Preteen dilemma

[Sunshine0022]

I am new here, and I guess at this point desperate.
My daughter is 12 turning 13 in a couple months.
I’m the kind of mom that has always been very involved, great communication with all my kids. Lately my daughter is all about her friends. She never wants to be around her siblings( she has a sister that is a year younger) she constantly has “boyfriends” they break up.. she has a different one a week later.. but today was the worst day of my life( or maybe I’m being dramatic?)
I haven’t seen my daughter for two weeks because she has been spending time with her dad, which obviously is great but I miss her of course and was really excited to pick her up tomorrow. It’s her sisters birthday this weekend and I planned a party, to go skiing, ordered cakes all of that. My daughter tells me today she’s not coming home, she instead is staying at her dads and does not want to miss the party her friend is throwing. I immediately said no I’m sorry, but I miss you and you’ve known about your sisters party for a long time and I think it would hurt her if you missed it. Well that went horribly, she completely rebelled against me… she has never not wanted to come home no matter what is going on in her social life.. I have honestly been crying all day because of how she spoke to me and quite frankly I am devastated and just heartbroken. Is it wrong of me to demand her to come home and think about her sister and I instead of her friends? My initial reaction was to give into her, because she will be mad with me if I make her come home. But then I got to thinking…. If I’m going to let her treat me this way now and have her be demanding with me…. What will 15,16 even 17 look like?

Could she do both her sister's party and the friend's party? Or is that impossible to coordinate?

I think you are being a bit dramatic.

Did she tell you about the friends party? At that age their friendships are everything and of course she wants to go to her pals party, rather than her little sister's.

Bit over dramatic, I would expect a 12 yo to go to a mates party over their little sisters. Surely the younger one will want to play with her friends too.

Does the older one usually spend two weeks at a time at her dads?

Is there any chance she’s making a move to live permanently with dad ?

It’s a perfectly normal developmental stage at that age where friends become more important than family. You just need to ride it out and it will reach an equilibrium as a young adult.

Choose your battles.
A friends party is important to a teen more so than her little sister's party.
You may miss her but I assume she's safe at her dad's?
Personally I wouldn't force her to come home but I wouldn't allow her to disrespect you.
I'd be having a conversation about treating each other with respect, I'd explain if she wants to do something, going forward, you're prepared to discuss it with her but you will not allow her to be rude to you, you expect to be treated the same way as you treat her, with love and consideration.
Don't sweat the small stuff, there's bigger battles ahead, believe me ❤️

It's a phase but one you need to think about how you approach.
Her friends are more important than ever right now and missing out on anything will cause much angst.
Think about your red lines and those things that you can compromise on and those you cannot.
Do you get on well with her Dad? Open communication between you and being good co-parents will help.
They do generally come out ok again in a couple of years! But it's part of growing up to separate from your parents at times.
This isn't the same as putting up with poor behaviour!

Thank you for this!!
I wish it Was more about her wanting to spend time with her dad, but unfortunately it’s just about wanting to not miss her friends stuff.
This is new for me that she would ever not want to be home, she has her horses here… hedgehogs… fish.. sheep. I guess I’m just getting a taste of What her growing up looks like, and I was taken off guard.