Struggling with bedtime routine

[ManOutnumbered]

I’m really struggling with our kids bedtimes and sleeping arrangements. It’s stressful for all concerned and my two daughters aged 7 and 3 don’t sleep well.

For starters they always want mum to put them to bed so literally every day I deal with moody children upset they dad has to put one of them to bed. They ask every day “who’s putting me to bed?” And get upset when it’s my turn. It’s heartbreaking to hear that everyday but they’re too young to understand that.

My wife is the softy in the family. Personally I think she’s prone to taking the easy way out far too often. In understand the softly softly approach can work for some situations but it can also cause other situations to get worse by not dealing with the problem head on. So I’m seen as the tough parent hence the kids always picking mum over me. I could give in and go against my core values as a parent and a person but I would feel I’ve failed. Also if I stand my ground the kids gravitate to mum so I’ve failed again. It’s a lose lose situation for me.

And with regards to sleeping. We have been co sleeping for months. In fact at least a year. My wife sleeping in the kids double bed with my 3 year old while my 7 year old is in the parents bed. It’s not good for us parents or for the kids but try as we might we just can’t escape. Our 3 year old won’t sleep through the night yet because she wakes up to check mum is there. We tried changing back to our own beds but it was just 2 weeks of hell. Nobody getting any sleep as she was up 8 times into night and crying hysterically.

So we are stuck with a stressful bedtime routine and me cosleeping with a 3 year old.

My wife has told me to seek a way out not this but there’s nothing online about this kind of situation. It’s always about getting toddlers in to their own rooms. We really want the two girls sharing a room hence the double bed they have.

They often wake up multiple times before we go to bed too so our evenings are often interrupted and involve yet more time putting them back to bed. As it is we don’t even let them out themselves to bed because they just cry if we leave the room before they’re sleep. Even the 7 year old does this.

If you have any advice on how we can find a way out of this situation I’d be very grateful.

Thank you for reading and any support.

No practical advice as my son is younger than both of your children but I love Lyndsey Hookway’s book for babies/toddlers and she also has one called ‘still awake’ which says on cover that it’s for toddlers to tweens. She is very kind and responsive in her approach so it may suit your wife’s style.

I’m also sure your wife is not ‘taking the easy way out’. Sleep deprivation can make it very difficult to have the energy to make change. Changing is hard but carrying on is hard - both options are hard.

It also must be really difficult for the children to prefer your wife doing bedtime but as far as I know, this is very common. In her book for younger children Lyndsey has a step by step approach to try and help with this.

Sleep challenges are really hard on a family, make sure you and your wife are supporting each other and working as a team as it will make such a difference - I know this can be hard with different parenting styles.

Hope you both manage to make your sleep situation a bit more sustainable.

Address one aspect at a time.

For me, reading your post quickly, find one thing.
So, your daughters always want mummy - address this through a visual timetable.
Photo of each of you, a week of bedtimes planned out. "Today it's my turn, tomorrow it is mummy" and show them.
The planned and visual gives children security and routine. Get this in place, working through even if there is a fuss, before addressing another change.