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Original poster

Feeling like he'll have a better life with someone else

26 replies

Arghlife · 27/01/2022 03:35

I'm failing. I'm failing him. I'm failing at basic things for him. I've got so much support and I'm still failing him. I thought I could do it but I clearly can't.

OP posts:
Lemongrass9 · 27/01/2022 03:42

Sounds like you are having a really tough time @Arghlife I’m sure you aren’t failing at all, I imagine you are doing a fantastic Flowers you can do it.

What going on at the moment?

Quinque · 27/01/2022 03:52

Every mum thinks that at some time or other, you're not alone.
Do you want to tell us about it?

Original poster
Arghlife · 27/01/2022 07:14

I can't even list it because when I start I feel like it's everything. I couldn't sleep last night, I didn't have tye energy to try and get him to sleep so he was awake for a long time. He wasn't crying. I ended up looking at adoption.

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WarriorN · 27/01/2022 07:29

Hi Argh, can you tell us more about you and your little one?

How old is he? Do you have a partner? Do you have any support?

Can you call someone today and can they come round?

Can you speak to your Gp?

Original poster
Arghlife · 27/01/2022 07:32

He's 4 weeks and I have support, he wouldn't even know if I left.

OP posts:
AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 27/01/2022 07:36

It's a really tough time tye early weeks but believe me you are his everything
I say this as an adopter and someone with birth children. He knew who you were before he was born. The attachment to you is his world even though it may not feel it just now
You are all he needs and the loss of you would impact the rest of his life
Please ask for help and believe in yourself x

rattlemehearties · 27/01/2022 07:38

It's surprisingly normal to feel like this! And it passes. You must be exhausted. Sounds like depression - please ask for help from support groups, GP, midwife.

WarriorN · 27/01/2022 07:45

Ah lovely it's so hard on the early days.

Inability to sleep could be a sign of something else though, the post partum period can be a bit crazy on the body.

He needs his mum but it sounds like mum needs some help.

Can you talk to someone about how you feel?

Call the Gp and describe how you're feeling. Thanks

daisychainsandrainbows · 27/01/2022 07:49

Have you confided in anybody in real life about how you feel? It sounds like you're hideously overwhelmed and most likely in the grips of PND and it will be hard for you to see straight. You need to talk to your support network and most definitely your GP.

A 4 week old awake in the night is so normal, he wasn't crying and sounds like he was perfectly alright to don't use that experience as a stick to beat yourself with.

If he's safe, fed and clean and you're responding to him when he cries you are meeting his basic needs. Are there any of these things you feel like you're not doing or are you putting pressure on yourself with other things?

Lemongrass9 · 27/01/2022 08:13

I’m sorry this is hard @Arghlife I had lots of support when my son was tiny but that’s doesn’t stop it being hard. I do understand what you mean about feeling you should be doing fine when you have lots of support.

You have just grown a human baby and got him out of your body, then with no respite you have started caring for the the baby…and you have been caring for his every need for 4 weeks. That is amazing. Pregnancy, birth, and caring for a baby is tough!

As others have said, please speak to someone in real life about how you are feeling.

Also small babies are up lots in the night, I often give up and just let mine be awake - especially in the first few weeks.

Just to add, when you say you have lots of support, is that just in the day time or at night too? I only ask as in my experience having tons of support in the day ends up feeling like nothing if you are alone at night.

Mimba1 · 27/01/2022 09:58

@Arghlife this is more normal than you know. Do reach out to your health visitor and tell them how you're feeling. There's a lot going on with a new baby and you might need some support to adjust. When DS was 4 weeks old I was really struggling and definitely searched for adoption around that time. I had support as well but sometimes that makes it feel worse - everyone else seems to be doing great with them except you (it isn't true but it feels that way). It gradually got easier but I did need some counselling to help me along. The perinatal team have been great. I still sometimes think DS doesn't know who I am but it's a lot less common now. Please ask for help. And if you need help in the middle of the night the Samaritans are always there. I still hate 4am with a passion!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/01/2022 10:15

So sorry OP- please keep in mind no one can think rationally on broken/ little sleep. It gets better, do speak to your HV or GP- and all little ones need their mummys!

Original poster
Arghlife · 27/01/2022 11:00

Thank you everyone for your messages. I don't think I can talk to anyone irl about how I'm feeling or struggling at the moment, I would probably get more support but then I think that will push me even further towards feeling that he doesn't actually need me. I do love him, I know that, I just have alot of feelings right now that I shouldn't have had him or that I'm not giving him a good life. It's been an emotional few days so will try to speak to someone. Maybe it's just the tiredness

OP posts:
Ohdoleavemealone · 27/01/2022 11:07

@Arghlife

He's 4 weeks and I have support, he wouldn't even know if I left.
He would know. He would suffer for the rest of his life as do ma y adopted children (including mine) with the knowledge that his mother left him. No matter how noble you think the act is, to him it will always be his fault. His failure.

Get some support for your mental health and ask if someone can take him for a break. The early days are bloody rough but your child needs you. And you need him.

WarriorN · 27/01/2022 11:13

Lovely, I think you should get the insomnia/ tiredness checked out with the Gp.

It could even be a thyroid issue, they can go wobbly after birth sometimes causing exhaustion/ insomnia and mental health difficulties.

But postnatal anxiety/ depression can do the same.

ThanksThanks

TheWeeDonkey · 27/01/2022 11:21

Oh love, that's what health visitors are for. Please speak to someone, what you're feeling is perfectly normal and there is help out there for you.

Recovery from labour, exhaustion and the shock of being responsible for a little person is overwhelming so don't beat yourself up over it but do seek help 💐

LindaEllen · 27/01/2022 11:27

@Arghlife

Thank you everyone for your messages. I don't think I can talk to anyone irl about how I'm feeling or struggling at the moment, I would probably get more support but then I think that will push me even further towards feeling that he doesn't actually need me. I do love him, I know that, I just have alot of feelings right now that I shouldn't have had him or that I'm not giving him a good life. It's been an emotional few days so will try to speak to someone. Maybe it's just the tiredness
So long as he's clean, fed and cuddled, you're giving him a good life. That's ALL they need at that age. You'll get into a routine, and it's much much better when they start developing their own little personalities too. It's just relentless and unrewarding this early on. But you'll get there :).
AliceW89 · 27/01/2022 11:30

@Arghlife

Thank you everyone for your messages. I don't think I can talk to anyone irl about how I'm feeling or struggling at the moment, I would probably get more support but then I think that will push me even further towards feeling that he doesn't actually need me. I do love him, I know that, I just have alot of feelings right now that I shouldn't have had him or that I'm not giving him a good life. It's been an emotional few days so will try to speak to someone. Maybe it's just the tiredness
Having a baby is like a metaphorical bomb going off in your life. I for one did not enjoy or cope well in those early weeks at all and I’m not remotely ashamed of that - it is so incredibly hard. Newborns extract every single ounce out of you in a time when you are feeling at your most vulnerable. I definitely mentioned adoption and all sorts in those early weeks. I couldn’t get him to sleep or eat ‘properly’ (I’ve subsequently realised the rules around newborns are 90% useless) and I felt like such a failure.

I often think the Western idea of ‘Good support’ isn’t actually good support. Living in a multigenerational household with lots of people around to truly nourish and look after the mother and baby is good support. Having friends and relatives who pop over with food and take the baby out in the pushchair or give a bottle are lovely, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t really equate to good support. So don’t think you should be smashing this just because society tells you you should be.

It won’t feel like it right now, but your baby needs you more than anything. As they grow and develop and form attachment, you will become their world. With every little bit more you get back from them, it honestly becomes so much more rewarding. My DS is 20 months now and my heart aches when I think about how much I love him and need him. At 4 weeks old I definitely didn’t feel like this. It’s a marathon not a race, but it will get better x

AliceW89 · 27/01/2022 11:32

*marathon not a sprint

Still slightly sleep deprived I’m afraid Wink

ifchocolatewerrcelery · 27/01/2022 11:37

Another adoptive parent here. I love my kids to bits and they are amazing but nothing I ever do will ever take away the trauma that comes from not being able to live with their birth parents. Nothing prepares you for the reality of being a mum and I think every parent has days and weeks when getting to the end of the day with everyone alive, fed and in vaguely clean clothes is a win.

NotsoNeurotypical · 27/01/2022 11:50

If your 4 week old is safe, warm, clean and fed you're doing perfectly. That's all they need. Even if they are screaming blue murder, spitting milk and have just shit all up their back, they will be fine. That's babies for you 😊

WarriorN · 27/01/2022 12:19

@Arghlife this is the pandas website, you might want to talk to them?

pandasfoundation.org.uk/

0808 1961 776

Original poster
Arghlife · 27/01/2022 19:40

Thank you for all your messages, he's definitely looked after and loved. Thank you for the recommendation of pandas website, didn't know about it. Will talk to my doctor.

OP posts:
Sundayrain · 27/01/2022 19:50

It's such early days! It does feel as though they don't really know who you are at that age, but once they start smiling at you and interacting it'll all start to feel so different! Please please hang in there, this phase will pass!

WarriorN · 28/01/2022 07:56

Pandas are amazing. They really helped me with antenatal anxiety.

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