How straight are you with your dc's about your and dp's relationship?

[Spink]

Just wondering, since ds started to show more of an interest and reaction to the conversations dh and I have..

My parents always completely hid any disagreements (about anything, not just child-bringing-up) from me and my bro. I thought they had the perfect relationship, til I got to my twenties. It was actually a real relief to find out they annoyed each other at times. DH reckons that I hate having arguments (they do upset me a disproportionate amount) because I didn't grow up seeing them as a 'normal' part of relationships.

My brother and his dw never kiss or cuddle in front of their dd, and now if she sees them being affectionate to eachother, she screams blue murder......

What do you think? What do you let your children see, what do you keep under wraps?

We don't hide much - we are very open in front of our children. When third parties really annoy us, we gossip in private as it would bore the children. But they tend to know what we think and feel about most things, and when we don't agree.

DD1 tells us off if we are "getting annoyed" with each other

She also sees us being affectionate, too... she is a cuddly little thing also

I think it's a good education in the range of emotions we experience as humans. If dp and I have had a blow-up in front of her (rarely, but has happened) I do try and take the time to explain that even Mummy and Daddy get cross with each other sometimes, that it's ok to feel cross, but you should try and talk about it after you've calmed down.

It does crank up the guilt-factor though, I must say

Spink your post could have been written by me. My parents never argued, or so I thought. I have come to realise that, while they are still together and "happy", they don't communicate deeply and are not comfortable with any display of emotion, particularly negative emotion.

My dh's family could not be more different - seeing them openly disagree took some getting used to by me.

I think it is a good lesson for my dcs to learn - they do see us "fall out", but they also see us resolve issues by talking. We try hard not to insult each other and make sure the dcs see us make up again. I think the alternative would be dodgy atmospheres and a lot of bitterness.

DD1 is only 6 but already I think she is far more perceptive to emotion than I was. Recently when dh and I were having words dd declared "I think everyone is feeling a bit frustrated", which I thought was a very accurate observation.

When I was growing up the most important thing was that everyone APPEARED to be getting along fine all the time. I know now that life is not like that and I don't want my dcs to feel stifled like I did (and still do when visiting mum & dad!)

forgot to say - surely showing each other affection in front of dcs is a great thing! We always do - usually they push in between to join in but don't seem jealous or anything. It's such a lovely thing for children to have parents in a loving relationship, so I think they need to see it sometimes!

My parents argued constantly and it was horrible to be around - we knew every little detail of their private lives and had no escape from the extreme feelings they had for eac other, so i would never scream, shout or argue for a long time in front of our dc....however
We are pretty honest and open and are just ourselves in front of them. If I have a problem with dh, need to moan or nag about something then I still do it. I guess we are lucky as we rarely fall out, and have never seriously fallen out over anything. Most of our disagreements and gripes descend into laughter, as we are both pretty laid back.
We do kiss and cuddle in front of them, and tickle, play fight etc. I think you need a balance, on the one hand kids should not have to witness constant screaming and arguing, but on the other hand it would be dishonest to make out everything is fine and rosy when it isn;t. Hope we are getting it right with ours !

My parents marriage was like a war zone and they did not hide it from us. Made for a pretty miserable and stressful childhood.

My dh and I disagree in front of ds but not in an aggressive way - if things get heated we tend to leave it and talk again privately later when calm. But I can't really cope with angry arguments anyway - a relic of my childhood, I guess.

I don't think kids witnessing some disagreement, even anger, is a problem but a little goes a long way iyswim.

We do show the kids some of our arguing however I do agree its part of a normal relationship and they tend not to be bothered by it..obviously more heated discussions are done away from them as they are still very young. However they do also see us having a kiss and a cuddle.

We bicker and have the odd heated argument in front of our son, but we try not to get too carried away with raised voices in front of him, and we both instinctively draw the line at anything too heated - no swearing, insults or anything like that (although we don't really have those sorts of arguments, anyway, to be fair). We are openly affectionate with each other in front of him- lots of kisses and cuddles, which DS likes to join in on! I think it's healthy for children to see what real relationships are like if those relationships are relatively happy - that people who love each other very much and are nice to each other most of the time do occasionally have bust ups, which can be resolved, and that on a daily basis, getting along with other people can be difficult, but is achievable with a bit of compromise. I have also given p on trying to present my best side to Ds all the time. I am a bit of a hothead and a stresshead, while DH is quite laidback (too laidback sometimes!). These are the people we are. Why hide it from DS by trying to be 'perfect' all the time?

I had the opposite situation from the OP - my parents fought terribly (sometimes physically) and I've also been left hating arguments as I worry they'll spiral out of control.

But I think it's important for children to see that you can have arguments/disagreements and still love one another. It's all about balance I suppose and making sure they are arguments rather than rows.

we're pretty open. my parents were open with us and they had a great marriage. we saw the arguments and the affection. all us kids (4) have got good, solid marriages.

it has been a relief to read all these messages - most people so far seem to go with a pretty open approach, which is my instinct really.

I know my parents totally believe that they (and we) should present a good 'face' to children. When I spoke to my mum about it recently, she said that she wanted us just to see the good stuff, until we were old enough to deal with the more difficult stuff. I did point out to her that actually, they didn't show me the real them til I was in my 20s, so, probably could've 'dealt with' stuff a little bit earlier...

I think my main worry is that dh and I go through phases when we are horrible bickerers. Usually we are fine, have arguments occasionally but always talk them through, and they don't tend to be bad anyway. When we're both very tired and stressed though, we are snipey and pokey with each other. while I'm fine with ds seeing a bit of that, it feels like him seeing all of it could be worrying & tiring for him