SAHM

[Sarah62]

Finding being a SAHM very difficult at the moment. My youngest is 2 and a half and is only entertained by activities like painting for 5 minutes at a time. That’s a lot of 5 mins to fill in a day. I’m absolutely sick of staying at home or going to the park and so is dc3. We don’t know anyone with dcs of the same age because of lockdown we never really met people.

On weekends DH will often take dc1 and /or dc2 to an activity which is great but I’m still then struggling to entertain dc3. It’s really hard to find anything all 3 kids can do at the same time as the older 2 would be bored at soft play etc.

I feel so lonely. I spend all day looking after or cleaning up after the family. DH manages to do some social activities in the week but I don’t. My only free time is after the kids have gone to bed say 9pm. I’ve no idea what I would do anyway.

I find it so hard to get out at the house at the minute there’s always at least 1 or 2 dcs moaning they don’t want to go, don’t want to get in the car seat etc, there’s always someone running off in the wrong direction. I feel like everything is a battle.

I’ve totally lost my identity. I feel incredibly anxious about doing anything for myself even buying new clothes or haircut. What’s the point anyway I’m only going to be standing in the playground after school anyway.

I feel awful for moaning because on the outside we are so lucky. 3 great kids, house, good OH and not being stressed out at work anymore . But I’m so so so so bored and lonely.

I gave up my really stressful job as I was often working late into the night and on days off to complete everything and was constantly chasing my tail. Even when dc3 goes to school it won’t really be financially worthwhile to go back to work as childcare is so expensive breakfast and after school club going to be about £45 per day.

You don't need entertain them 24/7, get on with things around the house you want to. i'm sure they have toys etc to play with, tv on, film on? Encourage the independent play, then you mix that in with a trip out each day to park or just for a walk. Kids are allowed to be bored, its good for their imagination to find ways to enterain themselves.

Go back to work. Honestly look at the long term gain of career progression, pension, independence in case anything happened with your husband.

True, yes they do play a lot and watch far too much tv if I’m honest. But once you’ve cleaned the house what else do you do? I don’t really have any hobbies but I don’t feel like I could go off and set something up or read a book or anything while 3 dcs are here. I don’t know? I end up either watching peppa big (cries) or scrolling on my phone. What do others do?

How old are the other 2?

Hi OP, does DS still nap? If so how long?

My mum always told me the importance of letting kids get bored. My parents never entertained me when I was a child - I was just left to my own devices. Children really do use their own imaginations when left alone. I also see nothing wrong with sticking a film on once a day when you need to get stuff done. If my toddlers wanted to be near me then I would get them to "help" me with my chores throughout the day. Of course they didn't really help but I'd give them little tasks - like give them a cloth and ask them to wipe the windows, or a dust pan and brush for the floors. I find time passes much more quickly when outside so rather than going to the same park every day look at where else you can go. For us there were several museums nearby or we'd get on a bus and go to the closest city for a wander around. Or we'd go swimming or to the cinema. Basically just getting out for several hours (not just going to the local park) really helped me.

@thebigpurpleone

Go back to work. Honestly look at the long term gain of career progression, pension, independence in case anything happened with your husband.

I’ve thought about this but the job I was doing was completely unsuitable to the point of making me ill. I was also having to do all the pick ups and drop offs as OH works a fair distance away. Then work at night often until 10/11/midnight to get things done. I’m not sure I could do that again.

Of course, I could take a job that I don’t need my degree for but then childcare costs would wipe out my wage I imagine.

I feel like such a failure!!!

Many of my colleagues have been promoted and are doing really well whilst I’ve been off work the past few years. I feel I would be failing at work and I’m definitely failing at home I’m not a good mum or good wife very often. I think maybe the difference could be my colleagues all have family nearby to look after the dcs at the drop of a hat. We have very little support.

@LincolnshireLassInLondon

Hi OP, does DS still nap? If so how long?

No naps anymore. Though sometimes falls asleep on the school run about 3pm (cries!) on these days will be up until 10pm luckily these days are rare

@SallyWD

My mum always told me the importance of letting kids get bored. My parents never entertained me when I was a child - I was just left to my own devices. Children really do use their own imaginations when left alone. I also see nothing wrong with sticking a film on once a day when you need to get stuff done. If my toddlers wanted to be near me then I would get them to "help" me with my chores throughout the day. Of course they didn't really help but I'd give them little tasks - like give them a cloth and ask them to wipe the windows, or a dust pan and brush for the floors. I find time passes much more quickly when outside so rather than going to the same park every day look at where else you can go. For us there were several museums nearby or we'd get on a bus and go to the closest city for a wander around. Or we'd go swimming or to the cinema. Basically just getting out for several hours (not just going to the local park) really helped me.

Agree. I do ‘make them’ okay with no screen time after dinner on school days but I’m often met with kids just lying on the floor or constantly saying ‘ what can I do? What can I do?’ Until I eventually give in and out the tv back on.

Should say play not okay above

You don't have to go back to your old job. There is currently a record number of jobs being advertised and many are work from home. Again. Stop thinking of it as your wage cancelling the childcare. What's your background in and maybe some of us can help suggest family friendly roles? You sound really unhappy and I don't blame you.

Sometimes older dc have to suck it up and do things they don't enjoy, it's not like parents enjoy it. Your youngest needs to learn to play independently, stick them in a safe space with lots of toys and leave them to it. You can not sustain being an entertainer, you need time to do tasks and to just relax. Unfortunately you have to be a bit mean sometimes or you will burn out.

I have 6 kids, 16, 11, 9, 6 (twins) & 5mth. Some activities they all enjoy, some they don't but they endure it. My me time is my gym sessions (home set up), kids behave when I workout and occasionally will do a little lifting if I encourage it enough. We have a dog which is great for getting them out.

Childcare costs are worth it for keeping financial independence, a pension and your identity.
See if you qualify for tax free childcare to help towards the costs.

If you’re adamant you can’t return to work- Mix up the places you go- library, museum, a different park, leave the car at home and go for a walk

Preschool and funded hours are you friend here.

I'm a SAHM to a 5 and 3 year old. Both went to preschool as soon as they were able to at 2.5. At the moment youngest does 3 mornings but this will go up to 5 mornings once the 15 hours kicks in for her after Easter.

Three mornings a week of child free time is bliss and costs us nothing. 1 morning I clean the house and the other 2 I go to a gym class. We joined David Lloyd which is expensive but now I have lots of well timed classes I can do and a huge soft play that the kids love plus other activities we can all do as a family.

Three year old and I are in Costa at the moment before going to do the big shop. An activity she loves though as she wants to push the trolly it's harder for me.

Do you have two pre schoolers? When I had two at home I would do a toddler group/library rhyme time/sure start session most mornings, home for lunch then they would nap. In the afternoon we might go for a walk or play in the garden then they would have their tea. I went out at least one evening a week when dh did the bedtime routine. When they around 2.5 they started doing two mornings a week at pre school too.

I think you'd be better off going back to work, doesn't sound like your heart is in bring a SAHM to be honest, which isn't fair to your kids. Could your DH look at compressed hours so he he can be available for childcare once or twice a week?

Yes good idea dc3 will go to pre school from September so that might help as all.

I’m not sure what’s wrong, my heart was totally in to being SAHM at the start but then after being home for 10000 hours during the lockdowns where I largely had the kids on my own (OH helped loads where he could but mostly had to be on calls) I have honestly used every activity I can think of multiple times. We’ve played every game, visited every park, been to most soft plays. What else can I do :( it hurts that you say my heart isn’t in it because I literally don’t know what else to do

Are there no toddler groups near you - I went to one of those a couple of times a week.
I also went to the library - sometimes for one of the rhyme time sessions, sometimes just for books
We had a fantastic singing group nearby
Occasional trips to the park, or feeding the ducks etc
Walks most days - either in the buggy or actual walking depending on where we were going, time etc
Swimming

At home, by that age they would play for a little while if I got them started eg started a puzzle, built some duplo things for them to play with, etc or they would help with whatever I was doing so sorting washing, wiping things etc.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with a bit of TV as long as it is suitable.

How old are the other dc?

Yeah there are some toddler groups we’ve been to but dc often won’t play, just sits on my knee or pesters me for a snack because of boredom. I usually feel I’m ‘forcing’ dc to go and stay there.

I’m struggling to do any food shopping etc with dc3 (as an activity - obviously I know I could do online etc) as won’t sit in the trolley, constantly runs off etc.

Won’t walk to feed the ducks takes an hour to walk somewhere that should take 15 mins haha. If I put dc3 in the buggy there goes the hysterical screaming, just shouts ‘get me out get me out’ I find it easier not to bother though with dc 1 and 2 I would have always carried on through their insanity

I think maybe I might be a bit depressed.

No point to this post really. I’m just moaning aren’t I.

I know I have a lot of things others do not and I should definitely feel very lucky. I guess I just need to get on with it and keep going

I find it easier not to bother though with dc 1 and 2 I would have always carried on through their insanity

This struck me. It does sound as though you may be letting DC3 be in control a bit too much. It won't do them any harm to be 'encouraged' to do things a bit more. I used to go to toddler groups to have some grown up chat, not really for the kids' benefit. One of mine joined in, the other often just sat on my lap. I carried on going.

Stick them in the buggy if you want to go out - they soon stop protesting. But if they want to walk, is there any reason why you can't take a bit of time over it (assuming it's not the school run or something).

If you do think you are a bit depressed, have you tried speaking to your GP.? It may improve life for both you and your toddler.

Yeah there are some toddler groups we’ve been to but dc often won’t play, just sits on my knee or pesters me for a snack because of boredom. I usually feel I’m ‘forcing’ dc to go and stay there

Maybe we’re just lucky with what’s round here, but toddler groups are an absolute god send for my DS, who also requires a lot of input and is a bit of a nightmare at home. They keep him entertained and happy all morning and allow me to decompress and chat to other people. I have to say, I’ve never seen a child bored at the ones we go to. Maybe a little overwhelmed or anxious at first, but never bored. I think you should keep forcing her to be honest. If she can’t find entertainment in a hall full of toys and books and activities then you are on a bit of a hiding to nothing to be honest.

I am completely with you on lockdowns and the pandemic effects continuing making it hard to find the enthusiasm for SAHMing - its just been relentless domestic drudgery with young dc indoors hasn't it, I have really disliked it.

Its also a really hard time of year for a lot of people, its hard to get out.
What refreshes me is dipping into something that interests me during the day (much like I used to at work) - listen to 15 mins of a podcast while Paddington is on, reading a chapter of a book while they eat lunch, going somewhere just because I want to, listening to music I want on sometimes. Makes me feel a bit more my own person.