Desperately need advice

[desperatemammy]

Lying here in tears just feeling like a total failure, my son is 2 and a half and he can be the sweetest thing but my god can be horrible. We are at my mums for a weekend, he went to sleep in his own bed but woke up crying at 2 asking to come in with me. I let him. I suddenly got woken up at 4am by him screaming to go downstairs, I told him to shh it's still night time everyone asleep and he just started shouting at the top of his lungs shut up mummy, go downstairs, it's morning. I told him it isn't morning, don't speak to me like that, come have a cuddle and we'll go back to sleep. Tried to give him a hug and he was just biting me, pulling my hair, pinching me just anyway he could hurt me he would. Screaming at me to shut up the entire time. I kept explaining everything is ok he's just woken up too early, and all he needs to do is stop hurting mummy and we can all go back to sleep, it's still night time that's all. The shouting and the hurting continued and he did a couple of shrill screams like as loud as he could. He woke the entire house up. My mum came in and took him in to the hallway and said you do not hurt your mummy like that, and you do not tell people to shut up, it is night time and we are all trying to sleep. Gave him options of his bed, my bed or her bed but said he must come and lie down in bed for an hour or so and if he's been good and not been mean again then we will go down stairs. He asked to come back in with me. Within 5 minutes he was shouting shut up at me because I said no we aren't going down stairs. I said I'm not talking to you if you're going to be mean to me, so I turned my back to him. Instantly sunk his teeth into my arm and grabbed two fistfuls of my hair as hard as he could. He wouldn't let go at all my mum heard me yelp in pain and came in and witnessed it all. She started saying that she had never seen a little boy be so nasty to his mummy and I just burst into tears. She's taken him into her room and he's not shouting at her yet but I can hear demanding things and refusing to get in bed. I can't believe how upset I am by it. What on Earth have I done wrong and how do I fix it. Shut up is a relatively new phase of his but he just isn't listening to us when we say he can't say it but this behaviour on this level has really shaken me up

Is this only at night time when he's woken up?

My son has the most horrific night terrors. When it started I thought he was just waking up and lashing out as he wanted to get up, then we realised he wasn't actually awake. He would start to scream get away from me, I want my mummy, mummy help me, and it was me standing there the whole time. When it's really bad, he screams until he's sick, hits, screams go away, it's absolutely terrifying. I have to completely ignore it or it escalates. Eventually he screams himself out of it/awake and then he will run to me and cuddle in and just sob and tell me he has the scariest dreams. He's almost 5 and still gets them. I recorded them and spoke with the GP who confirmed night terrors, but if you didn't know what they were it would just look like he was acting up. His eyes are open when they happen, but he's just not there at all. It's horrific. It sounds a lot like what's happening to your son.

Hi, my son was EXACTLY the same. Vicious, violent, awful. I felt like the worst mum in the world, like I must have done something completely wrong.

He was diagnosed with Autism with Pathological Demand Avoidance and extreme anxiety.

The PDA parenting is what helped us, as well as communication cards and 1,2,3 magic.
Camhs is useless in my opinion but ask your gp to refer you to a paediatrician, make sure you look up pda and autism to see if he ticks any boxes, make notes about everything from your pregnancy to now. It might be nothing and he’s just a bitey toddler trying to express his emotions but it’s definitely worth speaking to a professional.

For what it’s worth those were the most difficult years for me but after researching pda it made a huge difference and although we’ve had ups and downs he’s nearly 12 noe and honestly my best friend, he’s growing up into such a wonderful, kind, caring young man. You’re in a difficult place but hopefully with some help and support you can start looking to a happier future.

No I didn't know taking him to his room wouldn't work when he's 2.5. He has great speech and understands a lot, he will say shup and then look me in the eye knowing he isn't meant to say it. I'll say if you do it again you'll go to your room. He will do it again and sometimes will then say himself take me to my room. We take him to his room (he has a stair gate not a door) he will cry a bit and then 2 minutes later we go back and say is saying shut up a nice thing to say, or is it bad? He will say bad. We say and what do you have to say? He will say sorry. No I didn't think that was inappropriate I'm just trying my best to manage a very difficult situation. He's always had a problem for biting, he stopped for months but this past week he's had 3 meltdowns like this and really been vicious. The dog is he loving to most of the time but when he gets upset he bee lines for him. 2 of these melt downs this week have been late at night. 1 was morning. These are the worst I've ever seen him behave but 3 times in a week scares me. He's always had horrible tantrums and can really scream and pull hair and stuff it did settle but seems to be ramping back up, no problems in nursery though I've had a chat with them and they say he's absolutely fine friendly with other kids and happy

How much sleep is he getting? Proper, unbroken sleep?

He's been waking up in the night this week and been waking up early so he is definitely tired. He previously did 7-5 would then come in our bed and go back down until 7/7.30 ish. Bed time is taking hours lately so he isn't falling asleep until 9 ish then he's waking up between 12-2 taking a while to get back down then sleeping until 6 if we're lucky 4 if we aren't

Ah mate. They're just sooooo unreasonable at that age. It's nothing you've done and it sounds like you and your mum handled it really well. Dd went through a stage of lashing out when angry and often would get angry in the early mornings when she wanted to go downstairs but I said it was too early. The truth was she was still massively tired and then overreacted hugely to being told no. He's in a different place, has woken up tired and has lashed out as he hasn't managed to regulate his emotions yet - and is extra unreasonable because he's still tired. It is a phase. Hope you're not too badly hurt xx

So he is seriously sleep deprived. He needs around 11 to 12 hours sleep in every 24. Sleep deprivation is used as torture and over long periods can lead to all kinds of mental health issues in adults. Night terrors and explosive behaviour is connected to lack of sleep IME. You need to speak to your gp to explore the sleep issues and go from there.

Just read all the extra comments. It sounds like he's really, really tired. I'm horrid when I'm tired so I imagine at 2.5 he just cannot contain the tired rage. I'd definitely be going to the GP and asking for help with it. What does he want when he wakes?

I have a 4 year old and she still wakes but what she wants is a wee or a cuddle and she goes right back off so I'm not saying I'm a wonderful parent (I'm certainly not!) and this is how you do it but there's often a reason they wake.

How does his dad deal with it?
I'd stop all the to and fro sleeping out, and just make sure he has his own bed every night.

It's so difficult because he doesn't nap most days anymore, but he will sometimes fall asleep around 3ish. If he sleeps at all at that time it will take us until 10pm to get him to sleep. I've tried getting him to nap earlier and it just doesn't work. I've tried doing bed time earlier but it just takes twice as long and he doesn't go to sleep any earlier I just spend longer trying. When he woke up at 5 I was trying to get him back to sleep in his bed and realised that wasn't working so I just let him come in with us now but as soon as he wakes up he just starts going on about downstairs and just gets louder and more upset until we eventually do it or the time comes around for us to get up anyway

Also would be worth maybe trying to get some books to read with him about emotions etc. it's hard to get through to them with this sort of stuff at this age.

My sister has an older child who can be so angry, she's read 'the explosive child' which may help. I've not read it myself though.

I would be trying to keep him awake and not let him nap and then put down at 6-6:30-7 (whatever you think is good). It's a hard age when the nap starts to cock stuff up.

It's early days but sounds like Oppositional Defiance Disorder. It's a form of autism and basically the trigger is being told "no".

That sounds so difficult OP. I absolutely believe you are trying your best it's just sometimes you just don't know what's best.🤷🏻‍♀️. Every kid is so different. I can't believe the snarky posters who seem mystified that a child might have accidentally heard the phrase 'shut up'. If that's their attempt at helping you or offering support then it's pathetic. I suspect they like making people feel bad.

I suspect there is no magic answer. I'd make sure he eats and sleeps as well as possible, that you limit screen time, have plenty of positive fun time together and make sure he is exercised really well. (I always found swimming a great way of ensuring they slept well) I think I'd also continue to get some professional help.

Good luck.

@crossstitchingnana

*It's early days but sounds like Oppositional Defiance Disorder. It's a form of autism and basically the trigger is being told "no"
*
ODD is not a form of autism.

Have a look at ‘The Happiest Toddler on the Block’ by Harvey Karp or the other book I suggested above. Good explanations of why toddlers behave as they do and workable strategies to help.

Hope today has been ok op

You do not let him hurt you! Pop him out of your bed, or the room where you're in, until hes calmed down. I your home not at other people's obv, then he can scream to his heart content. I would try consisted discipline before thinking of learning difficulties. Why is he cuddled up to his dad when hes been biting you 5 min before? Try to toughen up a little and see if it makes a difference.

That is so hard to read :( @desperatemammy no advice really but I agree you are doing your absolute best.

I would try if possible leave the situation. If he gets like this I would leave him either in his room/bed and if not possible I would (yes I know 4am is bloody early) sit in a chair and put him into his bed, away etc. Just make sure he is safe but out of reach. Do not react to him screaming. Just sit and calmly observe, imagine he is not your child but just a child and you are watching to see what is going on.

I know nothing about any disorders or else, but my one gets really unhappy when hungry, sad or tired (but not that unhappy, so hence no real advice).

You are doing all you can and hopefully you had a better day.

Hope you had a better day op

OP you could try a weighted vest/blanket, he might find it soothing and it might dull some of his sensory seeking behaviors