Cannot control my 2 year old

[Melrose86]

We have been struggling with my child's tantrums for well over a year now. But now he has started being violent with them. He gets upset about going to the childminders (though he loves it once he's there). When I try to get him ready to go he is hitting, screaming, kicking, fighting to get his shoes and jacket back off. It's also a nightmare getting him in his car seat. And his baby brother is usually screaming the place down all while this is going on as I need to put him down somewhere safe out the way in case his brother starts throwing things. He is so big for his age so I struggle carrying him to the car and getting him in the seat. How do people cope with these huge tantrums? I've tried so many things and it's getting me down as I try to be the best loving mum that I can while also being firm with him but I just don't know what we've done to have such a miserable, difficult child. I'm so worried for when he starts nursery as he will be even bigger then so I don't know how we will physically get him to go plus the incredibly loud screaming when all the other parents/children/staff are watching. I worked in a nursery and have never met a child who screamed so loud and fought his parents so much! Any advice would be hugely appreciated x

If this behaviour is solely occuring around the childminder pinch point I'd look at a different setting.

Have you tried giving him options etc make getting dressed a bit more fun see if that helps?

So offer him the choice between 2 coats. Or start getting ready a little earlier and say "do you want to get your coat on now or in 2 minutes?" If he says 2 minutes let him set a timer that he can see and check back on as this can help them feel in control.

Try making a game out of things like saying "who can put their coat on quickest?!" And put your coat on too and make it a game. Things like "time to go to the car, can you hop like a frog to the car?"

Make getting dressed silly, so grab a shoe and start putting it on his hands and saying "where does this shoe go? Oh silly mummy I can't remember! Can you show me where your shoe goes?"

These things might take longer but may stop the tantrums if you make it a fun process. Good luck op!

@T0rt0ise I don't think the childminder is the problem. He's being going there for over a year and used to run down the path and straight in without even looking back at me. New baby arrived in October and he was absolutely fine til after the Christmas break then these huge meltdowns started. Think he got used to us all being at home. He has regular tantrums, usually when we go a different place from where he wants or he gets so engrossed with whatever he is playing with he doesn't want to stop playing to go out.

@Jurassiclover thank you I will try these ideas. I feel whatever I say at the moment I just get a no screamed at me cos he knows where he is going

Ex Nursery Nurse here too and my kids have also been very tantrumy, looking after other people's kids has been way easier!!
I'd say age 2 is common for this to kick in, if not before from about 20 months for mine. It lessened slightly when my son could put his own belt on, sort out this own bag and coat etc. And I relaxed on using food in the car to diffuse these stressful moments or a car dvd player etc. As it's such a daily trigger I found it worth minimising this to take the pressure off and ease those transitions

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Hello, this sounds really tough for you. Do you think the tantrums have got a lot worse since his brother arrived? I have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old, my 2yo definitely went through a phase of a lot more tantrums in the months after his brother was born. It's a massive adjustment for them, they can't explain how they're feeling and so they show it through their behaviour. It will pass and get better. Agree with food in the car to help them get excited to get into their seat! I just try to empathize with him as much as I can for example, I understand you don't want to get into the car but it's time for us to go now. Also I really pick my battles to let them feel they have some control so for example if he takes off his coat you could just say - ok I see you don't want to wear that, let me know if you get cold and we'll put it back on. Do you get much one on one time with him? This could help. It's really tough especially with a baby too. Best of luck x

Thanks @Lolly2080. Think baby brother definitely is making it worse. I have started taking him swimming again without the baby but as I'm breastfeeding the world's hungriest baby I definitely don't give him as much attention as he needs at the moment. I will try snacks in the car x