Feel so unhappy as a parent.

[Poole14]

I don’t know why I’m allowing myself to type this because I know how I sound… ungrateful, nasty, horrible and whatever else. I absolutely adore my kids, I have two DS ages 18 months and 7 months but the truth is I absolutely hate everything about parenting.

We relocated to my hometown so my mum could help with childcare and my partner took a job working away. Although my mum is amazing on the weekends she still works full time so for the majority it’s just me with the baby’s. I have the most beautiful and gorgeous little boys but I just dread the days together they are so long and I miss having conversations with adults and not just getting screamed at . It’s Friday now and I am already dreading Monday, my toddler is at the age where he just screams from morning til night and hitting if he doesn’t get his own way and the 7 month old is getting more demanding by the day as he gets more independent and wants to do more things. I feel like such a failure as I know women are born to be mothers but I honestly feel so trapped and nearly at breaking point. I feel like all I am is a mum and I can’t even do that right. I am so unbelievably tired and so short tempered. I wake up and think I’ll keep calm today and won’t have a stressful day and by 9am I am ready to pull my hair out. I went into the lockdown so confident and happy and now I don’t even recognise who I am. I am constantly stressed, annoyed, angry and deeply unhappy. I wake up everyday and think I just don’t want to be a parent today and then I feel guilty because I think my kids deserve better. I just feel unbelievably sad, I see all these parents on Instagram just loving every second and I can honestly say I hate it . I feel so trapped within my life and I would never hurt myself because I would never do that to my kids but everyday is a complete struggle because I’m so unhappy. I don’t know what the point of this post is I just needed to vent and wondered if anyone else felt the same at all?

Also want to add I am aware that I need to speak to someone as this isn’t normal but I’ve only been referred to CBT for anxiety because I am too scared to admit how I’m really feeling incase they think I can’t take care of my kids. My kids needs are always met and on the outside I look the perfect mum it’s just how I feel on the inside

God get back to work. It's a big ask of your mum to keep 'helping'. Not really fair tbh.
I went back to work pt at four months each time. It saved me.
These early years are tough. Outsource them.

I think many would feel the same if they had to manage on their own nearly all week with no break. It must be bloody hard so don't feel like you are a failure. People on social media post the best bits rarely the worst bits of parenting so take it with a pinch of salt.

Have you spoken to your partner? Is there anything that can be done so he is at home more? Is there an option to put the children in childcare during the week like a Wednesday to break the week up and take a breather?

I felt like this during the first lockdown, I was trapped at home with a toddler and a baby with my husband working long hours in the home office. It was relentless with no support. I felt exactly like you described and asked the GP for antidepressants. I've been on sertraline and it really helps. Could your eldest go to nursery or a childminder for two sessions a week?
Is your partner back at the weekend? You should take a few hours for yourself, go to the gym or a cafe with a good book. Try to regularly meet or friend or connect with local mums. It really helps.

It sounds really tough going . Can you try and get them outside in the fresh air , let the toddler run off steam at a play park and grab yourself a coffee whilst the little one is in the pram . I know it's not much of a help but it's a start . I really feel for you as its tough going having 2 little ones under 2.

OP I actually do think the way you feel is normal. I had DC through ivf, absolutely longed for child. But I hated a lot of the baby years. Please get childcare in place and have a break. You will enjoy them so much more.

I used to look at happy / content full time mothers with total amazement.

Also it gets tons easier when they start school.

@cptartapp

God get back to work. It's a big ask of your mum to keep 'helping'. Not really fair tbh. I went back to work pt at four months each time. It saved me. These early years are tough. Outsource them.

I don’t ask my mum to help. I am her only child and she has no other family so she takes enjoyment from spending the weekend with us. I wouldn’t ever just put my kids onto her.

But yes I definitely do think I need to go back to work, I guess it would give me a break and change things up a little. I did very nearly get a job in my trained profession but was called yesterday to say the lady who was leaving has changed her mind so I think that has knocked me a bit. Not an area where job prospects are great to be honest but will keep trying, thanks x

Your emotions are completely normal.

The only full day I have with my LO, who is now 2.5, is Fridays and I've started to send her to the childminders for 3 hours in the morning as I hate it. Peace and quiet fills me with energy but my little one talks ALL THE TIME and its draining. She also leaves a trial of destruction and mess everywhere she goes.

If we have a break from each other we get on great and have some amazing quality time when she gets home. If I have her all day I'm a stressed out short tempered mess by 9am and run upstairs out of the way as soon as my husbands home.

Even if you don't make any money after childcare costs it might be better for your MH if you get a job so you ca have some time away from the torture.

Oh my word it doesn't sound unreasonable to not enjoy that, the circumstances and the ages of your children are a really tough combination and the week is very long without a break at all! I am guessing you have tried already to find any way the 18month old could go to nursery or similar a day or a couple of mornings a week? With the 7 month old about to be more mobile it would probably be good for all of you. Is there any teenagers etc in your family who would come and play with them for a few hours for a lower payment while you were there, just to relieve the pressure a bit so you can get stuff done? Is downtime definitely split equally between you and DP, when he is there?
Last christmas I had a 4m old and a 2yr old, a much easier combo than yours, but the only way we got through the day was a cast iron routine with the toddler watching tv every time the baby napped to give me some downtime. We also went out in the pushchair every single morning at 8:30am (prep the night before) unless it was raining, which just changed the whole tone if the morning and made me feel like I had achieved something.
You’re doing so well and this will get better!

Can the old go to nursery few mornings a week? Child minder?

Do you go out with them through the day?

Thanks everyone for your replies.

We go out every morning for a walk and like someone has said I used to feel like I’d achieved something but now my eldest has started hating the pushchair. I am constantly picking up his gloves, hat and his dummy. As soon as he throws his dummy he screams for it back and this just continues so I come home more flustered than when I left.

I know it’s just age and not their fault but jeeez it is difficult!

My partner can’t cut his hours down as we have just bought a new house and really need the pay that working away has. I know that it’s me that had the problem not the kids or anyone else, I just need to feel happy with my life and not caught up in the negatives all the time.

You need gloves on string through this coat.
Dummy clip
If he takes his hat off, keep it off.

@Poole14 with babies at those ages, you're doing well. Try not to beat yourself up. It is a phase that will pass. How about puddlesuit and wellies and let him jump in puddles, slides in parks etc to burn some energy.
Back home and pop him in shower. Warm milk or chocolate drink and cuddle on sofa watching his favourite cartoons. Colouring books to scribble on, toys like Thomas the Tank.
Have you any friends you can visit during the week? As pp said can you get a childminder for even one day a week for eldest?Go see your GP. It will all pass.

Sounds normal, there’s plenty of threads about it. ‘I know that women are born to be mothers’-is so offensive and incorrect though.

Oh my goodness. If I was at home 5 days a week with 2 under 18 months I would be losing my mind too. Agree with PPs. Try and prioritise some money in your finances to send older one to nursery or childminders for a couple of days per week. Use any spare pockets of time to look for a job, maybe to start when DC2 is 12 months. I think toddler groups are ace - lots of toys in a contained space and plenty of people who can keep an eye on your DC while you drink tea. It will get better when they get older, but to be honest you are still a fair few years off of that so prioritise surviving here and now.

Outsource all you can afford, join a baby class to meet others, join a Gym with crèche or go back to work is my only advice 🙈

Gosh OP I don’t think you’re unreasonable I think you’re superwoman with little ones of those ages and a husband that works away. I have a 17 month old and I can’t even imagine having a 6 month old alongside him, in fact the thought breaks me out in a cold sweat!! (And I say that as someone who had a very difficult journey to bringing my DS home). Parenting small children is relentless, my DH doesn’t work away but he does sometimes work weekends and I find it so draining. Agree with others, do whatever you can to get though. Try and find activities that will tire out your older DS and your younger will enjoy watching, I go to a lovely church playgroup and my DS loves charging around, maybe see if there’s something like that near you? Please don’t feel guilty and do talk to the gp honestly about how you feel, it’s so common to find it difficult and they won’t take your babies away xxxx

Honestly I think you've taken on a lot there, 5 days a week on your own with 2 under 2. I think most people would struggle. Can you afford to pay someone to come and help just a few hours a week? To give you a little break.

Jesus woman you had two lock down babies one at a time, please be kinder to yourself.

How are they sleeping? When he's home does DH do his share of nights / early mornings? I'm projecting over my lockdown twins but I imagine mostly you're exhausted from shit sleep. It's so important you catch that sleep up when you can. If Mom can have them for an hour or two, or just the older one if baby naps reliably and nap in the day, or lie in when he's home.

Are you managing to eat properly? If it's a chore eating properly, can you get some easy healthy snack stuff in? The porridge you just add water to, nice fruit etc?

You're parenting at one of the hardest times at a point in your life when you have very little network or support locally. That makes this so much harder. Are there any generic play groups near you? Church Hall types where eldest can go off and play, baby can roll on the floor and you can have a coffee and talk to an adult?

@Poole14 the first rule of life is to get off Instagram. Seriously. Get off ALL social media.

Comparison is the thief of joy and you're not even comparing like for like. You're comparing someone else's carefully crafted highlights theyve chosen to creat and show you, with the reality of your own life.

The people who make the most effort trying to show everyone else what such a good time they're having are nearly always the ones with the unhappiest lives.

You're doing a fantastic job as a mum

I was a full time mum to a child who never stopped, always climbing everything, throwing everything, never kept still for nappy change, dropped all naps at 18 months.. Every single thing was soooo hard. It slowly eats you up. I ended up sending him to pre school for three hours a day and it was enough to take the edge off it. But I swear for those years I totally didn't feel human and felt I failed big time, but I don't know what else I could have done. It does get easier when they go to school. Looking back I wished I'd taken more breaks, but didn't realise I could or deserved them.

Before I had my son I had big plans that I would stay at home with him until he started school, just like my mum had done with me ... I lasted 18 months until I was desperately trawling job sites, using the phrase "As long as I break even I don't care what I do!" and that was just with one child.

12 years on I'm definitely starting to wear rose tinted glasses and wish he was tiny again.

Give yourself a break, motherhood is hard, try and find a way to get a break for at least a few hours every week.