Will I ever get over PND guilt

[wonderwomen1]

I suffered from very severe postnatal depression with my first child and, ten years later, I still feel guilty about it all the time, about having let her down, about its effect on her, whether she has been scarred by it etc. I feel like I have been such a bad mother, don't deserve to be a mother, and that I will be punished by something happening to my child (ie she will have been mentally damaged by my depression and anxiety).

She is such a good child and she didn't deserve to have me as mother. I never hurt her but I had horrible thoughts and said nasty things. Thank god DH was great, that's probably why she is so lovely now.

I constantly think about it and tear up just remembering it. Will I ever get over it or is it something I'll have to learn to live with? I feel like I missed out on so much of the early months because of PND. I hid it so well from everyone and professionals.

Please do seek help from a qualified therapist or psychologist. Not a counsellor - someone trained in using psychological techniques to help. Preferably with experience in perinatal work. You do not have to live with this for your whole life but equally I don't think you can necessarily sort it out alone. It's heavy. Good luck

Your DD is lovely because you have done a great job in raising her despite having a debilitating illness. You deserve credit for that. You were ill OP. You wouldn’t be giving yourself a hard time if you’d had a physical illness would you? I had similar PND with DD1. She probably never saw me smile for the first year at least. She too is happy, kind and well adjusted. You sound like you would still benefit from some help. X

Thank you both for your kind words. I've been to the GP a couple of times but always out off therapy/medication but I think I'll have to really consider it now

I feel similar, I have huge guilt I love my DD now but rejected her when she was born, my mum and our au pair looked after her when I wouldn't hold her etc. In the first few few weeks, then later I looked after her and only after quite a while did I love her. Now she is nine I love her with all my heart and she is lovely. I would never tell her how I felt when I had PND.

Don't beat yourself up and make sure you look after yourself. I'm still on meds after PND nine years ago and it's OK. Love yourself OP I'm sure you are a lovely mum.

@FoggySpecs your story sounds so similar to mine. My mum helped me out so much. Dh was in work and I remember thinking it's easy for him, he gets away from it all day. I just wish I could go back in time. I don't think anyone really knew how I felt, I was scared to tell anyone.

Me too, I just wanted to run away from everything.

O could have written your posts word for word, OP. He’s 9 now and the absolute light of my life. He’a also happy, secure, affectionate and thriving. It took me until he was about 6 to stop feeling guilty about the feelings I had in the first year or two. I just had to accept them and forgive myself, and also look at what a fucking marvellous job I did when I was at my absolute lowest.
Are you completely well at the moment? Check in with yourself and take ALL the help on offer. You both deserve it and it allows to you to see the sunshine again.