Advice please - 1 month old baby

[Wolf202130]

DS has just turned one month old. I love him unconditionally and love being his mum but I am exhausted

DH is back at work so I tackle nights and DS likes to be held a lot, most of my day is spent holding him so he gets some naps in, he won’t nap when we pop him in the Moses basket.

He’s not too bad of a night but if he is in a light sleep he’ll wake and want to be cuddled and he also feeds a lot.

I know everyone says the first 6 weeks or so are chaotic and just let the baby lead but I look at other babies and wonder if we’ll ever get into a routine? It just doesn’t feel like it’ll happen :(

Did anyone else feel like this at this stage? I’m not trying to wish his newborn loveliness away but I am struggling slightly with each day being so unpredictable.

I’m scared to go out in case he fusses while we’re out in public and I panic so I’ve spent most of this month sat in my living room which is filling me with guilt because I’m worried I’m not getting him out enough. We do go on walks as that settles him but I won’t go too far from home as I’m scared

You will eventually get into a routine but at the moment your baby is so small. I found getting myself up and dressed before DH went to work to be really helpful even if it’s into comfy clothes you can nap in too. Look out for a baby social group or baby massage or a church or library singing group to go to once a week for you. At this age your baby doesn’t need to go anywhere. Are you able to safely cosleep?

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and it does get easier.

Agree it sounds like you’re doing a great job! I also remember being scared about going out and how I would cope… but the only way is to try and then it gets easier. First feed in public, figuring out nappy changes somewhere new etc. I also used to keep the sling under my buggy so mine could be close to me if needed.

You are doing so much better than I did at that stage! I hated it! Definitely get out if you can - it really helped me and at that age it's for you not them. They honestly don't need to go anywhere. I loved baby classes because there were guided activities and there were other mums I could talk to. It doesn't matter if your baby sleeps through it or cries through it or feeds through it - honestly everyone has been there! Once you get into the swing of it the first few months are fairly easy for taking them out - I do remember the fear though until I got used to it.

Thank you everyone it’s so hard but is still the best thing in the world

Regarding co sleeping I am way too nervous to do that, I fell asleep for 10 minutes with him on my chest and woke up in a panic and feeling so guilty I cried about it. I don’t know how I’d safely co sleep?

Will he stop wanting to be held all day? I’m cherishing the moment and loving cuddles but of a night it’s hard because he’ll only go in the bedside crib for an hour (2 max) then just wants to sleep on me so I’m not getting much at all

I have signed up for a baby class which starts next month so hopefully this’ll help my nerves. My mum suggested that like you have as she mentioned if he fussed there that no one will judge! So I’m hoping this helps me get over my nerves going our

Read up on safe cosleeping/bedsharing, it's the exact opposite of accidentally falling asleep with your baby on your chest. And get a sling if you don't already have one. Just go out in public, babies cry, people are used to it.

I have a 2 month old so I’m in a similar place but he’s my third so I have the benefit of having been there and done that-we barely got out of bed for the first 3 weeks, it was wonderful. No you aren’t doing your baby a disservice by not getting out. You need to both relax and get used to the new life. The behaviour sounds totally normal too, ready up about the fourth trimester.

I have coslept with all my babies-if you plan to do it it is safe, accidental ‘cosleeping’ such as falling asleep on the sofa with the baby on you is where a lot of the problems around cosleeping are taken. Cosleeping for me means the baby is in my bed, DH is in a different bed and I curl around the baby. When he is in a deep sleep I can shuffle over to the other side of the bed and have a bit more freedom. Definitely do a bit of reading to understand the risks but it really helps.

Babies do wake frequently and this also helps protect from sids buts it’s bloody hard going especially the first time round. Do you have a sling?

I found it got gradually easier week by week. Definitely get out with the buggy or a sling - both of mine love an outdoor nap and it's much less frustrating than the endless attempts to get them in the basket. Plus bonus fresh air and change of scene for you. No one cares if little babies cry, it's the toddler tantrums that attract the looks!

You aren't doing your baby a disservice by getting out, but it would probably be a good thing for you, for you to get out more.

Before you know it, outings will be all soft play, playdates and parks. This first few months is the time when you can go places for YOU.

Places you've never had time to go to before because of work, long lunches with friends, walks, museums, whatever you want really. And baby wont mind either way as they just need you near at that stage, wherever that is.

But if you'd rather be at home, then that's fine too.

Honestly, no one cares if baby cries when you are out, though I can understand feeling self conscious (and did myself). At this stage, they are just a baby, and people expect them to cry sometimes. At worst, the noise may irritate people, but they wont be judging you or your baby.

Also (Im sorry) but learning how to cope with being embarrassed in public is something you cant wait out, as it goes on for many years.

My excruciation at not being able to get my baby to latch on in a cafe is nothing in hindsight, compared to a 2yo lying on the floor of a supermarket screaming at me, whilst calling me names. Or a 3yo loudly saying out of the blue when in a queue, how they 'loved their daddy's penis'.

Motherhood is amazing, but its a big learning curve. All your baby needs is you right now, and you are doing a fab job with that.

You're doing great responding to what your baby needs - cuddles from mum!

DS is 11 weeks old and still likes to be held for naps but he will now tolerate some naps in his swinging chair (he was probably about 5 weeks when he started managing that), or he's happy to nap in the car/pram/sling if we're out. I'm finding it a bit easier to do things now that he's awake for longer periods than it was in the earlier days. I can pop him in his bouncy chair to watch me wash his bottles or on his play mat for a kick about so I can quickly eat a sandwich!

It's good to get baby outside in the daylight as it helps them to distinguish day from night, but don't stress about getting out all the time. One day when DS was about 5 weeks old we realised he suddenly couldn't settle downstairs after about 7pm any more - he'd decided that was bed time and now happily goes to sleep in his next to me at about that time at night. We still don't have a set day time routine, we just go with when he's hungry or tired, but having that as "bed time" has helped structure the day a bit.

Baby groups are great and I agree that nobody cares if babies cry/need fed/need to sleep. DS slept in my arms through the entire first baby massage class I took him to, if I tried to put him down he cried! All of the babies in the class have cried/needed fed or something at one point or another too so honestly, everyone is in the same boat

It does get better, don't put too much pressure on yourself!

Thank you everyone I feel a bit better. I have just been so exhausted and I see everyone talking about a routine I think will we ever get there? Or even some structure in our days?

Regarding co sleeping, I’m not entirely against it! I may research it. I just have a really bad fear that’d I’d slip into a deep sleep and roll onto him and suffocate him or something. I’m sure I’d be as much as a light sleeper as I am now but because I’m so tired I’m really worried about slipping into a deep sleep, I worry about being out of control even in the day which is why I always do all the tasks I feel the need to be in control

Oh to add about cosleeping too - we did this for about a week from I think 3-4 weeks old just to get us all some actual sleep and it did help. I still bring him into bed with me if he struggles to settle sometimes at say 5am and I'm not keen on getting up at that hour

I was worried about it too but having done it, I find I stay very still in the recommended "C" shape and wake to any little grunt DS makes anyway. I think it would be pretty difficult to roll onto him from that C shape position.

Use wake windows to plan your day. Once the baby wakes up you then know when he will be ready to sleep and you can plan for the nap to be in the buggy or sling. A takeaway coffee and cake on a park bench while the baby sleeps can make you feel like you had a bit more variety in your day.

I hope you don’t mind me saying this but I don’t know why you do all nights because your husband works? My husband works too (albeit only sat down in an office, not operating machinery or a doctor or anything) and we continued to share nights because being at home with the baby all day is just as hard (if not harder) than going to work (for us anyway).

I really think he should help you more if he can but I understand I don’t know what he does for a job so I could be completely suggesting something not possible here.

Hope you manage to get some rest. Our baby had colic so the first 3 months were absolute HELL, but I found that getting out each day was so beneficial for my mood. Even though it was stressful, it gets less stressful the more you do it. And I actually found that being in a loud cafe with some NCT pals made my baby not cry and mostly sleep. He was mostly good as gold, must’ve been the acoustics or something. Sometimes he cried but I just got on with it because I knew I had to get out and see people to not go completely mad.

Good luck xx

Also forgot to say we had no routine at this stage and baby would only nap on me. He screamed all evening none stop and then would eventually pass out.

Our health visitor suggested starting a bedtime routine at 8 weeks and it’s the best thing we ever did. We did bath, bottle, bed from 8 weeks and put him down at 8.30pm, and one of us would go to bed as well (he is in a next to me crib). The first few nights he had to be comforted and picked up but after that he went down ok.

The colic subsided at 11 weeks and we brought bedtime earlier to 7.30, he’s now 4 months and naps in his crib 3 times a day and goes down easily at night too and sleeps a long stretch.

It gets so much better and easier, hang in there xx

@Wolf202130

Thank you everyone it’s so hard but is still the best thing in the world

Regarding co sleeping I am way too nervous to do that, I fell asleep for 10 minutes with him on my chest and woke up in a panic and feeling so guilty I cried about it. I don’t know how I’d safely co sleep?

Will he stop wanting to be held all day? I’m cherishing the moment and loving cuddles but of a night it’s hard because he’ll only go in the bedside crib for an hour (2 max) then just wants to sleep on me so I’m not getting much at all

I have signed up for a baby class which starts next month so hopefully this’ll help my nerves. My mum suggested that like you have as she mentioned if he fussed there that no one will judge! So I’m hoping this helps me get over my nerves going our

Falling asleeping with a baby on your chest is dangerous but Co sleeping isn’t. Look up the lullaby trust description of how to safely cosleep. Are you bf or ff?

Not sure if it has been said but swaddle?

Routine doesn't fall into place (or didnt here) until about 6m when they go into their own room.
Sleep when baby sleeps. Put down to fall asleep in the day. Rest as much as you can in the day.

Ahh @Wolf202130. I can promise you everyone with a 1 month old is winging it, in one way or another. They do stop wanting to be held all the time and a routine will come…but in my experience (and a fair few of my friends) it wasn’t until much later, like 6 months or so to be honest. So my main advice would be radical acceptance. Acceptance that it’s really, really hard right now, but it won’t be this way forever.

DS was supremely colicky. I used to hate going out with him too for fear of him screaming. I eventually plucked up the courage one day when he was about 4 weeks old and went out with him to the local park. And you know what? He screamed and I cried. But the world didn’t end. In fact, two separate groups of people were incredibly lovely to me. One women even bought me a coffee. I pushed myself to go out daily and it really did help.

I agree with @Cafeaulait27. There are very, very few jobs that preclude a partner from pitching in overnight. Why are you doing it all on your own? You need to split parenting 50:50 when your DP is around as the first year really is a long old slog and you need to maximise your energy as much as possible.

Good luck

OP, I totally understand the anxiety of going out alone and how things will pan out.

My first day out alone with him at 3 weeks, I took him in fabric sling on the bus to a local shopping centre. I browsed clothes, had a coffee, got a taste of normality, and he only woke once for a feed.

I was so so nervous during the feed as he did tend to cry a lot, however when I looked around everyone else was carrying on with their conversation and paid no attention to us (apart from the odd admiration of baby in sling!)

Another great activity is baby cinema, if you have any local cinemas that do baby screenings. Basically filled with parents (couples and solo) with intermittently crying babies and zero judgement/annoyance guaranteed!

I really recommend starting in a shopping centre - plus side is if you forget to pack anything, everything is available to buy. Since your baby likes being held, it's worth investing in a sling, even second hand.

For me (with both of mine). The first 6 weeks were the most tiring, but between 6-12 weeks, I started to see a bit of a pattern emerging and things for a bit earlier and then by 12-14 weeks, I consciously had the energy to work on a proper routine. By routine I mean, not going to bed at 1am and staying in bed until midday! I started to put them down for bed at 7/8pm and get up at 7/8am and then follow wake windows for naps. Both mine napped better when held until they were about 3/4 months and then I could start putting them down for naps and get a bit of a break. Believe it or not, you do end up missing all that holding when they get a bit bigger! Hang in there! You're doing a fab job and is really does get easier!

Hey iv got a 6 week old baby too so I totally get where you are coming from. I have 3 other kids and my husbands works nights. I think iv left the house 3 times since we got home. We bought a baby swing rocker chair 2 weeks ago and it's been a life changer
She loves the motion and even spends time awake just looking around. It's been like a third arm for me I really suggest you get one if you haven't already sending hugs

I totally understand your fears about taking a newborn out I am exactly the same but my baby is now 9 weeks and I already feel better. DH took us out to the pub for lunch a few times and that really helped to build my confidence. When I take her on my own I stay really close to home walking around the block so that if she cries I can go home. I’ve also ordered a sling so that I can use the pram and sling to see if that helps me get further. I also co- sleep now which has given us such better sleep. I promise it does feel better I think I stayed in for 5 weeks but if really effected me so try walking around the block even if it’s 5 mins you’ll feel better . Good luck

Mine is exactly the same age as yours. He loves days out in the pram. I've also joined a few baby groups very helpful. As for the night an having problems too not much sleep. Can't wait till this stages is over.