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Original poster

Worried about relationship after having baby

22 replies

thewallisblue · 22/01/2022 06:55

I’m so worried about mine and my husband’s relationship since we had our first baby 9 months ago. We were together about 10 years before having her and always had such a good relationship previously, hardly ever arguing and always respectful of each other.

Now it seems we argue every day over the littlest thing. I’m constantly irritated with him. He’s generally helpful some of the time, but things about him that didn’t annoy me before (his tendency not to plan or be organised) now do - a lot. I carry 90% of the mental load and I’m struggling.

We don’t have any family nearby which doesn’t help, and my baby is low sleep needs so doesn’t go to bed til 9.30pm.

Is this normal? Does it get any better?

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 22/01/2022 07:01

Probably not. You’ve changed to become the parent but it sounds like he hasn’t.
Baby will probably go to bed earlier as they grow - does the little one go to nursery as this often tires them out ?
I suppose you need to be more specific for us. As an example, are you too picky when he doesn’t do things your way, so maybe you need to lower your expectations?
But maybe you’ve just naturally outgrown each other, and it would have ended anyway.
My advice, if it’s the end, is to not stay for the sake of the child. You deserve to live your life for you.

Original poster

thewallisblue · 22/01/2022 07:33

I don’t think it’s bad enough to throw in the towel just yet. I think I’m looking for reassurance that this is normal and that it gets better?

Ok as an example, he’s not at all interested in talking about house stuff, renovations etc. However we desperately need to replace our floors, especially now that the baby is crawling. I try to talk to him about it but he doesn’t engage. He says he’s too preoccupied with work. I’m aware this is a silly thing to argue over, but it’s this sort of thing all the time.

He does help out around the house - he walks the dog and takes the baby for an hour in the morning so I can catch up on some sleep. He’s a nice man.

I just seem to have no patience with him anymore.

LO isn’t at nursery yet, starts in a couple of months.

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 22/01/2022 07:38

No one can see into the future for you, but it does sound like you’re on different paths. He obviously doesn’t want to do the house renovations, so you either organise it yourself or it doesn’t get done. I know, I’ve got one who does want to do stuff either.
What happens if you have another child, it won’t get easier and he won’t change.
My kids are all grown up now and I’ll say one thing, they don’t change.
Best of luck to you.

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bonetiredwithtwins · 22/01/2022 07:41

Yes it's normal

I've never hated my husband more than in the first 12 months of a having a new baby (babies) 😂

Are you on maternity leave? It can also be incredibly difficult/stressful for him if he's carrying the family financially during this time and I do find new mums seem to lose sight of that massively

Forfamily123 · 22/01/2022 07:42

Yes it’s fairly normal and it can easily get better but rarely without you both working on it. I suggest you both try reading the book how not to hate your husband after kids.

Kbyodjs · 22/01/2022 07:56

In my experience it’s completely normal and was the same for all my friends - sleep deprivation and lack of time to yourself naturally makes you both irritable and your life has completely changed and it can feel like his hasn’t so much.
For the first year it sometimes felt like we were just clinging on but it got better (in some ways going back to work helped) and when we had our second child we had the odd sleep deprived argument but actually our relationship had developed so it wasn’t effected in the same way as with our first.
How would you have dealt with him not wanting to engage about house renovations before if he hasn’t changed?

Alitlebitsleepy · 22/01/2022 07:56

I think this is so normal. I'm in a similar situation to you actually. My LO is 17 months and I've been with my dh for 10 years. Prior to having our baby, we didn't argue much at all! Since having our daughter, we've had more issues in the first year of her life than all the years previously.

Your relationship is 'easy' before having kids. You can devote as much or your free time to each other as you like and you each have more time to yourselves individually too. Now you have this small human, you don't have those freedoms. The way you relate to each other can become quite 'business like'. It's all about organising your time around LO and all the jobs that involves. Throw in some sleep deprivation and that naturally leads to confrontations. When you're worn out your brain will look for things your partner is doing 'wrong' so it's easy to get irritated by things that wouldn't have bothered you before.

I'd allow yourself some time. The first year in particular is very intense. You mentioned your LO is going to nursery soon. This may well give you all the breather you need to connect again.

I think the one thing that I really wasn't anticipating was the change having a baby would make to my relationship. Hang in there x

Fleur405 · 22/01/2022 08:01

I’d say it’s normal. My partner and I have a great relationship and before we had a baby we never really argued and were always respectful of each other. Post baby we did sometimes argue and snap at each other. It’s just the stress and the tiredness. I wouldn’t say we had the same issue in terms of him not pulling his weight but we were both used to being very independent did need to learn to communicate better/differently especially when one of us needed some ‘’me time”

Fleur405 · 22/01/2022 08:01

Sorry not not pulling his weight but not engaging with you re things needing done.

Original poster

thewallisblue · 22/01/2022 08:09

Thanks all, that’s really reassuring. I love the sound of that book - totally going to read that! (on my kindle so he won’t see haha).

Yes, sleep deprivation isn’t helping.

OP posts:

Forfamily123 · 22/01/2022 09:00

@thewallisblue

Thanks all, that’s really reassuring. I love the sound of that book - totally going to read that! (on my kindle so he won’t see haha).

Yes, sleep deprivation isn’t helping.

You really both need to read the book because it’s about behaviour changes you may both need to me. I found parts of it uncomfortable (the bits if my behaviour which I need to change).

NowEvenBetter · 22/01/2022 10:59

’He does help out around the house - he walks the dog and takes the baby for an hour in the morning so I can catch up on some sleep.’
What? Is that it? Pitching in 50% is not ‘helping’, it’s just parenting and bare minimum functioning adult responsibilities. Is that really all he does? One hour of parenting a day?
Well, it’s well known that having a kid is the worst thing you can do to a relationship, you asked if this will change, what steps is he taking to improve himself? Let me guess….

Original poster

thewallisblue · 22/01/2022 11:50

@NowEvenBetter thanks. Just wondering how other couples divide things? So for example he works from home til 6pm. Then takes baby while I do do dinner. We all walk the dog. One baths the baby while the other walks the dog. We watch a bit of TV and then it’s bedtime. I don’t know how to articulate what more he could do (especially during the working week). Would love to get ideas about how to better divide time.

OP posts:

bonetiredwithtwins · 22/01/2022 12:51

@thewallisblue

Are you on maternity leave? If so I think what he does is fair - does he break from WFH to see you both at lunch? Who loads/unloads dishwasher etc and wipes down surfaces - the little daily jobs?

tothemoonandbackbuses · 22/01/2022 13:00

I sent mine the link to you should have asked and the penny dropped. It wasn’t an over night change. I don’t take all the work on my self now I say you need to do this.

Original poster

thewallisblue · 22/01/2022 13:10

I mainly do all the stuff around the house during the day. He doesn’t see us at lunch, but will occasionally take an hour to come for a midday walk with us.

I think it’s the mental load I struggle with - I always plan the food for all of us etc.

I’m back to work in a few months, it’ll be interesting to see how things go then.

OP posts:

Forfamily123 · 22/01/2022 13:13

You need to sit down with him before before you return to work and write a list of daily, weekly, monthly and occasional jobs (incl thing like baby’s dental appointments and buying new clothes) and divide them equally between you.

Avarua · 22/01/2022 13:26

Yes this is normal! Ask him to consider cutting back his work hours so he's home a bit earlier. It's normal for work to have to 'give' for a bit when there's a baby on the scene. Often women implicitly understand this need for flex andact accordingly but men need it pointed out to them. Any boss that has an issue with a small amount of flexibility to accommodate a new baby is a shit boss and ought to lose valuable staff elsewhere to better employers.

Re: the house floors. Clearly that isn't something that interests him. Why did you expect that it would be? Isn't it a bit sexist to assume he'd sort it? Maybe you should organise the floors as you have the vision and aptitude for it.
Not having a go. But in a marriage you both have to play to your strengths.

bonetiredwithtwins · 22/01/2022 13:26

Sit down with him on a Sunday and agree a meal plan for the week - that way you don't feel like it's you coming up with ideas all of the time. If he wants to try a new recipe or something then he cooks it - that's what we do and saves me just staring at the shelves in the supermarket hoping for divine inspiration

General "life admin" (hate that phrase) - it takes 2 mins to book a vet appointment or dentist - doesn't need rigidly splitting into his/hers jobs to make some kind of point. Hair whoever is best placed to do it that day
Get a family planner for the wall

bonetiredwithtwins · 22/01/2022 13:31

If his work hours are fixed and he's not doing over time then there isn't anything to cut back

But agree about the floors - if you want it doing why is it solely his job - presumably while the baby is napping you could look up tradesman or visit a carpet shop and get samples?

As women we want it both ways - we want a father just as engaged in parenting and housework as we are but then lots of women refuse to engage in traditional male jobs like the garden and DIY.

confuseddotcom1234 · 22/01/2022 13:52

I think it's fairly standard. Sleep deprivation makes us less patient and more snappy. Also you are home all the time so think about what needs to be done etc where as they are at work and so have other things on there mind. I wouldn't worry too much.

Aria2015 · 22/01/2022 14:06

I had a similar experience. Together about 10 years too before we had children. Having kids introduces a whole new load of responsibilities that you didn't previously have. For us, it almost immediately unbalanced us. Where we had previously been around 50/50 for everything, suddenly we weren't. Also, before kids, either of us could do as we liked eg go out and do a hobby, have a lie in etc... after having a baby, those things became problematic because if one of you is out at a hobby, that means the other is stuck with the responsibility of looking after the baby etc... Resentments built up pretty quick and we were going round in circles having the same arguments again and again (where we had previously almost never argued). The good news is, that things did get better for us, but we did have to basically renegotiate how we lived our day-to-day life so that we were both happy and felt like the load was being shared more evenly. This involved some bending from both of us. There's an element of trial and error too. It took a while, but we found a new normal and got back to being happy again. When we had baby number 2 a few years later, things were so much better. We both understood that we needed to do another reshuffle of things to manage having two kids and we both put the effort in to make it work.

My advice is to communicate lots, try and talk when you're calm, don't try and hash things out when one or both of you are feeling upset or annoyed. Write stuff down, try new ways of doing stuff and then follow up with each other and check in to see if these new ways work better, or if you need to try something else etc... Hope things get better for you both soon! It's hard but it can be done and you're not alone in your struggle.

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