Constant criticism of all my parenting choices - what can I do?!

[boHOHOhemianbint]

I know it sounds like I'm doing nowt but moaning this week, but please, bear with me. I'm not as angsty as it might sound, I just don't often post on here about all the good bits!

When I had DS1, no-one (bar my great aunt) had a good word to say about anything I did. Because I breastfed exclusively and refused to do any top ups, because I held my brand new baby and wouldn't just leave him to cry, I have come in for so much criticism and it really gets me down.

Then this morning round at my mum and dad's, I was telling my dad what a nightmare we had at DP's grandparents the other day (picture tiny, not very clean room, 2 octagenarians, one blind, a scratchy cat and more knick-knacks than you can shake a toddler at) and he said DS needed to be told "no". I said, yes, but he's quite young still, and whilst we do say no to lots of things it's often more constructive to either distract him or take him out of the situation.

My dad than got a bit arsey and said "well when are you going to start teaching him then?" and it's really got to me - the way he said it and that he obviously thinks I'm doing it all wrong and raising a little horror.

I feel like I want to have a word with my mum and just say that when the next baby arrives (in August) that I'll be doing things pretty much the same as last time, and more so, especially with the baby wearing etc and I would like it if people can't be supportive that they don't pass comment at all. I wish people would be supportive but it seems to be asking a bit much.

I just don't want to go through the same rubbish as last time when I have my new baby. Has anyone else had this? How did you deal with it?

And why does everyone feel the need to criticise? I swear only one person has ever said anything positive to me in 16 months.

Poor you .

I think, though, that you have to be brave and put down all the very misguided thinking that is coming your way from your grandparents' and parents' generation down to the practices of a latter age, and failure to keep up to date. Keep reminding yourself that you are much better informed and educated than they are.

Ah but you are an experienced mum now, perhaps they will feel less inclined to tell you what to do this time round? (positive thinking)

My dps always complain to me about my sister's dc and how badly she is bringing them up and all the things she is doing wrong (i.e. everything). To me they never said a thing.

I expect they are saying it all to my sister!

I'd like to think they'd credit me with some experience, but when we told them 2 weeks ago that I'm pregnant again, my mum said, "you'll have to be much more laid back this time and just deal with the new baby then let it cry adn get on with things." WHen I said I'll be co-sleeping (with a co-sleeper cot, at least for the first 6 months or so) she said "yeah, but you can kill your baby, it's dangerous."

Doesn't bode well, does it? I've done a BF counselling course this year, I'm really well informed on loads of things to do with BF, co-sleeping, baby wearing etc as a result, but they still think I'm a flaky idiot and it really makes me sad.

sounds like they think you place the dc in the centre of your life and make him the focus of everything (which I do too btw) and they feel uneasy about that. Maybe back when their dc were all small, people just had babies as a matter of course, didn't think about it all that much and didn't get too fussed about it, just got on with life IYSWIM so to them it seems a bit obsessional or something the way we mums are these days?

Just tell people that if they can't say something supportive then keep their opions to themselves, although you would apprevciate some support.

you are your own woman now and you are doing a great job and even if they don't know it, you know it.

it sounds like it time to start to put some distance between your parents and other relatives and to seek camaraderie among friends who understand your world view better than your relatives do.

they will still be your relatives no matter what and maybe some distance is what you need to accept and come to terms with their disapproval (because it is certainly sounding like you can't change it so why live with the torture of it?)

as time goes by, hopefully they will grow up and accept that you are raising perfectly normal, happy, well adjusted children who are an asset to the extended family. and if they can't do that, it sounds like they will be the poorer for it.

I know i am sounding curmudgeonly but hugs bohemianbint. this is a road I am also familiar with.

I sympathise with you and am also amazed that anyone challenges a pregnant woman!

My dad said to me once when my DS was screaming (again) when he was 6 weeks and I was horribly sleep deprived 'he doesn't sound very happy does he?'. I'm afraid I shouted fuck off at him I think that stopped anyone else in their tracks so you could try losing your rag

If I were you though, I'd be very firm and just say 'I know you don't agree with our (assuming you have a DP, it might be helpful to appear as a united front) parenting style but it's the way we've decided to do things and I'd prefer it if you didn't question our choices.'

What can you do?

Nothing.

People like this, who cannot keep their bloody stupid opinions to themselves, aren't going to change their minds because it implies a criticism of the way they did things. Which is why they're so bloody vocal about the way everyone else does things. So there's no point reasoning with them, as they're not going to respond to reason. Just keep away from them as much as possible. Call me unsympathetic, but old people who insist on having knick knacks around the place which they object to being moved/ examined/ broken, shouldn't expect frequent visits from children imo.

They just all piss me off.

Thank you everyone.

Sazzy - I was told when DS was about the same age, about 6 weeks that he cried too much, that he probably had low blood sugar and needed to see a doctor, and that if I kept meeting his needs he would grow up to be a psycopath.

I don't want that this time, so I think you are all right, they need to be more supportive or I need to withdraw a bit. It's sad but it just can't go on.

Hmmm....the distance bit is quite tricky as my whole family live within about 3 miles of each other!

I am starting to think more and more about going to live somewhere nice and remote, in Scotland, or Ireland, or Greenland...

I know how you feel too but agree with the other lady who said keep a bit of distance between you & those who dish out all this 'well meaning advice'or just plain interfering negative comments.

When asked about how you're going to do certain things just say you've yet to sit down with dh and talk about it, i seriously would not discuss parenting issues that much with them, just change the subject.

But if they do say something negative about how you raised your last child then you are quite within rights to say well we are his parents and we are doing what's right for us as a family

I am also expecting in august and haven't braved telling family yet as had a bit of a tough time wiyh overbearing gp's last time

by putting a bit of distance i mean, making plans with other likeminded people so you are not as available to see them. even just changing your own routine a bit finding new interests which will mean less time with them.

giving non-committal answers to questions which you know will end up with a difference of opinions.

sad when it is your own family you begin avoiding but many people make different choices from the ones they were expected to take and many times it is entirely for positive motives. don't be too hard on yourself. later on, you will find some middle ground when the territory is more neutral.

gosh it can't be nice for you!

Just be extra confident and assertive about the parenting choices you have made, regardless of what they say or think, maybe they will give up if they see there is no naw you will budge as you have beliefs and reasons behind your parenting.

When ds was in hospital after a premature birth there was one older nurse who would always have a go at me for always holding DS and laving him really close instead of in the cot, I'd just say "well he's my baby and I think he needs to be skin to skin to me and able to hear my heart" and in the end she didn't bother trying to tell me what to do.

Similarly, my parents used to make comments like yours about being firm or saying no when ds wasn't yet 2, now that he is nearly 5 and a very well behaved lovely good natured boy they say what a good job I've done and agree more with my parenting principles!

Persevere, remember, you know what is right for your children!

My mum used to be like this...... However eventually I stood up to her, and said things like "But this is how I,m doing it. You may not like it, but I am doing what I see fit for my child, and will continue to do so. Your way isn't necessarily the right way"

She stopped doing it.........I waited 5 years to stand up to her, don't wait that long. Whenever she tried, I challenged her, eventually she gave up

Agree with all the advice here.

I think it's a common problem. Staying with m&d just now for Christmas - today ds was having a tantrum over something silly, not doing anything horrible, just standing and screaming, and my Dad said "that boy needs to learn the difference between right and wrong". Personally I don't think it's a crime to scream a bit if you're 4 and angry.

Can you confront your parents at all? I wish I could but they take everything personally. Which I suppose stems from having the sort of upbringing where you are smacked for feeling angry.

Sounds like you know you are doing things exactly the way you feel is right and it's nobody else's business. Thankfully the days are gone when children should sit there like puppets, although I think my parents would prefer it if they did.

boho i know its a sad thing to do but with these kind of people its best to try and not express or even talk about anykind of problem at all
as they'll be on it like a shot

like as i had alot of critisim from my family for bf dd, i found i wasnt able to talk to them abput any problems as it would all get blamed on bf

its really sad having to do that,but do you think it may help?

Keep reminding yourself that your parents love you, they love their lovely little grandchild but they are 30 years out of date with their parenting advice.

They are not doing it to piss you off, they are trying (in their clumsy way) to help you.

Then you have to either tackle them about it, tell them it is upsetting you or live with it.

I am getting really good at opening both ears and letting the well meaning advice of my PILs just flow through.

Thank you everyone.

I'm going to have a discreet word with my mum about how my dad spoke to me and tell her that I don't want to hear constant criticism of how I do things.

If that doesn't work, then as you've all said, I'm just not going to discuss anything like that with them.

I just keep thinking - what if I turned around to them and said: "the way you brought us up was total shite and you really buggered it up?" It's exactly the same as what they're doing to me, but I'm just not that rude!

I agree with Kindersurprise that they are trying to help you rather than criticise, so if you try to bear that in mind it might make it easier for you to deal with (and ignore) My Mum and MIL did dish out advice when DD1 was a baby. My Mum wasn't too bad but MIL had done the strict routine, 4 hourly feeds, just leave them to cry etc which just didn't fit in with my breast feed on demand and cuddle them as much as possible view. She also kept telling me that DD1 needed a bottle because she was a big baby and I would run out of milk! She ran out of milk with all of her 3, but she couldn't get my point that had she not kept to her strict four hourly feed that wouldn't have happened. But she was well meaning in what she said. She just felt that she was experienced and she knew best.

A big plus for me is that we live 400+ miles away so I didn't have to hear it too often!

When DD1 was at the toddler stage she was very tactile and wanted to touch everything. I warned MIL of this because her house is just stuffed full of ornaments etc. She replied "well DD1 will soon learn not to touch if you just keep saying no". Within a few hours of our arrival MIL had moved all her precious ornaments out of reach.

On a final note of encouragement, when DD2 was born the advice stopped. So, hopefully the same will happen for you. MIL now praises me for being such a patient and good Mummy [very smug emoticon]

I'm a great believer in 3 things

1. They did what they believed was best with their own children, I'll bring my own chldren up how I see best.
2. I try and ignore as much as possible, but my 'rules' are non negotiable. (I ignore them stuffing dd full of chocolate, up to a point, then I calmly tell them NO MORE, and stick very firmly to my guns no matter what happens.
3. I have perfected the art of saying 'oh really, well nowadays the (insert person of authority eg doctor/HV) recommend ...'