Feeling sad for my son - he's feeling rejected/left out 😢

[Dumpydump]

My 7 year old son is a lovely boy but sometimes struggles socially and can be quite shy and sensitive at times. Throughout nursery and school he's always had a few close friends rather than being Mr Popular and that was always fine. On Saturday I took dd to a soft play party and every single one of ds's friends were there at another party. Ds returned to school on Monday and they were all talking about it and so he was already feeling a little rejected. However today he was even more upset because he hasn't been invited to his best friend's party. He literally plays with him every day and they are usually thick as thieves. However over the last few months there have been moments were he has told me he wasn't allowed to join in best friend's game or play with him today. I know that I have no control over who is it isn't friends with him or feel that he is somehow entitled to be invited to parties. I just feel so sad for him. I just want to fix it all for him and make it okay but it is out of my hands. Not sure what I need or want from this thread just felt the need to write it down. He is so kind and lovely but feel that sometimes he is forgotten because he is quiet.

My dd is the same sadly. At home she is witty and clever but she is so shy and a little socially awkward that she struggles to make friends anywhere else.

I've just enrolled her in a weekly drama class thing in the hopes to bring her out of her shell as she will be going to secondary in a couple of years and I do worry that she will struggle to make friends because of her shyness.

That is so sad for your ds not being invited. Do you throw many parties for him (obviously has been a bit hard these couple of years) but I always found if we did a party she would get the odd one in return

Thank you for your reply @upupandawaytoday. It's so hard isn't it. I just want him to feel accepted and confident in his own skin. I really thought that he had found his little group but he now seems to be on the outside of them. We haven't really been able to have any parties but have had his friend over play and for a sleepover. Maybe I will encourage him to invite some more friends over to see if that helps x

It's heartbreaking at times.
To be honest both my dc have never been part of the crowd but my ds doesn't seem bothered and I'm sure he will find his feet when he starts secondary next year and there are more of a mix of kids.

I defo think the parties helped my dd. Nothing big, just small things at home (this was pre covid obviously) would help if she was a summer baby but her birthday is always cold.

That’s so sad for your son. But it seems odd he hasn’t been invited to his best mate’s party - could an invite have gone astray? Do his friends return the play dates after you've hosted?

I think that's what I am finding difficult. It's never been a problem that he wasn't hugely "popular" or extroverted because he's always had a close group of friends. When he was younger he played mostly with girls (which was fine). As they all got older, their interests changed and they grew apart. Over the last few years he has made friends with a small group of boys and it gave me comfort to know he had people to play with etc. Up until today I haven't really given it a second thought but today he was just so disappointed and sad to have been left out 😢 I don't want him to start feeling bad about himself or feeling that he is not good enough.

@fluffruff I know 😢 apparently his friend is just having some friends over to his house and my son wasn't one of the people he chose. I wondered if they were maybe growing apart but I asked him who he played with today and he said the boy. It's a bit strange really. Yes, playdates have been returned. Although he hasn't been to one or hosted one for a little while. Definitely think I'll try and organise some of those again and see if it helps x

That’s really sad, OP, I’d be just as upset as you are, especially with being left out of his best friend’s party. That’s really cruel. Are you on speaking terms with this boy’s mum? I would be tempted to bring it up with her in a casual way and ask if they were planning anything for their son’s birthday as DS has found a perfect present for him etc

Regular, regular, regular play dates/bowling/cinema etc. My DS is easily missed out, it’s my job to keep reminding people he’s brilliant.

Thanks everyone 🙂 will definitely get some playdates set up x

Yes I agree with the advice about play dates, sometimes it's a bit "out of sight, out of mind" with kids of this age! Also someone mentioned extra curricular activities, it can help if he has some buddies outside school and isn't purely relying on his school friends. Cubs is a good one if there is a local group?

We moved house/areas for Primary 1, so, unlike his classmates, DS didn't know any children as he didn't come from the local nursery.

He was also very emotionally imature and quite naive

Adding to that, DD (who has ASD and is non-verbal) is in the same class, which I thought could be a bit challenging for DS.

My strategy was to schedule as many playdates as possible and make absolute sure the visiting children had THE best time.

Not ashamed to say I invested money, patience, my time at it.

The playdates became the stuff of legend (first graders have low expectations and, by extension, DS became interesting and cool

This was a short term solution for us, but did the trick. He's now in P4 and is settled in his social group.

You and your little boy sound lovely. He's very lucky to have you caring about his emotions. I'm sure he'll find his place soon. X

Thank so much for all your kind responses. He does go to Beavers with some of his friends and enjoys school generally. Just want to make sure it stays that way, don't want him feeling lonely or outcast. Will definitely get some things outside of school set up x

@IBelieveInAThingCalledScience

We moved house/areas for Primary 1, so, unlike his classmates, DS didn't know any children as he didn't come from the local nursery.

He was also very emotionally imature and quite naive

Adding to that, DD (who has ASD and is non-verbal) is in the same class, which I thought could be a bit challenging for DS.

My strategy was to schedule as many playdates as possible and make absolute sure the visiting children had THE best time.

Not ashamed to say I invested money, patience, my time at it.

The playdates became the stuff of legend (first graders have low expectations and, by extension, DS became interesting and cool

This was a short term solution for us, but did the trick. He's now in P4 and is settled in his social group.

I agree 100% with this. Children become good at socialising by being given the opportunity to do it. The younger they are, the more tolerant and forgiving they are and the more acceptable it is for you to 'manage' their friendships. Your DC sounds lovely but what you say indicates that he lacks confidence at times. It's going to be easier for you to help him to gain confidence and to reach out for new friendships at age 7 than when he goes to secondary school.

One skill I would try to get him to practice (maybe first on playdates) is being the one who makes suggestions for games or activities rather than always being the one who wants to join in. So rather than saying 'can I join in?' or 'can I play with you?' the whole time (which then invites children to say 'no' in return), try to get him to preempt with 'I want to play X. Who wants to play this too?' In my experience, confident children are those who actively have interests of their own which they aren't afraid to share with their friends due to fear of being rejected.

It's heartbreaking. There might be some other boys in his class who aren't invited. You could see if any of them are free on the day of the party and invite them over to go bowling or swimming or for pizza and a film. If he has a nice teacher you could ask if there are any other quiet boys who struggle a bit with friendships who the teacher thinks might be a good fit with him and ask if she could pair them up occasionally, or you could ask their parents if their sons fancy a play date at yours.

If he;s up for it, a drama club can help build confidence. It changed my life, but nothinginduced shy DS to go, and he had lots of similar stories to this. FWIW he has several very strong friendship groups now.

If all his friends are attending each others parties but didn’t invite your DS then I’d think he wasn’t as close to them as he thinks he is (or maybe wants to be). Arrange lots of playdates with other kids and take him out regularly to afterschool clubs.

Every single parent goes through this and it's head breaking. Sometimes the kid doesn't even care but you do. That said my daughter once, when asked to invite five friends to a party put 5 names down. I said but what about Emily your best friend? She said I didn't play with her today. I said but you usually do. She said yes but I didn't today. Thats how easy it is to miss kids off and if I hadn't known she normally played with Emily she would have been missed off the list. Small kids make strange decisions when asked who they want to invite to things

Heart breaking. Sending you both love and support x

@Ozanj

If all his friends are attending each others parties but didn’t invite your DS then I’d think he wasn’t as close to them as he thinks he is (or maybe wants to be). Arrange lots of playdates with other kids and take him out regularly to afterschool clubs.

I hope not 😢 He plays with them everyday and his teacher commented at parents evening what a lovely group they are. The party at the weekend was for a boy outside of his main group (but all his friends were invited and he wasn't). It's just come at the same time as not being invited to his friends birthday which has been a bit of a blow for him. Fingers crossed we can get him back in the mix with some extra bits outside of school x

Aw, DS was very similar at primary school. Nothing to add to the great advice you've already been given, but just to say that despite struggling with friendship groups in primary and the challenges of transitioning to high school during a pandemic (and we're in Scotland where school closures were much longer) he's managed to find a great group of friends and now has a fairly typical teen social life. So even for the shy or introverted, they can eventually find like minded souls!

God, that's heart wrenching. Sorry you both had to go through that and feel such horrible rejection.

This is the same for my dd9 she has ASD and really struggles with friendships. She never gets invited to play dates or parties. It's so heartbreaking.

That's a shame for you DS but it could easily be for ok reasons that he wasn't invited. It doesn't sound like it's because they don't like him.

I agree with everyone suggesting you up the invites to your house. Our house was always the fun house when my kids were at school.

I also made sure my kids were always excellent guests. They were polite, would tidy up and would eat whatever. I like to think that made them more popular with the parents 😅

It may be worth having another word with the teacher to see if they've noticed anything. It is heart-breaking