Desperate for mum friends

[crumbs76]

I have a son who is almost two. I work part time and am home with him for the rest of the week. I’ve tried going to toddler groups and classes but have struggled to meet other mums, mainly because I’m quite shy/socially awkward and I also just haven’t found anyone I’ve gelled with. I joined an NCT group when I was pregnant but it fizzled out months ago, although we’re all still technically in touch via group chat.

I’m just really lonely and wish I had some other mums to meet with for coffees, play dates and the like. Any ideas how I can make it happen?

I'm afraid playgroups are definitely your best bet can you just keep trying different ones?

I've also seen Mums posting on our local FB group asking if anyone is in the same situation and wanted to meet up.

I was the same minus the work part (well paid employment anyway!) with my DTs. The thing that really changed it was my kids turning 3 and getting the free nursery hours - the kids made their own friends and I’ve made mum friends due to that.

It was really lonely before then, and I’m sorry it’s the same for you, it’s shit. It’s also exhausting!

I’m similar - and where I live, everyone knows each other/has never left the area so they’ve all got their family/friends already and don’t want or need new ones. I never really used it but a friend met a whole group on an app called mush?

Have you tried the peanut app? Seems very well used in the area I am from. I've met mum pals at playgroups, soft play, the library, the playground. You have to be ready to start a conversation or just smile and say hi so people know you are friendly.

I think a lot of people are shy with striking up a conversation with other mums but if you meet someone else who is on the park on a weekday morning with a young child, there is good chance she is up for play dates and making friends. You do have to try and overcome the shyness I think though.

You don't say what area you are from, maybe someone reading here is local and might hook up somewhere.

There's an app called Peanut specifically for this. I've found some great people to meet for playdates on there. I'm shy too and have found it far easier than approaching people at toddler groups.

I’ve bumped into a few of the NCT mums whilst out and about and sadly never had the nerve to ask them for coffee at the time. Has that ship now sailed?

We moved here a couple of years ago and haven’t managed to make many friends locally, mainly due to Covid I think. I feel so lonely and would love a fellow mum or two I could go for coffee with. The other issue is that the classes I go to seem to be mainly mums with babes in arms or childminders! Where are all the toddler parents? I wish I was better at making friends

I felt lonely when ds was this age. Everybody went back after maternity leave.

Go to the rhyme times and the clubs and the parks - you will at least be interacting with others, even if they aren’t going to be your friends.

I started writing when ds was asleep. I wrote an (unpublishable) novel. I think I created a world of characters to make up for the lack of people I met in my day.

It gets easier when the child themselves becomes more sociable. It becomes effortless when they get to school / nursery.

Good luck, op.

Do people tend to make friends through nursery then? My son is with a childminder at the moment.

I’m scared to use the Peanut app!

@crumbs76 I've felt like this before, and especially so since moving recently. Your local Facebook group might have someone who pulls events together, like a local "what's on"? type thing.

I've found being brave and chatting to other mums at places like soft play has helped - but I'm desperate for my little boy to start pre school in Sept so I can have a couple of local mums to talk to / grab a coffee with etc!

You need to be brave in these situations. Go to toddler groups and try to strike up conversations. That's how I met one group of mum friends. I also posted on my local FB page after I moved house and made a bit of a joke about it being like a dating advert seeking friends. Recently, I posted again and started a group chat for mums whose kids are starting school this year. Never met any of them and some of them are coming for a play date next weekend.

It might come across as desperate but as an only child with an only child I know how this game works

Where about a are you op?

Try and find a nice mum
and toddler group. We run an outside forest school toddler group. You can see that a lot of the mums are quite like minded.
Good luck. Keeping trying x

Unfortunately, I think you have to be more bold in approaching people (and I'm also shy so I know how hard it is). I'd start with the NCT group. Send a message to everyone asking if anyone fancies a meet-up/playdate/coffee. Or if that feels too much, maybe pick one or two who you got on best with and message then direct. That might say no or not reply but that's a risk you have to take! Just remember it's not personal.

Playgroups are harder because people often come in groups already. If you can do a class, where numbers are much smaller it will be easier to talk to people. But again, you have to be bold and ask someone if they want to meet-up.

It is a LOT easier once the kids are older and at nursery/school. Lots of school will have s parents WhatsApp and parent meet-up's so it's much easier to make connections.

Also, remember that it doesn't have to be parents. You can go out and meet up with friends/family who don't have kids too. Don't be afraid to seek their company during the week.

@crumbs76

Do people tend to make friends through nursery then? My son is with a childminder at the moment.

I’m scared to use the Peanut app!

It took me about 6 months to build up the nerve to download it, then weeks to actually talk to anyone! And you started a thread on Mumsnet so must be braver than me.

You swipe people like on tinder, then if they've swiped you it makes a connection. So you know the people you're talking to are interested in being your friend. The people I talk to are all shy too.

Your people are out there, they're just harder to find.

I wish you lived near me OP I feel exactly the same my little boy has just turned two and I don’t have a single mum friend!

I found it easier to connect with people at groups run by the local authority e.g. in local libraries. People seemed more open to chat in that context than at baby groups in churches where cliques of mums seemed to already know one another.

Thanks for the responses. I hear what you're saying about pushing myself out of my comfort zone and actively trying to chat to people - I know I can't just expect friendships to form out of nowhere.

Unfortunately though I just don't feel I have the confidence to do that. I think I'll need to wait until DS starts school and hope I meet people then!

But if your child is 2, school might be 2 or 3 years away. And if it doesn't happen then? It's like keeping telling yourself you'll be happier after next Christmas, or happier when you lose weight or whatever... it's not addressing the problem now, is it?

On the days you're not working I;d be searching out a playgroup, or toddler group, or some sort of mother-and-baby group which is volunteer run. Get involved. They will chew your hand off if you offer to help out with managing the waiting list, or collecting the money or buying the coffee. Join committees, get involved.

We moved from one end of the country to the other when my oldest was almost 4 and my younger child about 1.5. This is what I did, got involved with PTA and playgroup committee and so on. No, I didn't get on with everyone I met, didn't gel with everyone. But I did meet a couple of really decent women who I still see regularly for coffee and meals out, and my oldest is now almost 19.

I was like this and I'm also quite shy. None of my friends had children and I was so lonely. I basically went to everything going and chatted to any mums who seemed to be on their own as well (as in, didn't know other people in the group) then made sure I chatted to them again if they were there the next week. Depending on what vibe I was getting I'd ask if they wanted to go for a coffee/walk straight after the group. You have to be brave and just go for it. Also look for baby groups that interest you so you're more likely to find people like you. Our local cinema did baby cinema once a week, museums and art galleries do sessions, running if that's your thing...

Now DS is in school I actually have more friends from when he was a baby/toddler than school friends. The pool of school mums is smaller and although I do small talk we're not friends as we don't have much in common. Plus, by school a lot of people are back at work full time so meeting up can actually be harder. I'd say it's worth giving it a go now while he's younger. What have you got to lose?

Where are you? I'm stuck at home too and find it hard to meet people

You’d be best joining a class that’s a term, so it’s the same people booked for six weeks, then you’d see the same people week in week out and might find a connection there. I’ve been to lots of classes but to be honest it’s never gone more than superficial niceities as the only thing we have in common is a child the same age. Plus lots seem to already know each other whereas I wasn’t brought up in this area.

Where are you? I have a 22month old DD and no friends around... we just moved area and it's so lonely! I am shy too...

It's hard but keep trying. I was lucky to meet a more outgoing social mum early on so she did a lot of the organising. So latch on to an extrovert is my advice! In my experience mums have already formed friendships by the time the kids start school so don't wait as it won't necessarily be easier.

Honestly, try the peanut app. I've had a few meet ups from there so far and the mums have been lovely. I was so nervous at first.

@Hopitihop don’t suppose you’re in Essex? 😀