going there once a month when no effort is made the other side to either come to out house or engage in any activities or actually even ask about their welfare

Sorry for checking back in days later, based on what you listed, no your expectations are not unrealistic at all. I agree with others, no need to take on the burden of doing all the effort from your end. If they want the relationship with the DGCs, the GPs need to put forth the effort. I would leave the door open for them, but not go out of my way creating opportunities or setting things up.