Not coping with 4mo

[Blodwyn831]

This is my first post although I've been lurking since pregnancy. I'm a ftm with a 4mo and today I'm struggling more than usual so I'm just looking for a bit of support I suppose. DS is being more tricky than usual the past few days and started screeching all day long and refusing naps for me, will only nap for DH which feels really sad. I gave up breastfeeding a month ago because of PNA and I'm worried DS doesn't see me as his mother any more, seems to want his dad more. I'm also just finding the life change of having a baby, the relentlessnsss and permanence of it all a bit depressing tbh. I regret that we had a child but then feel so guilty for feeling like that because DS deserves a better mother. I love him dearly but sometimes feel like I can't cope.

Sending huge hugs. 4 months can be a really tricky time with sleep regression and babies becoming quite fussy for a bit.
What help and treatment are you having for your PNA?
Are you able to have any time for you at all? Even a bath while DH drives baby about for half an hour. Or a walk? Just some space and time for you so you can have a bit of a refresh from the relentlessness of it all?

Your little one 100% knows you are mum, they grew inside you and you are the most familiar person to them by far.

What do you do for naps? Would he nap in a sling for you? Xx

I also have a 4 month old. Second baby but I remember how brutal it was first time around.

It's likely your little one is going through a sleep regression. It'll pass! Also, I find the Wonder Weeks app helpful and reassuring.

Baby definitely knows you're mama. I promise! 💕

It’s such a hard age! They are just starting to become wee people and making their displeasure known (I have one who went through a screeching stage around then, it’s so tough!). There is also a 4 month sleep regression which for many babies can mean all of a sudden they don’t nap and wake up loads through the night. It’s really hard but totally normal. Don’t beat yourself up, I’m sure you’re doing a great job. I think 4-5 months is one of the hardest ages, as they are more aware of things but still can’t do much, so get bored and frustrated quite easily. It gets better around 6 months when they can get started on food and maybe begin to sit up. With both my children i felt overwhelmed with the relentlessness but definitely felt it got a bit easier from then - still relentless but a bit more enjoyable too

Ps your baby DEFINITELY still sees you as his mum, giving up breastfeeding will have zero impact on that so please don’t feel guilty about that at all

Thank you all so much for replying with lovely messages which have actually just made me cry because there are such lovely strangers out there. I'm using wonder weeks although I know there's lots of scepticism out there about it. DS was meant to be out of leap 4 today and I had great hopes that things might improve but it's worse than ever so maybe the sceptics are right :/
I've told DH tonight that I'm not coping and he's going to give me some time tomorrow I'm not great at asking for help until I hit the bottom sometimes but I think sometimes just getting it off your chest really helps and I'm already feeling better. Thanks lucky ladles xx

*Lovely ladies

Hi lovely! I'm sending you a virtual hug! I had a tricky time around that time with sleep and was exhausted mentally as my DS would cry non stop between the hours of 8pm-11pm and wouldn't settle for either of us!

A friend recommend the huckleberry app (30 day free trial) which tells you your baby's "sweet spot" (best time to nap, bedtime). I was sceptical as I had promised myself I wouldn't use apps, but oh my goodness it worked wonders!

I made sure i stuck to the times the app suggested my baby should nap/bedtime (due to his age) and like a miracle he'd fall asleep.

Now I want to stress that this may not work for all babies but it did for mine so maybe it might for your baby?

After the 30 day trial ran out, I decided to work out the times myself instead of paying for the app. You then get emails to tell you how long wake windows should be as your baby gets older.

I'm finding sleep so much better now and he now sleeps a full sleep at night time with the occasional wake up once in the early hours and is a much happier/calmer baby for the both of us.

He has two little teeth so is teething that's now our next challenge though 🤣 but luckily not affecting his sleep (only every now and then)

And this is my opinion on leap apps I refused to use them as I was getting so stressed wondering why my baby wasn't linking to the leaps etc.. I know some parents swear by it but if it's going to affect you mentally and make you worry why your baby hasn't changed a corner on this exact date or whatever then I'd get rid!

Lots of love xx

May I add (because you know my last post wasn't long enough 😆🙈)

I realised after using that app I was keeping my 3/4mo awake for far too long and allowing him to nap for far too long so when it came to bedtime he was either over tired or full of energy!

So the app helped control his sleep and wake windows so he'd be a much happier baby at bedtime! His bedtime to begin with were like 11pm/midnight and I knew something wasn't right! And now he's asleep by 7-8!

Thank you @lukiebebe, I've downloaded it this morning. Xxx

Hi, I second the huckleberry app and I actually pay for it as I am too tired to calculate the windows I find it’s very accurate about when is best to get my baby to sleep, he also sleeps a lot better at night as he is getting more regular naps. I don’t think it’s the ultimate fix but it will definitely help if your baby is overtired!

Op do let me know how you get on with it! I noticed a difference in one week I pray you'll feel the same! 🙏🙏🙏

@Brunonononooo awesome 🥰
I would pay for it but I am skint 🤣

4/5 months is one of the trickiest times with babies, you’re deep into sleep deprivation and knackered. The baby starts to wake up more and in my experience suddenly becomes more frustrated with the constraints of their own body and does a lot of lying there screeching while you fruitlessly dangle different toys over their head. It will get better, I promise. I definitely wondered what the hell we had done at 4 months, I remember at 3am after pacing the bedroom for hours telling my DH we were never having another! Know that this is a season you need to get through, and do whatever will help. You need a bit of time to yourself to feel like you again, wether that’s just a walk and a coffee or a drink with a friend. My DS is 16 months now and that’s still very tiring but he’s my world, the bigger they get the more they give back, a 4 month old can appear very ungrateful! And with regards to giving up breastfeeding, you did an amazing thing doing it for 3 months, you should be proud of yourself, your baby definitely still sees you as his mum.
Finally, the perinatal team were wonderful with me (I had ptsd prior to pregnancy so had their support from the beginning) so if you need extra support do reach out xxx

@Poppy709 thank you 😊 Yes you're right, he's definitely frustrated at the moment and wanting whatever isn't within reach, and when I move it within reach he doesn't want it any more and wants something else he can't reach. It's a fun game It's so good to hear that things will get better and that others have gone through similar. I'm feeling more positive today after 3 hours to myself and actually managed to get out and go climbing. If I can do something like that once a week hopefully it can keep me going in the hard times. Xxx

Sending huge hugs OP, because I’ve been where you are now. Months 4-6 with my DD nearly killed me - it was such a difficult time, and I was ashamed to often end up thinking “what have we done”. Back then I hated when people said it would get better, that it was just a phase - it felt like an unhelpful cliche that tried to devalue what I was feeling - but those people really were bloody right, because from six months onwards things really did get so much easier, and now at 10 months I could not be happier and my DD is an absolute delight. I can’t say for sure exactly when things will improve for you, but I absolutely promise you things will get better for you in time. But I know it’s so hard to see any light in the future when each day is such a grinding slog - you are 100% right about the relentlessness of it - it can be soul destroying. I’m glad your DH is offering to do more - you have to keep asking for breaks because you shouldn’t have to shoulder all this on your own. I would also repeat what others have said about nailing the wake windows (you don’t need huckleberry for this, but if you’ve downloaded it, then great). Work out those windows and your LO will start to benefit from routine and more daytime sleep, which should at least make life a bit calmer for you both. And please don’t ever think he doesn’t know your his mum - trust me, you are his sun, his moon, and his stars. You are his everything, and you are doing amazingly

Sending you a huge hug as this was me 3 years ago with my DS who is now 3. I remember thinking multiple times in the first 6 months wtf have we done?! I found months 4-6 brutal but it did get better (especially once the weather gets better and it is easier to go out).

The huckleberry app helped me so much in terms of wake windows.

Your baby definitely knows you are his mum. Breastfeeding has nothing to do with that at all. It might seem like he’s more at ease with his dad but trust me that’s the PNA talking. Also, if he is at ease with dad that’s brilliant! It means you can get some you time and go out without having to worry. Your baby will no doubt miss you!

I had my second baby 6 months ago and I remember how frazzled and anxious I was with my DS first time round and I wish I could give past me a hug and tell myself not to worry about it and it will all work out and there is so much fun stuff ahead. I mean, it’s still bloody hard but it’s also wonderful too. I’m still frazzled second time round but I’m not as anxious this time.

Back to you…can you go do something for yourself for half a day, or a full day, just to recharge your batteries? It will do you so much good.

I hope you are getting all the support you need for your PNA

Ah saw you went climbing today! Well done!

I also used the huckleberry app and found it very helpful! My DD started teething around this age, I remember one night she spoke up almost ever half hour, my husband let me have a few hours lie in the woke me up for reveal she'd got 2 bottom teeth!