"Mummy can you plaaaaay??"

[indiesearcher]

I hate myself for even writing this, I feel so guilty, but my 6yo DD is driving me nuts!

She is a happy, largely independent, little girl. We do lots together; baking, crafting, days out etc etc. Recently she's calling on me more and more often to 'play'.

Now, Barbie and dolls aren't my cup of tea at the best of times, but 'play' with DD broadly looks like this:

• I am assigned my characters - usually multiple.
• I am told their names, ages, and precisely what they can (but mostly cannot) do.
• the play is boring and repetitive- eg the dolls are having a sleepover but we never actually get to the sleepover because time is spent organising the rules of the game and or mindless 'do you like my pyjamas' nonsense.
• I'm not allowed to introduce new elements to the game or the planned storyline. So no room for a little ad hoc amusement even.

As you can decipher, I find it utterly soul destroying. However, more and more often it's all she wants to do with me!

DD has clearly picked up on my many excuses, and has moved on now to making me feel tremendously negligent for not playing enough. I've had a stinking cold all week and I've been told off this morning because I've only played once since Sunday. She whinges, sulks, and generally takes me on a massive guilt trip if the play I do doesn't last hours or I'm in the middle of something else.

I know I should cherish these times and they won't last forever eat but how do I manage this?? I actually can't stand it anymore!

I dread to think how her 'games' go down at school - so I'm keen to help support her to play more freely.

Any advice much appreciated.

Ha @squishmycherry - exactly!! I actually preferred it with DD when she was 2!

Don’t worry about how she plays in school - what you’ve described is entirely normal for her age and stage.

But she needs a child to play with. As an adult you’ve lost the knack (which is also entirely normal for your age and stage). You cannot give her what she needs and I can’t back this up but I have a strong hunch that the benefits of adults playing with dc are massively over stated.

It’s probably quite unsettling to be able to sense your reluctance. Better to have clear boundaries than give these confusing mixed messages imo

Put your energy into getting some play dates going and give yourself a break from the barbies.

My (just) 7 year old is exactly as you describe. She also refuses to play with the small world toys with anyone other than me (including other children) or by herself. I put a time limit on it too.

I agree - sooo boring! I set a timer on my phone and feel better knowing it is ticking down.

I hate this too! I always have to be the least favourite figure, and then whatever I do is wrong. That goes on for about 15 minutes, which is my limit of patience. I then get told that 'we didn't actually play'. That 'no-one plays with her' and that 'she wants a sister'. Gah!

I've explained to her that we don't 'play' because everything I do it wrong and that even if I had another baby now (I'm not), it would be too young to be a proper playmate. I will do anything rather than play with the dolls (not mad keen on crafts either to be fair - lack of imagination all round).

I try to give her two options instead so she can choose something else to do, games (I'm not allowed to win those, does anyone know how to reverse cheat at snakes and ladders) or baking, bike ride or painting, that sort of thing.

She's asking less lately, I think possibly because I keep calling her out on not letting me actually do anything!

Omg,I remember the role play like it was yesterday and how mentally draining it was.I used to have to play loads of different characters.Could never just sit and have my dinner without having to pretend to be the waitress,then a friend they've just bumped into and there was a whole dialogue I had to follow and deviating was never allowed, unless I wanted a serious telling off.I hated every minute of it and wished we could play a board game or do play doh or something less tedious.My eldest is now 15 and I'm lucky if I get a grunt out of her, not alone have her ask me to play(I beg her to come and play a game with me) so although this doesn't help you now and I feel your pain, it really doesn't last.I wish I had enjoyed it more when I had the chance.Unfortunately at the time you see no end to it (I know I didn't)I just hope my kids remember bits of it - I know I will.This doesn't really help you right now, just try to take as many breaks you possibly can to have a bit of space from it.I found constant loo breaks helped(although mine used to camp outside the door,oh the joys)Putting the dinner on was also a welcome break!!

@Allsorts1

I have such strong childhood memories of HATING when my mum would watch me play and having to do fake lame storylines like playing tennis while she was watching before I could get back to the juicy barbie ken proposals and kissing that I preferred 😂

Oh my god my child always wants to play in private with her Barbies Now I'm wondering if she's doing this 🤣🤣 Not that I'd care if she is really 🤣

Although hers are all female!

It's so boring. You have my sympathies, OP.

I remember getting away once with encouraging a large herd of cuddly toys to join in playing hospitals, then taking my place at the back of the queue patiently with a book until it was my turn to be bandaged

I am an adoptive mum and imaginative play has played a huge role in building the bonds of attachment with DS7. He came to us at 3 with a very limited vocab and no play skills whatsoever. We spent at least 90 minutes every day playing. Initially, that looked like me narrating while he bashed figures about and hurled them off table-tops, shouting "Down! Down!" Over time, his vocabulary improved. For ages it still felt as if we were playing alongside, rather than together - I would try and impose some sort of plot (Heaven forfend!) and he would just have everyone die/fall down/fight each other. And then gradually, he began to play WITH me, weaving his own ideas with mine. He's been with us 4 years now and he has a huge vocabulary, has overcome speech difficulties and has a vivid imagination. At various points I have felt bored to tears/wanted to lace my coffee with vodka but if you ask him what his favourite activity is, it's playing mini figures with Mum. It's so important to him that I do try and do it every day for at least 30 minutes, even now he's 7. I find focusing on that helps me stick with it. Also my characters have many humorous asides and a tendency to suddenly do something madcap which keeps the stories fresh and me amused!

My son is avoidant so sometimes he uses the characters as a way for him to voice his worries about school etc. which is another benefit - and if he does try to control how I play, I push back and tell him that play is a shared activity where everyone's ideas are welcome, and if he wants my involvement, he needs to allow me the freedom of artistic impression!

Now DS8, on the other hand, I really do struggle to play with. He has a (quite likely autistic) fascination with lining up toys and can merrily spend 20 minutes parallel parking one toy bus. He can't for the life of him see how others might find this a tad dull...

I feel your pain. I used to say no mummy doesn't like that game but do you want to do Duplo? They have time to play games like that with other kids who are interested and they also have to learn that not everyone wants to do the same thing as them. It's fine to say no

I never play with my kids. They have other children to play games like that with. I do other things with them.
Does she ever have friends round to play with?

Yes to all of this!

Sometimes when I feel like I've said no too often, I almost treat playing like a job, a job that I don't necessarily want to do but need to perform to the best of my ability for the next 20 minutes...

I take the opportunity to deconstruct gender stereotypes. So Barbie decides she doesn't want a sleepover because she has an exam the next day, she then becomes chief nuclear scientist of the country, but goes mad and hulks out, and we have to talk her down. I get bored I also don't go along with the whole "no you can't do that" which means she either goes with it or doesn't want to play.

Thanks everyone, for the sympathies - and for the lovely stories - you're absolutely right that it's an important part of development and I know I'll miss it one day so I'm trying to find ways to make it more tolerable!

She has regular play dates, once a week at least. Maybe time to schedule some more...!

DD1 loves to play Barbies. Luckily for whichever adult she’s pinned, it just means sitting there next to her with a Barbie in hand. I’m also lucky in that she usually targets her puppy dog eyes at my dad so play with her. Or my sister if she’s visiting.

I would try and nip the bossiness in the bud though. Her friends at school won’t appreciate or tolerate it for very long.

I just say 'No, mummy doesn't enjoy that, but we can do X instead?' Usually works. But if they look terribly disappointed, I might relent and agree to 5 mins. I hate role play with a passion. Don't remember doing it as a child, hated Drama at school and was so relieved when I could drop it in the 4th Year. Not my thing.

How your Dd is playing is totally normal and you finding it incredibly boring is totally normal!

Sometimes having Radio 4 or a podcast on in the background at the same time helps because part of my brain is being entertained by that and I can cope with the boring playing for longer.

I really don't miss this at all!
Excellent tips here though, the timer is key. I would play for a set amount of time and then either we had to do something else, or I had a job I needed to do. But for those 20/30 minutes I would be all-in. DD also liked rules but even if I say so myself I am great at playing 😄 so could always take it off track and introduce new subversive elements! It is a really good way to help your child learn to play more constructively and include others. Being bossed about and told what to do soon stopped play in my house..
I thank my lucky stars for my Mum in those years, she had mild dementia and endless patience and would obediently play as directed for hours on end.

God yes my DD5 is the same. She plays mostly with baby dolls so I have to be the doctor or the nursery worker or the mam, nothing I do is right and she tells me off constantly. I absolutely hate any sort of play, not just role playing. I hate play doh and building blocks anything really. I can just about tolerate colouring in. Luckily DH doesn't mind playing so she gets lots of time on a weekend with him. I do feel mean but I feel like I do everything else, organising days out, play dates etc that I draw the line at playing!

Why don't you just tell her that if she wants other people to join in her games then she needs to let them come up with some of the rules and make some of the decisions.

@indiesearcher

I hate myself for even writing this, I feel so guilty, but my 6yo DD is driving me nuts!

She is a happy, largely independent, little girl. We do lots together; baking, crafting, days out etc etc. Recently she's calling on me more and more often to 'play'.

Now, Barbie and dolls aren't my cup of tea at the best of times, but 'play' with DD broadly looks like this:

• I am assigned my characters - usually multiple.
• I am told their names, ages, and precisely what they can (but mostly cannot) do.
• the play is boring and repetitive- eg the dolls are having a sleepover but we never actually get to the sleepover because time is spent organising the rules of the game and or mindless 'do you like my pyjamas' nonsense.
• I'm not allowed to introduce new elements to the game or the planned storyline. So no room for a little ad hoc amusement even.

As you can decipher, I find it utterly soul destroying. However, more and more often it's all she wants to do with me!

DD has clearly picked up on my many excuses, and has moved on now to making me feel tremendously negligent for not playing enough. I've had a stinking cold all week and I've been told off this morning because I've only played once since Sunday. She whinges, sulks, and generally takes me on a massive guilt trip if the play I do doesn't last hours or I'm in the middle of something else.

I know I should cherish these times and they won't last forever eat but how do I manage this?? I actually can't stand it anymore!

I dread to think how her 'games' go down at school - so I'm keen to help support her to play more freely.

Any advice much appreciated.

Aww, I miss playing with these make believe games with my ds. He's 16 now but I have great memories of him being various marvel characters and people like Sportacus from Lazytown whilst assigning various roles to me, dh or his GPS. It was his favourite game for a few years and I loved it. He was very imaginative and has grown up yo be very creative.

This thread is really refreshing, I find playing with my son boring too and I expected people would say 'enjoy it while they're young' 'one day they won't want to play with you' 'why did you have children in the first place' .

I once read that 5 - 20 minutes play is enough so I set my timer on my phone for 15 mins (which goes very slowly lol).

Like you I do lots with DS - ,music classes, swimming, play groups, play dates, outings yet I still feel guilty that we don't do lots of floor play.