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Original poster

DW away for 1 night with work. Dreading dd behaviour at bedtime

25 replies

Whiteminnowfish · 31/01/2022 17:21

Dd7 normally wants dw to put her to bed. I think it's because dw talks more to her.

Dw has been taking dd to bed most nights for a few weeks now and she'll be used to the routine.

I am dreading bedtime as when we're about to go to sleep she asks for dw and then kicks off-literally. She will lash out etc.

I am worried sick.

Dw is going to give her something of hers to keep for her until she gets back. Hoping this might help with her anxieties.

Any other help or advice you can give as feeling anxious about it all.

OP posts:
IKeptYouLikeAnOath · 31/01/2022 17:23

Well, in our house you don't get to choose which parent puts you to bed, for exactly this reason! You need to put the adults in charge of bedtime, and she'll get used to it.

BornIn78 · 31/01/2022 17:25

I think it's because dw talks more to her.

You need to step up, do more bedtimes even when your DW is around, and talk to your child more.

JuneOsborne · 31/01/2022 17:25

Whilst agree with pp about not getting to choose, for the sake of one night, stick something on the TV or iPad and watch with her in bed till she falls asleep!

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Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Families General parenting
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 31/01/2022 17:27

@BornIn78

I think it's because dw talks more to her.

You need to step up, do more bedtimes even when your DW is around, and talk to your child more.

I spend loads of time with dd. Spend lots of quality time eith her so lots of talking involved
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Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 31/01/2022 17:28

@JuneOsborne

Whilst agree with pp about not getting to choose, for the sake of one night, stick something on the TV or iPad and watch with her in bed till she falls asleep!
Do you think that will work? Worried incase she has a very late night...I might try it though...
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Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 31/01/2022 17:28

@IKeptYouLikeAnOath

Well, in our house you don't get to choose which parent puts you to bed, for exactly this reason! You need to put the adults in charge of bedtime, and she'll get used to it.
I totally agree with this also but arguements happen.
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Rainbowqueeen · 31/01/2022 17:30

It will probably go better than you expect if you are calm firm and matter of fact about the whole process
If DW talks to her a lot why don’t you do the same
And in future you should share bedtimes equally. Avoidance just makes anxiety worse. Stop avoiding things. Learn to deal with them. Especially “things” that are an everyday part of parenting

RelentlessForwardProgress · 31/01/2022 17:30

I would start alternating now whilst your DW is at home.

I would not use the fall to sleep watching a screen idea.

Snowdayoverdue · 31/01/2022 17:31

If its one night, then like others have said, do what you need to get her to bed and asleep.

But meant nicely, what you think you could learn from how DW does bedtime? Sit with DD a bit longer, extra cuddles, have a story or a chat with her?

MaChienEstUnDick · 31/01/2022 17:31

If you are already so anxious about this then it seems really clear (to an outsider looking in) that your DD will be picking up on your anxieties.

In the kindest possible way, give your head a wobble. Stick your head out of the back door and grab a few deep breaths. You are the adult, you are in charge, you put her to bed. Bright, breezy, in control and 100% confident.

If she lashes out, stay calm and give a consequence. Rinse and repeat.

Do not put her on the iPad, that's weaselling out of the whole situation. What if your DW needs to go away for a week next time, you going to put her on the iPad until she falls asleep for a whole week.

You can do this. Sort a strategy - we'll help - follow through and do it.

Lallybroch · 31/01/2022 17:32

Although a lot of people on here will say that it should never have got to this stage, there may be genuine reasons why it has. My DH used to work shifts so wasn't always there for bedtime. I would start having the conversation with her about an hour before bedtime. Explain that tonight will be different to usual and you realise that she will find it different - don't say difficult, no reason to put that into her head. Explain that you've been looking forward to having this opportunity as you don't usually get home in time (whatever the reason is) and explain what is going to happen. Then 15 minutes before, explain that it's nearly bed time and to finish up what she's doing. If she starts playing up, explain that she is fully aware that it is only for tonight, that mum has left her something and try to keep calm. If she starts to lash out, calmly say you are leaving the room and walk away. It will be difficult but you don't want it to escalate. Try not to get upset or lose your temper.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 31/01/2022 17:35

There are alot of genuine reasons of why the bedtime routine is the way it is but I won't be into them on here. Too outing.

Basically, dd has anxieties and lashes out.

I will try and stay calm and not show to her I am anxious

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OnTheBenchOfDoom · 31/01/2022 17:35

Your Dw needs to tell her in advance that tonight your Dad (I am assuming you are a Dad) will be putting her to bed. She is 7, not 2 and this is not great that she is dictating who puts her to bed.

But your Dw needs to stand absolutely firm that no matter how much your 7 year old kicks off she does not give in and rescue you at any time no matter how long it takes. For the sake of sanity I would do this on a Friday night so that if it is a late one there is no school in the morning.

There definitely needs to be more of you putting her to bed and none of this giving in to her demands bit. I am a definite no for tv/ipads etc that engage them in something. White noise, yes, but not an audio book or something that may help them stay awake.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 31/01/2022 17:37

Cross posts, then sing a song in your head so you stay lovely and calm. You never want to meet their level of hysteria or anger, you are always the adult and if you stay calm voiced and level headed they should calm down too.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 31/01/2022 17:39

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

Your Dw needs to tell her in advance that tonight your Dad (I am assuming you are a Dad) will be putting her to bed. She is 7, not 2 and this is not great that she is dictating who puts her to bed.

But your Dw needs to stand absolutely firm that no matter how much your 7 year old kicks off she does not give in and rescue you at any time no matter how long it takes. For the sake of sanity I would do this on a Friday night so that if it is a late one there is no school in the morning.

There definitely needs to be more of you putting her to bed and none of this giving in to her demands bit. I am a definite no for tv/ipads etc that engage them in something. White noise, yes, but not an audio book or something that may help them stay awake.

I totally agree with your approach. Tried in past but dw always gives in.

I am female also, not that it matters

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Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 31/01/2022 17:40

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

Cross posts, then sing a song in your head so you stay lovely and calm. You never want to meet their level of hysteria or anger, you are always the adult and if you stay calm voiced and level headed they should calm down too.
Good idea
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ReadySteadyTwins · 31/01/2022 17:40

My word.

It's one night you have to put your own 7yr old child to bed. It shouldn't be this dramatic.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 31/01/2022 17:41

@ReadySteadyTwins

My word.

It's one night you have to put your own 7yr old child to bed. It shouldn't be this dramatic.

No it shouldn't I agree. But dd has anxieties. I will stand firm. Dreading being hit as she does hit hard and it hurts. Her build is bigger than a 7 year old.
OP posts:
IKeptYouLikeAnOath · 31/01/2022 17:42

Tons of kids have anxieties, but I would think that having two equally responsible, caring, hands-on parents would be a good thing to demonstrate for her.

JustWonderingIfYou · 31/01/2022 18:19

She's 7. Just tell her dw is not there so it's you or no one. Surely she can see dw isn't there and isn't an option.

ReadySteadyTwins · 31/01/2022 18:42

So you can't be alone with your 7yr old daughter? Only your wife can "handle" her. That's so wrong.

You are an equal parent. Not incapable unless DW rescues the situation.

This really grips my shit. I look after toddler DTwins all day, and they can be exhausting both physically and mentally. They go to bed at 6 and sleep right through though, which is a saving grace. A few days ago, DH got home around 5.30, and I said I was off to do the food shop. He looked surprised, as usually I have to do it during the day with Ronnie and Reggie, yapping and jabbing each other in the trolley all the way round. So I decided to "treat" myself with a peaceful evening supermarket shop alone. Got back at 7. Both of them still up, wailing through tiredness. "Why aren't they in bed?!"...."Well, I knew you wouldn't be too long, and it's hard doing them both on your own". Yes, I'm aware of that, it's what I do every other night, on my own, when you finish work late.

I'm not some kind of magician. Neither is your wife. You guys need to pull your big boy pants up and parent your children.

Embracelife · 31/01/2022 18:47

Leave if she hits
If she calls you back
Ho in wrapped in a big puffer jacket for protective purposes

Smartiepants79 · 31/01/2022 19:14

Physical violence is not an acceptable response to anxiety.
This needs addressing, quickly.
Does she ‘lash out’ at anyone else? Are there similar issues at school?
What are the anxieties specifically, it sounds very extreme.
I honestly believe that no child of this age(especially a neurotypical one) should be this reliant on one person. Anything could happen. Your Dw could be absent from the home for any number of reasons. This needs addressing in the longer term.

1AngelicFruitCake · 31/01/2022 19:20

I think your DW is part of the problem here by giving in and chatting more.
I find my children love to chat about their worries with me but then there comes a point where they are inventing things just to avoid sleep. I’ve started saying let’s talk first then story, then after story it’s sleep. Your wife needs to be on board and back you up.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 31/01/2022 19:22

If your wife is not there she is not an option. I would say if she is good and goes to bed calmly you will facetime mummy together in bed. Then you will read her a story etc. Children need to be able to anticipate what is happening next.

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