Is it just me? panic about baby development, wellbeing..and everything

[jefficake]

Just as my title says really. I'm a FTM with a 4 mo. I spend a lot of my time worrying about if and how my LO is developing, whether she's happy and if I'm doing a good enough job. Tonight just panic bought some more child development books to see if LO is where she should be. my partner got rid of a previous one because it was making me so worried comparing what it said to what was happening.

Every time i see the other mums from my antenatal group it sets off panic and sadness in me because of what different babies are already doing and how confident and 'together' all the other mums seem. i just feel like an absolute failure by comparison.

Is this just me? Do others feel like this or have felt like this?

It might be a good idea to have a chat with your GP about how you feel.

I never felt like this, even though my second child was months behind on everything (and fine in the end).
My own mother has wasted her life on her untreated anxiety because she thinks it’s normal for a mother to worry. Since having children I think it isn’t necessarily.

I’m the exact opposite. I don’t think about any developmental issues or milestones. I don’t know what my son weighs, or his height since birth. I have no idea what other babies are doing or what the books say about his age etc...
Sometimes I feel bad about being better read or informed. Other times I figure out that it’s all happening naturally. I have no anxiety regarding my baby. I’m not sure why... But the baby is happy & healthy.

It sounds like you’re having a hard time. I think everyone worries a bit and we all have stuff we’re irrational about (when mine were babies it was overheating!). But it sounds as though your worry is very pervasive and is getting in the way of your enjoyment of your baby.

I could tell you, of course, that all babies develop differently and Mumsnet is full of stories about people whose kids walked/talked late and are now rocket scientists or whatever. But the key thing g is for you to be able to talk through your own worries and why they might be giving you such a hard time.

Sorry, I meant to say, so I agree with the PP who suggested you see your GP.

@Footnote yes i agree it is such a waste of time and life! i just kind of don't know how to shift it and it feels like there is just so much to be concerned about at any given time

@Fallagain thank you - I have done, and did what they suggested but it really hasn't made much of a difference (2-3 months on). I'm not sure what else they could suggest but maybe worth a revisit.

I was like this 110% with my first.
Eventually chilled a bit after HV meeting st 2 year check and getting a second child.....but remember the obsessive nature I had on sleep, food, milestones - everything was a comparison that I lost in.

Having had baby 2 now, I suspect I should have thought rationally that this wasn't normal and to seek help. Sounds like you're rational enough to see the stupidity - and it is stupid. Yes, they'll get there at different times, no waking up between 11.35-40 isnt an indicator of late talking or being allergic to nectarines.

I'd say trust your gut, but that made me worry more because I didn't come out having amazing instincts.
Just hang in there

I went through phases of this, but try to remember that at four months, you’re still a relatively new mum! Once you get more into your stride, I think and hope you’ll look back at the things you worried about and be able to smile. Once we were safely out the newborn phases, and facing their first birthdays, I remember telling a mum friend how i’d always thought she had it so together whilst I was feeling like a total riot and it turned out she thought the same about me and felt the same about herself.

There’s nothing wrong with taking an interest in your baby’s development and picking up some books, but use them alongside your instincts and don’t use them to beat yourself up.

[quote jefficake]@Footnote yes i agree it is such a waste of time and life! i just kind of don't know how to shift it and it feels like there is just so much to be concerned about at any given time

@Fallagain thank you - I have done, and did what they suggested but it really hasn't made much of a difference (2-3 months on). I'm not sure what else they could suggest but maybe worth a revisit.[/quote]
Developing anxiety after having a baby is fairly common but if what the GP has suggested hasn’t lead to any improvements then they should refer you to maternal mental health services.

I work in this field. Please please don't compare your baby at this age. Your baby is unique, an absolute wonder. It's so common to compare, and entirely natural I promise, but remember that she's four months old. Four months of being out of the womb, four months experiencing the world. She's doing great and I promise you're doing perfectly.

Thanks for your messages - I had a think today and have contacted a local support service for mums with anxiety/depression so hopefully this will help. It's so useful to have the perspective of others so thank you. :)

lol @HettytheHoover yeh my gut instinct is awful. THe HV said if you're worried about her go to a and e, and Honestly if I lived by that rule I'd be living in a and e...

People at baby groups talk about their baby milestones because it’s an easy conversation topic and they mostly don’t have much in common beyond the baby. It doesn’t make the milestones important day by day.
Could you outsource the developmental stuff to the other parent? They should check the milestones and let you know if it’s time to see a doctor about it but until then you don’t check?
Mostly all the doctors do is wait and see anyway, there’s little actual action.
If you want to go to A&E, is it because you think the baby is ill? What is wrong with her?

@Footnote that’s a really good idea about the outsourcing the developmental stuff to my OH. Will definitely have a chat with him and see if we can do this.

When I’m feeling calm and objective I can see there’s nothing wrong with LO - she’s alert and smiley and playful etc etc. We did have a tough start with a stay in nicu and quite big weight loss - that has all resolved but remains of concern to me (of course). Any professional we have seen have said she’s fine but I can’t budge the fairly constant anxiety

@jefficake I just wanted to say that I worry just like you. I'm pretty open about my MH challenges and so have spoken to a lot of mums about it in passing. I have come to the conclusion that almost all of them worry at some point - some more than others - and almost all of them compare their babies. That's completely normal if not desirable! Worrying all the time is less common but you are far from alone. If it's affecting your quality of life or bond with your baby do ask for help - there is support out there. I definitely found the first 5 months hardest with another rocky patch when we started weaning and i was getting my head around all that. It isn't plain sailing now but it's better (10 months). I'm sure I'll have another wobble soon though!

I read your comment about always being at A&E if you followed HV advice and laughed out loud - that's me!

We spend our whole lives teaching ourselves to ignore our instincts (that work deadline actually isn't an existential threat and adrenaline isn't really helping here...) and then a baby comes along and suddenly you get told to "trust your gut". I hate it every time - it's incredibly unhelpful and makes me feel like there's something wrong with me as a woman for not having "maternal instincts". In reality I think a lot of it is more common sense than instinct and usually I do have a feeling but I'm so unsure of myself that I don't listen to it. I'm working on it, but in the meantime I'll keep agonising over every ailment, trip and fall and every developmental milestone even though I know most of the books are at best a rough guide. I particularly hate The Wonder Weeks with its idea that all babies go through the same "leap" at the same time. You only have to go to a baby group to see that it's utter nonsense. But it's insidious and I'm still worried that my 10mo hasn't completed the full list for leap 4!

@Footnote

People at baby groups talk about their baby milestones because it’s an easy conversation topic and they mostly don’t have much in common beyond the baby. It doesn’t make the milestones important day by day. Could you outsource the developmental stuff to the other parent? They should check the milestones and let you know if it’s time to see a doctor about it but until then you don’t check? Mostly all the doctors do is wait and see anyway, there’s little actual action. If you want to go to A&E, is it because you think the baby is ill? What is wrong with her?

This all very true and good advice. You need to find a way to manage your anxiety as it is very early days and your LO has lots of milestones ahead that you should celebrate rather than panic about. Truth be told, 4 months is much too young to be able to tell much at all about your baby's development and equally much too young for anybody to actually do anything about it tbh.

I have a DC who is a few years older and behind on a lot of milestones, from my (limited) experience I can say that they weren't behind in anything at 4 months, and when they did actually start to show real differences, all the worrying I did about it made not one jot of difference to where we are now.

Worrying doesn't take away the bad times, it just stops you enjoying the good ones (can't remember who said that originally)

Firstly it's important that you realise babies do things at different stages.

For example my son sat unaided by 5 months, crawled at 8, walked at 10 months.

My sisters baby who is a couple months younger. Didn't sit up until 8 months. Crawled at about 11 and didn't start walking until after a year.

The whole milestone thing. Take with a pinch of salt. (Some things anyway).

It's good you're getting help and I hope they help with your anxiety.

ahh thank you @Mimba1 this chimes so much with me. I really don't get the hype about the wonder weeks. All the 'signals' seem to be the same regardless of the leap and the skills seem pretty vague at times!

@SatinHeart @PinkButtercups thank you. It's useful to have a sense of the 'long term' picture. And the comment about worrying not helpful is SO TRUE. I've written it down and going to put it up somewhere I can see it :)

This was and still is me. I've worried myself sick about everything. DD is now 19 months and I still analyse every part of her development, compare and read all the development books. It's really affected how much I enjoy being a mum and at times has affected the way that I feel about her.

I've been there with the worrying about milestones (well everything really haha). Unfortunately I had a friend who'd had a baby a few months before telling me how behind mine was and how she'd be going to the doctor if it was her (he crawled at 8.5 months instead of 8 like hers etc) which made things a thousand times worse. Honestly you're at the worst point of it just now. You're still in the thick of all the hormones and learning how to be a parent. Definitely go back to the doctor and see if they can offer anything else for you, my biggest regret is not recognising my anxiety sooner and getting help. Comparison is the thief of joy and you deserve to enjoy your baby OP, you won't even remember when they hit these milestones soon trust me.

@Theresamagicalplace I'm sorry your friend ('friend') did that to you - how awful! Not helpful at all.

I know how much joy the anxiety and worry takes out of everything. But at times I definitely get stuck in that cycle of worrying that if I stop worrying something bad will happen. But it's not a way to live or at least, it's not a way I want to carry on living if I can do something about it.