Knackered - want to use parental leave - for myself?

[N3WN8ME]

Like a lot of parents right now/probably always, I'm feeling exhausted. Last year's annual leave was almost all used up looking after sick children. I'm forced to take time off at certain times of the year but at times when little childcare is available. Which is OK because I want to spend time with DC. But I'm so shattered, chronically, now I am worried about my health, mental and physical. I had a chest cold last year and I'm still wheezing and coughing 5 months on. I'm not asthmatic or prone to chest infections, I think I'm just shattered and I can't bounce back without rest.
We have a one week family holiday booked for the early summer but that won't give me the time I think I need to recuperate. I work FT, DP is helpful and a partner in true sense of the word but I can't push all the responsibilities onto him when we are both working. I'm hoping to reduce my working hours to 4 days/week but that hasn't been an option since I returned from maternity leave during covid.
If I take AL, I'm worried that I won't have the holiday to take if the DC are getting sick again as they have been doing over the last 18 months. Tbh this is an area where I have been taking the brunt of the parenting as I have AL to take whereas partner is self employed and gets his rest between contracts but it doesn't work for him to not turn up to work when he has it. BUT we have discussed this does create an issue for me. But still I am not confident booking up chunks of AL given pattern of sickness last year, isolation periods, DP having covid etc.
Parental leave can be taken in week blocks. Its supposed to be to care for children.
Has anyone ever just agreed some parental leave, had the kids still going to school/nursery, and just taken the time for themselves?

Is paid parental leave a perk of your job?

If not then can’t you just ask for unpaid leave?

I’ve done this but it was when I took 3 months parental leave to cover some time between my twins finishing nursery and starting full time school. I was off July to end of September so the last few weeks was when the DC were at school.

I would do it in your position

It sounds like you have had a lot on your plate what with returning from mat leave during covid and having to deal with DC illness. I Have taken AL when I have felt like this - mostly because I think my work would query PL if they found out I had childcare the whole time. I am not sure from your post why you wouldn't take AL and then take PL when/if the DC do get ill, if that is what it is for?
It seems from what you have said that although he tries to be fair, when you look at the facts your DP does get more childfree downtime than you? This is another reason why it wouldn’t be unfair for you to take AL and work out how to deal with other issues between you if they come up later down the line? In the future, when he has a break between contracts, can you agree you will get a childfree weekend day or something that is refreshing for you also?

You sound like you are burning out. If you feel unwell (either physically or mentally) you should take sick leave and speak to your GP.

Check your employer’s policies to see if you can take parental leave when the kids are unwell instead of annual leave.

Your DH should pick up more of the childcare slack. Just because he is SE it doesn’t mean he stops being a parent.

After my maternity leave, I took a week unpaid leave and just chilled out while my son was in childcare. It was worth the financial hit.

I agree with @lostthetastefordahlias - use your annual leave to look after yourself. I've done it before - often take one day off just to be at home by myself, or late last year to a whole (3 day) working week while son went to childcare. It was bliss. If you need to, then claim emergency parental leave when your children are sick. It's what it's there for.

You can't pour from an empty cup xx

I've done this. Work didn't query it, they weren't hugely interested in my reasons for taking it to be honest, even though I know parental leave is meant to be used for specific situations. So it depends on your employer.

Personally I find juggling work with childcare and never getting a day off to myself one of the hardest parts of being a parent, so I get it!

I don’t understand why you can’t take holiday for your relaxing time and the parental leave if and when you need it in the future. It seems a bit cake and eat it to take the parental leave for relaxing so you can save your holiday just in case you might need it as parental leave, but might not so still get to take it as holiday.

I don’t understand why you can’t take holiday for your relaxing time and the parental leave if and when you need it in the future.

Parental leave can't be taken at short notice as and when you need it though. It has to be taken in week long blocks and booked in advance.

Thanks for all your replies. Some really helpful thoughts and ideas here. Yes, just to clarify I mean statutory unpaid parental leave, which is supposed to be booked in blocks rather than ad hoc days except if employer agrees otherwise. So it seemed easier to book a block of days for me and have the AL available if things follow the same pattern as last year. But clearly that's not what parental leave is really designed for. I might just have to speak with my employers and hope they're feeling reasonable about me being able to take additional time off if I need it. (Strangely when I read about emergency parental leave on gov.uk, it doesn't mention caring for a sick child. It mentions caring for an injured dependent?)
A lot of my r&r plans got completely "covided", interwoven with a range of different family and professional circumstances over the last 2 years, so the simplest thing is probably just to book the AL for me now and deal with whatever follows, hopefully with a "fuller cup".

I see no reason not to take it, surely your company won't need a break down of what you're doing during it. My husband gets 7 weeks paid parents leave from his company and he wouldn't dream of not getting it, he's basically using it as extra annual leave.

Sounds like you need sick leave TBH, I would be speaking to the GP and hopefully getting 2 weeks. If GP not supportive then sign yourself off sick for 5 days.

I'd spend 1/2 the time chilling and 1/2 the time planning how I was going to make it work long term. You'll burn out again if you don't make changes, you can't power through forever.

Does your workplace have a scheme to buy more AL so you've more flexibility next leave year? Plan to build up some TOIL? More/different childcare? WHF options while kids are sick?

Lastly and crucially, kids dad stepping up?! Being signed off sick by GP might help him see how damaging this unfair division of labour is for you. Even if he can't step away from work completely can he finish early to allow you to take just 1/2 a days leave or have kids so you pick up lost hours on the weekend etc. There has to be a way to make it work so he can do his share, you need to find it together.

Thanks. I just need to try to get over the current, immediate condition I'm in. It has just built up gradually.
I need to be fair about DP. We have an unequal division of childcare but we do have an equal division across the board domestically, with him picking more of the work in a lot of other areas. E.g. I'm still breastfeeding and he tries to make that possible but physically I am knackered in a way he just never is. He has sometimes complained that he is doing more than me but that's a very debatable topic! We're not perfect. He reduced hours to do childcare for a year when I returned from maternity because I couldn't in my small company. Eventually he said he couldn't sustain that and went back to work. Then later he was out of work between contracts for 10 weeks and covid made him very nervous about his business so for the household as a whole, the person with the AL stepped up so he could make hay while the sun shined. But he agrees and can see that it's not fair for me always to take the hit on childcare. He wants me to reduce my hours for my own sake and that's something I need to try to get my company to see the business case for. I'm hoping to have done that within the year.
Thank you everyone so much for helping me to think this through. I've talked to DP, I'm going to talk to work and get at least one full week off soon (It's been years since I've had time for myself.) I'll make DP share the sickness covers and unexpected upsets (hoping he doesn't get covid again.) And I'm going to try to reduce my hours in the longer term.