Don't know what to say to toddler

[Mamabear04]

So for the past couple of weeks whenever I tell me toddler off for something she will not listen to me when I tell her why she is getting a row, she will just say over and over until I respond, "mummy's happy?" I have just been saying things like "mummy is not happy because DC won't do what mummy says" or "mummy isn't happy because DC took her hat and gloves off and it's very cold outside" etc but I don't understand why she's doing this. Does anyone elses toddler do this? It's almost like she's trying to brush over that she's not behaving well. Should I be saying things like "mummy's upset" ? I don't really want to say I'm angry because I try to never show my anger and to be honest I'm not quite sure what she's trying to get at....any ideas whats going on?

I don't think making it about your feelings is helpful, though I understand why you do it.

If she is doing things which are dangerous or cause problems explain the consequence.

Your daughter should not be choosing her behaviour based on your emotions. She isn't responsible for your emotions.

You should be educating her to thi k through cause and effect and why certain things aren't a good idea.

Shes saying it because she wants to please you.

Why not just keep the instructions simple. Less of the mummy this and mummy that. Be more direct. Eg. Stop. Dangerous. No. We don't touch X because it can hurt you etc I think you're using too many words and trying to explain in too much detail. She's only a toddler. Don't over think it.
She's copying your use of how mummy's feeling to deflect from what she's doing. She doesn't like that you're not happy. That's why you need to give direct communications.

How old is she? I think it's unfair to say you're not happy, as PP said she's not responsible for how you feel but for some reason she seems to think she is. She's trying to please you and can't understand why not wearing her gloves/hat would displease you. It's not your hands/head that'll be cold, it's hers. So maybe let her keep them off, then when she's cold she'll understand why it's better to keep them on!

I think you need to simplify and clarify your language a lot - you want her to wear a hat because it's cold, not because it makes you happy or upset. Also it's much more natural to refer to yourself as "I" rather than mummy, as in "I would like you to..." , rather than "mummy would like you to..." , "this makes me feel..." rather than " this makes mummy feel... ". It sort of makes the communication between the two of you rather than including a third party, if that makes sense?

Agree with PP. If its not dangerpus etc, let her do it. Yes her head and hands will be cold if she doesnt wear her hat and gloves, but she'll soon realise that. Gives her a tiny bit of independance too.

Pick your battles.
Don’t say you’re upset. Be simple and concise.

Bringing emotions into it will build a sense of fear that she can’t make you happy. She’s too young to understand that.

Don't make a tiny child responsible for your emotions.

Not sure if the OP has met with a health visitor recently as this is exactly what they tell you to do… e.g doing x makes mummy sad
Sorry nothing to add, wish my bloody toddler would listen to me

Ahhh, my 3 year old does this constantly! "Are you happy mummy?" When she's just scribbled on her sister's drawing that I told her not to touch so she knows damn well I'm not happy! I also find it confusing and irritating as fuck but I'm currently just going with "I'll be happier when you do as I ask" which occasionally now gets a "sorry, Mummy" (although not sounding altogether sorry...)

Keep explanations short and sweet or they zone out imo.

So my DD is 2.2yo. I honestly don't make it about my emotions or how I feel and this is why I'm posting this because literally I will be explaining to her "it's cold, you need to wear a hat" and if it escalates, I will just repeat it sometimes with "if DD doesn't wear her hat we will need to go home" (if it's really bad weather) and she will start crying and stop listening then repeatedly say "mummy's happy?" And won't stop! I don't want my LO to feel like she needs to please me and that's why I'm posting because I want it to stop and I don't want her to think like this. But how am I supposed to stop it when she will repeat the same thing "mummy's happy?" Over and over until I respond to what she's saying? Because if I dont respond the situation gets worse and it leads to full blown tantrum. It's worth saying that I do say things like "mummy's always happy when I'm with DD but DD needs to do xx." I honestly am not emotionally manipulative with her so I don't know why she has started saying this! It's quite upsetting actually!

Hi OP is there anything else going on in your life that might be causing her anxiety? Has she seen you upset or crying at all?

Otherwise I think, yes, don’t fear the tantrum and just not negotiate.

Hat goes on very last thing before leaving the house, if she doesn’t like it. So she doesn’t have time to think. I’d make sure you are wearing one too. Maybe even get her to put yours on when you pop hers on. Gloves could be the attachable ones so she can’t really lose them anyway. Then it’s “Time to go!” Make it fast enough so she doesn’t have time to think about it.

And I’d probably avoid the “Mummy’s always happy when I’m with you” line because it’s a lie.

What about “Yay I’m happy because it’s a frosty day and I’m going to stomp on the grass!” Or “Yay because I want to buy sweets at the shop!” Or something to take away the link between her and your emotional state, which is what she seems anxious about.

Thanks @thosefestivelights those are really helpful suggestions. I have been a bit upset the past few weeks as my close friend has been diagnosed with cancer but I've not cried in front of DD and been trying to not let her see I'm upset but of course she will have noticed. She did start doing this before I found out about my friend so don't think it's related. I will definitely try disassociating DD actions from my emotions - that's a great idea. I always wear my hat when we're out and about and she has been fine up until a couple of weeks ago but it's just so frustrating! Mainly because we like to go for long walks as a family and if DD is taking her gloves/hat off and gets cold it might be very serious. If I let her leave leave off she will ask for them on eventually but it's usually when she's got too cold and then gets very upset. I just don't want her to be uncomfortable when we're out in cold weather but it's very difficult because she doesn't understand!

"Wear hat like mummy"
"Yes I am happy, now put your hat on to keep warm
Don't read so much into it
She s caught on the word
But does she really know what it means?

If you in UK frostbite is unlikely?

@Embracelife yes she definitely knows the meaning of happy, sad etc. Thanks for the extra phrases to use! And yes it is possible when you are up a mountain in the Scottish Highlands! It can be very dangerous to get cold!

My daughter asks me this a lot too. Try the book “How to talk so listen kids will listen” - a lot of the advice in there has been really effective for my little one, and also adjusted my expectations re her behaviour.