Keeping them in their bed // physical contact needs

[LKP123]

OK so I have a now 4.5 year old girl who will comfortably go to sleep in her own bed by herself but every.single.night comes into my bed.

I ask her why and she says for a cuddle, or misses me, but whilst I'd very much like to give her this comfort, she touches me all.night.long

She does have a good amount of time with us around school and at weekends, and she is definitely aware of how loved she is.

She will kick, paw, dig toes, stroke me (and a lot over my neck and throat which seems to be a huge comfort thing for her as she does it in the day and to all who love her) but it is making me physically unwell and very very tired.

Both her Dad and I are desperate for her to stay in her bed, mainly so that we all have quality sleep more often than not.

Please help me out here with your ideas and miracles!!!

We have tried:
Taking her back to bed
Music/audio stories
Warmer/cooler room
Compression sheet
7 foot u shaped pregnancy pillow
Talking to her
Bribing her

Bolt on your door. Seriously.

She's old enough now if you want a break for her to stop.

I nearly lost my job due to recurrent illnesses/mistakes due to chronic sleep deprivation from a child who was like this, nearly broke me. We tried ask the gentle options, didn't work, 5 nights of nuclear option and all sorted

Obviously she's old enough to get rewards etc too, just explain how badly you need sleep and that she has to stay in her own bed now.

Good luck

Pick one strategy and stick with it relentlessly - I’d go with taking her back to bed before she even gets in yours+ some kind of reward system for good behaviour. You’ll probably have a rough week or so but she’s old enough to be explained to and to choose her own reward.

As a parent of terrible sleepers I can tell you it will be well worth the investment - with DC1 we put up with over 3 years of broken nights, DC2 we were heading that way but at 18 months I put my foot down. The difference a few nights’ sleep makes is amazing!

What was the nuclear option?

I'm not happy to lock my door on her, for her own safety more than anything ie getting around our home and causing mischief!

One of the challenges I face is I don't always hear her before she is already in my bed snoring again!!!

I'm also conscious about noise levels at unsavoury times in the night, if we end up in a tantrum.

Watching with interest as have child the same age who is in my bed every night. I don’t even share a bed with DH any more because of this!

It isnt going to last forever. Can you say that you are ok with her coming in the room to be near you but not to wake you up. Put some pillows or a bean bag or airbed next to your bed.
The more of a big thing you make of it the longer these things last, and its very normal for young children to still need reassurance in the night at times, but that doesnt mean waking everyone up

I guess it comes down to whether you want her to stop sleeping in your bed entirely, or whether you’re happy for her to be in your bed as long as she’s not touching you?

I have something really similar with my 4 year old, he goes to bed fine but at some point every night he comes into our bed. He wanted to have his head on my pillow with his feet touching me at all times. If I moved away. He’d instantly move over. It got to the point where I couldn’t take it any more so I told him frankly that he could sleep with mummy in the bed but he had to stay on his own pillow and keep his feet to himself. Otherwise he was in his own bed all night. I was persistent with this and he got it after a couple of nights. He is old enough to be presented with options and choose the lesser of two evils. So he’s still in my bed but at least now I get my own space and can sleep. I really feel for you, it’s such a tough habit to break especially when you’re exhausted. Good luck x

Combine putting her back in her bed with a reward chart and stick to it.

Explain to her that she can't come in your bed anymore and explain why as you have here (but obviously in a child friendly way). Teaching her that other people have feelings and wants around how much physical contact you give them is a valuable and necessary lesson.

Buy her something nice for her room to sugar the pill a bit. Maybe a nightlight? Or a new teddy? Or blanket? The purchase of this marks the new rules being implemented.

Set up a reward chart and she gets a sticker each morning she wakes up in her own bed.

Then take her back to bed every single time she gets out. Consistently.

If this feels too harsh you could set her up a bed in your room (little roll out/camp bed). Rules are the same but she only need to stay in her bed in your room, not be on her own if that's too much for you/her to deal with.

For us nuclear option was being on guard, returning to bed as soon as DS gave up and repeat.

Did controlled crying too, returning after intervals to boringly treasures but no eye contact and words other than its night time go back to sleep.

Rode out screams, and within 5 nights was sorted. Plus GP prescribed a mild sedative such got DS to have an initial 3 hour block of sleep, until then he was waking hourly to breastfeed from the moment he went to bed.

He, DH and I, were different people after a week. He is and always was a 'high needs' child though, just manifests differently now he's a teen

I've had the pregnancy pillow in my bed to make a barrier. I have a king size bed but she still ends up almost on top of me!
But I agree with your comment re making an issue about it, but there's no sign of her just stopping.

I'm happy to spend thousands of pounds for her to sleep in her bed. Our moods are obvious after we've had a particularly disturbed night together.

I move, she moves. I move her away, she gets upset. I explain, and I have talked about our own bodies but I may try and find a child friendly youtube video re personal space/consent.

theres no sign of her stopping because shes not ready to. Shes only 4. It might seem like a big kid to you but shes not. Shes tiny. There will be many times over the years she may need you during the night as well as the day. The more you meet her needs, the more confident she will become that youre there for her when she needs you.Thats such a huge comfort to a child.

We had a 3 year old like this & honestly, we had to get really firm & consistent. I was expecting DD2 & it wasn’t safe/helpful for anyone to have her, my husband & a new baby in one room/bed. You’ll get people telling you she’s only small & while she is, she’s also 4 and a half and can sleep in her own bed without interruption. Sharing a bed where no-one is getting any sleep just makes everyone miserable. We’ve all got lives, both my husband & I work in very busy, full on jobs. We need to sleep reasonably well or it’s be dangerous (medical field). We accept there’ll be bad nights/bad weeks but not months & months on end!

We didn’t have a spare bed at that point either & it would have been horrendously unfair to have DH sleeping on the sofa when he had a full weeks work to do.

We spent HOURS lying on DDs floor. We set a rule no more mummy & daddy’s bed unless ill/upset/bad dream. So when she woke up, we took her back to bed and said we’d be nearby. We’d lay on the floor or sit on the chair in her room. We did this consistently until it clicked. It was exhausting but we needed to change her mindset. We got a nice nightlight & made sure we really sold her bed as cosy, comfy, safe, snuggly. We whacked the heating up so she didn’t feel cold. After a few weeks, we got a sticker chart & lots of chocolate. She got rewarded every morning for staying in her bed all night & after 7 days, a big treat such as a trip to the ice cream shop or cake at softplay etc.

We moved from come into our bed to one of us comes into yours ...then the adult would leave. Only in extreme allowed into ours sorted the problem about in about a week and saved my sleep

I'm in similar situation with my almost 5yr old. I have no words of wisdom here as I've tried most of why is being suggested.

In the last 3 months this has started out of the blue. She used to come through maybe once in the night a couple of times a week.

Now it's so bad she comes through every night several times. To the point she comes in now and if I put her bk she just comes bk in say 10mins or so. Every single time! I end up either giving in after the 4th or 5th time or I'll fall asleep in her toddler bed with her and sometimes for a few hrs! I've also let her in my bed without knowing, I wake up cuddling her but don't remember her coming in 🤷🏻‍♀️

There's no room in the bed as the 2yr old is often in there too 🙈 otherwise I wouldn't care as much. Although she seems to bother her dad more than me likes to lie up against him 😂

Christmas Eve was the last time she slept in her bed all night. She said because Santa wouldn't come if she didn't 😂 so she absolutely can do it!

Currently trying a reward chart and she was really excited at bed time. We told her what she wld get after 2 star, 5 stars and so on. She only came in once that night and next day she was desperate for her star. I said but u came in and she got all upset and said I can't remember 😂

I'm just hoping it's another phase that will pass soon 🤞🏻 My dh keeps threatening to get her a baby gate on her room so she can't leave. I don't like the idea of shutting her in or out. What if she's not feeling well, sick or needs the toilet etc.

I also think they are only little once and soon enough she'll not be interested in getting in cuddles etc, least that's what I'm telling myself 😂