50/50 childcare split

[Miss84]

Me and my ex separated 4 years ago when my ex was 11 months. He has always had a relationship with his dad ( alternate weekends, 2 hols a year, shared christmases etc ) Our son started school in September so some of previous arrangement which have been in place for 4 years have been affected.
My ex now says he’s gone part time at work and wants our son every other week. He lives 40 mins each way from school whereas I live a 2 min walk away plus living with mummy is all my sons ever known.
I’ve now received a mediation letter through my letterbox. I’m scared as I know how much of a manipulative bully my ex is. Plus he’s already told me it WILL be happening. He sees mediation as a way to get what he wants.
Does anyone have any advice on past ( recent ) experience?
Thanks 😊

If he can get his son there and back safely from school, I don’t see why 50/50 isn’t possible.

My concern is how disruptive it would be for a 5 year old when it’s unnecessary. There’s ways of seeing him more without taking him aware from everything he knows.

Mediation is to discuss options, there's a range of options between 50/50 and every other weekend and it's possible to agree to an between solution and see how it works. Many children travel more than 40 mins each way to school. You need to agree to mediation otherwise it makes you look bad

Has your son never stayed overnight at his dad’s?
If he has then it’s hardly taking him away from everything he knows.
I understand you are feeling reluctant as now your ex’s circumstances have changed.

I’m reluctant because I don’t see it’s in my sons best interests. He has after school activities here and lots of friends he’s started seeing out of school. His dad won’t accommodate that especially the play dates with friends and their mums so he’ll lose out.
Yes he has stayed overnight there but he can’t remember ever living with his dad as he was so young when we split. It would be a massive change in his routine and life for no real end. He doesn’t even like going to his dads so would I imagine he very upsetting and unsettling for him.

What does every other weekend look like at the moment? Saturday morning to Sunday evening? In mediation you could suggest Friday pick up to Monday school drop off every other weekend plus half of holidays? It’s not 50/50 but it might be a significant increase. If school is 40 weeks per year (Adjust it this is wrong for where you live/your child’s school) that leaves 6 weeks of holiday each, so 42 nights + 60 nights from the every other weekend (friday, Saturday and Sunday so 3x 40/2). That’s 102 nights per year or a more or less 30/70 split. I’d start with that as an offer for negotiation and be willing to add all Wednesday nights - school pick up til school drop off. That would be 142 ish nights per year or a 40/60 split. I agree that twice daily 40 minute commutes on alternate weeks would be grueling. Having set days like that might suit your ex’s part time work schedule too.

All Wednesday school nights I mean

This way Monday, Tuesdays and Thursdays on school nights he’s always at yours so you can organize activities and playdates pretty easily.

I agree that a full week every other week is too much, but once a fortnight is too little. If I were you I’d offer a night or two every week on a school night. He’s already staying there for full weekends and he’s with his dad, so he’s hardly being ‘taken away from everything he knows’.

Go to mediation, keep an open mind but also put your sons best interests at the forefront. Can ex still accommodate after school activities, how will he accommodate drop off and collection from school when he's at work, 50/50 isn't a bad thing, try and take the emotion out of it. If your ex starts to bully you during mediation call him out on it. The mediator should speak to you both separately to start with so use this time to express that your ex does this and you'll need their help to keep that from happening and keep the conversation on track.

You don't have to agree to it, but if you don't go to mediation it will be noted if he takes you to court