Involving dad from newborn

[Luckygreenduck]

I am very keen that my DH takes an active role in parenting our soon to arrive baby. He is also keen and I dont have any worries he will want too but I think he will need a bit of guidance to build up confidence.
My question is how can we encourage this alongside breastfeeding? The really involved dads seem to be when mum bottle feeds. Would it be worth expressing or doing some bottles of formula so there is more chance we can share the nighttime feeds? What else could we do to help them bond in the early few months so by the time I go back to work we can be roughly equal parents- I dont want to be the only one who can do bedtimes for years on end!

Feeding is such a small part of being a parent. DH used to hold DD for hours. A particular favourite of both of theirs was 'tiger in the tree' which I couldn't do but is great for colic.

Changing, burping, rocking, bathing, holding, tummy time. Don't mess with BFing just for bonding. There's plenty else.

It can be useful to be able to have a break and express and Dad feed but you definitely don't need to do it just for bonding purposes. He will have plenty of other ways to bond with baby - cuddles, nappy changes, bathing, burping etc.

If he makes the effort like he wants to you will easily find ways he can support you and bond. Personally I don't feel like the roles are ever equal totally though.

My DD is 4 months, is EBF and dad is really involved. He started by having lots of skin to skin cuddles as a newborn, nappy changes, taking her for a walk in the pram while i had a sleep, bathing her. Now DD has a bedtime routine, we take it in turns to do bedtime. I always feed, then on dad's night he does nappy change, pj's, little massage and cuddle to sleep. There's lots of ways for dad to be involved, feeding is just a small part of it

Feeding isn’t the only way to bond

I think you’re totally over thinking this. Feeding isn’t the only way to be involved and bond. My youngest is obsessed with his dad, they are inseparable and I fed him for 20 months

I agree with everyone above. Yes they feed loads when they’re tiny, but there are still loads of things a Dad can do.

I breastfed and never pumped, but our routine was that DH would burp her after feeds. There were some phases too where DH was much better at rocking and singing her to sleep and calming her down when she was crying. Reading stories too (I thought my health visitor was mad when she suggested reading to a newborn, but they really do pay attention from a surprisingly early age).

My dd is 1 and DP works long hours and sometimes works away but has been super involved from the start and puts her to bed most nights now. I breast fed for the first 7 months ish. When I was bfing he would burp her and put her down after I’d finished feeding.

The one thing that made a huge difference imo was a lot of nappy changes. it’s hard as it doesnt feel like the most glamorous of the tasks but it is hugely beneficial in bonding. Baby is looking up at you and knowing you are the person caring for them and making them feel all clean again. He also slept downstairs with her to give me time to sleep in the early days (between feeds). I expressed occasionally but never at night, it was lovely for him to feed her but wasn’t a regular bonding thing. I just wanted to make sure she accepted a bottle.

We introduced one bottle of formula each night from 3 weeks so DH could feed her while I slept longer. It was fantastic for several reasons including him being able to learn to take care of her by himself, the two of them bonding, and me getting rest/feeling human. Had a go at expressing but it was such a faf and she would happily take the formula.

This web page helped:
kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/bottle-feeding/

This also meant that when I wanted to go out with friends in the evening, it was no big deal, I just left the two of them to it. He could give her a bottle if she needed it. No stress. Amazing to be able to get out for a bit with my old buddies!

Ooh another tip, shared parental leave. The dad gets a chance to be the main carer for a few months. Brilliant.

Thank you! I think I knew this but just worried I would be stopping him get involved. Had a few comments from my in laws already as they are pushing bottles.

I didn't express until about 5-6 months as I had to go back to work.
DP was and still is a great dad, very hands on. DD has CMPA and reflux; he used to walk around with her for hours trying to get her to calm down and sleep (she screamed for hours on end). Changing nappies, getting her dressed, bathing etc. too. There will be plenty of things to do for him outside feeding! They've got an amazing bond now - DD is 8.

I avoided pumping or introducing bottles for the first 8 weeks as I wanted breastfeeding to be fully established.

DH however was really involved.

In the first week or so he did every nappy change and would pass me the baby when he woke up. I would then feed him and put him back down or let him sleep on me if it was daytime. This was really useful when I was sore from the birth.

It also meant I didn’t have to get out of bed in the night.

Dh had bath time responsibility from birth. It just became his thing. He also did a lot of sitting with the baby sleeping on his chest on an evening. At a week old, he mentioned nipping along to the supermarket so I just fed the baby and put them in the buggy with the change bag and gave him the baby to go with

I was a bit nervous and he was terrified but once it was done once we both just got on with it being normal.

Nappies changes
Playing, in the early days just holding close and talking
Skin to skin
Sling walks so you can nap!
Bath time

DH has always been really involved and I breastfed all of mine.

In the first few weeks it does mainly look like him looking after you so you can look after the baby. But it pretty quickly evolves into him finding his own ways to soothe and interact with them. They end up preferring dad for some things

I've always liked putting them in the bath with the dad as a kind of bonding skin to skin activity.

Oh! And dh also did all the swimming. I went along the odd time but it was really his thing. We now have two confident swimmers (7yo and 10yo) thanks to him.

DH is master burper as well. He's much better at getting them up than me.

Pumping will mean extra work for you.

I BF for 2 weeks then pumped for 3 months. Husband did one formula bottle a night from about 3 days old, sometimes no need if there was enough breast milk. It was more to give me a few more hours sleep though. You’ll figure out what works for you all. Like others have said, lots of other ways for you all to bond too. Hope all goes well x

DH used to carry our newborn in the sling for a few hours in the evening while I got some sleeping done ready for night waking later. Once the baby would no longer settle he would bring up to me for a feed between 10 and 11.

Sleep for me, bonding time after work for DH. He was also great at bathtime, and nappies.

I tried expressing and decided it was a lot of faff, but some women find it really handy.

DH was involved from the start ... he held DS first as I had an EMCS so wasn't conscious for a few hours. My one top tip would be don't get into the habit of feeding your baby to sleep, I breast fed, then handed DS to DH who gave him a cuddle and settled him to sleep. Maybe we were just lucky but it worked for us and DS was a brilliant sleeper. I also expressed so DH could give a bottle and then did combi feeding so DH could take DS out. Don't become the 'default' parent, my DH was fully involved... always took DS out at weekends without me.

DS is 20 now & he & DH have a wonderful relationship. .

Another PP has reminded me - in the early months when I was exclusively breastfeeding, I did all night feeds on my own (with a sidesleeper crib - which make life so much easier btw), then in the morning when she woke up he'd take her downstairs so I could catch up on sleep a little bit.

Don't let anyone pressure you into bottles, there is absolutely no need whatsoever, unless it's what you genuinely want. Pumping and storing and organising milk (then sterilising the equipment) is a lot of work for you, so only do it if you actually want to, there's no need if it's just for dad and baby to bond as they can do that in other ways.

My DH is one of the most 'involved' dads we know and I've breastfed both my kids for varying lengths of time. He did start doing some night feeds with bottles of EBM and then formula with both babies from them being 2 weeks old, but this was not in an effort to 'involve' him more but so that I could get some more rest. I wanted it, he would probably have preferred to sleep more instead haha.

Other things he did:

• Often was up with me when I was BF in the first few weeks as I suffered terribly with pain BF and also pain sitting to feed/difficulty lifting the baby etc as I had birth injuries both times.
• Did all the night time nappy changes. And all the daytime ones whilst on pat leave. And still does most of them when he's around.
• Settled babies back to sleep once they'd been fed if they didn't fall asleep in the night. E.g. cuddling, rocking, walking around with them, bouncing on exercise ball, wearing in baby carrier, rocking in rocking chair, whatever it took hah.
• Same as above for naps! Including taking them for short walks in pram or baby carrier or short drives in the car.
• Bathing babies. I never bathed my DD until she was about 8 months old as DH always did it! Same with cutting her nails.
• Baby swimming classes on the weekends from 3 months old with DD. DS is 3 months and we are trying to find a class that fits round DD's now haha.
• Looked after me whilst BF. In the early weeks BF really is a full time job. He did almost all the housework, cooking, shopping etc. Brought me whatever I needed - drinks, food etc. I spent most of the first 8 weeks with both kids just trapped under them feeding them on and off all day every day.