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Parenting

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Original poster

Grrrr...my mum told me today that I don't say 'no' enough to my 17mo DS!

22 replies

ceebee74 · 27/12/2007 20:55

Apparently we are not strict enough with him and he doesn't understand the word no because we don't say it to him!

Basically, we have chosen to only say no to him if he is doing something dangerous or something that we REALLY don't want him to do...and as our house is fairly child-friendly, there is no reason to say it very often. And on the occasions we do, he laughs and carries on so we use distraction rather than no as it works so much better.

Anyway, was at my sister's house today and he was pulling baubles of the tree (as he does at ours - but surely that is normal behaviour for a 17 month old??) and my sister and my mum both said 'no' to him and he just ignored them.

Am I making a huge mistake/rod for my own back or is my mum just being an interfering caring grandma?

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SelfishMrsClaus · 27/12/2007 20:56

Tell her to fuck off.

She raised you in the way she saw fit, now you will raise your child in the way you see fit

chankins · 27/12/2007 21:00

I would say no to the pulling baubles off tree thing. You have to start saying no at some point. Said it a few times today to my now crawling 7 mo old, as he was vigourously shaking the firegaurd and I was worried he would pull it on him. Its not telling him off, just beginning to let him know whats out of bounds and whats not. Or am I just mean ? My Mil says no very loudly if he touches a plug or a wire, even though they are covered and safe etc. Feel a bit sorry for him then !

smallwhitecat · 27/12/2007 21:01

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WideWebWitch · 27/12/2007 21:02

You're right, they're wrong imo, ignore.

wessexgirl · 27/12/2007 21:03

I agree with your approach, ceebee. Say 'no!' to your mother .

lennygirl · 27/12/2007 21:07

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FrannyandZooey · 27/12/2007 21:13

I wouldn't let him go on pulling baubles off someone else's tree if they have told him not to

if you mean you use other methods to deal with behaviour that is a PITA, then I agree with you, but if you mean you let him carry on doing what he wants, then I can see their point

FluffyMummy123 · 27/12/2007 21:15

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Acinonyx · 27/12/2007 22:07

It's up to you especially in your own home but at 17 mo most toddlers understand the word no - they just don't want to answer to it. I avoid no if I can, but OTOH, I think it's important to set boundaries, one way or another.

margoandjerry · 27/12/2007 22:13

Not sure what you are annoyed about really.

My 14 mo knows that when I say "no" it means something. She doesn't always stop but she knows it's not a play word.

If you are annoyed at your mother and sister saying "no" to him then I think you are being unreasonable. It's her tree and she's entitled to say no if it's potentially being damaged or even just because it's her rules in her house.

But if you are annoyed because they suggested he doesn't obey the word "no" then you have a point. At that age, they don't necessarily understand, still less obey. Doesn't mean it's not worth saying "no" though. They have to start to learn sometimes.

I agree that distraction works better but that doesn't mean saying "no" is a bad thing. It's an important word to learn...

Wifi · 27/12/2007 22:17

I saw someone over the hols who I hadn't seen for a few years and thought was really onto their child all of the time. Too much so. At the time I wasn't. Her little boy does listen to her and she doesn't smack, a threat is a threat and she means it, like taking something away and it works a treat. So I guess I wished I had been a bit more strict from the start as my children don't take any notice of me really, apart from when I shout. I was very envious.

ahundredtimes · 27/12/2007 22:24

I think if he was persisting in pulling baubles off someone elses tree then you tell him not to don't you?

Especially if the owner of the tree has already asked him to stop.

threeweekings · 28/12/2007 00:45

I think lots of children ignore "no" at this age. It doesn't work all that much with my dd (22 months) unless I really go for it, which is a bit mean for something like pulling things off the tree. Distraction and physically removing her are what I usually do.

Fair enough they don't want him destroying the tree, but I think they need a more effective strategy than simply "no" until he's a bit older.

Twinklemegan · 28/12/2007 00:51

We do say No to our 17 month old DS, but I completely agree with you when you say you reserve it for when it's important. I try to do that as well, so that hopefully it will actually mean something to him. It's all to easy to fall into a trap of lazily saying No to stuff when you've no intention of following through on it.

Having said that, he roundly ignores me in any case and I end up having to physically remove him from said dangerous item.

seeker · 28/12/2007 06:39

I wouldn't have let mine take baubles of someone else's tree - but I would have tried to distract and say no at the same time if you see what I mean "Don't do that - come and so this instead"

PortAndLemonaid · 28/12/2007 10:28

If he was pulling baubles of your sister's tree for long enough for your sister and mother to both tell him "no" and get into a debate about your parenting style then how effectively were you distracting him?

I don't have any problem with your "distraction rather than using NO all the time at 17 months" policy, but you need to be able to stop your child pulling baubles off someone else's tree somehow.

Original poster

ceebee74 · 28/12/2007 10:34

Port - it was the first (and only) bauble he had pulled off that they both said 'no' to before I had even had a chance to realise what he was doing and remove him

My problem is, at home, we have chosen to ignore/distract him when he pulls baubles off our tree as we don't see it as a major problem and saying no to him makes him do it even more as he thinks it is a game - but how is he to understand that, whilst it is ok at home, he cannot do it at other people's houses?

Margo - I am not annoyed at my mum and sister saying no to him at all as they are perfectly entitled to - I guess I am annoyed at them questioning my parenting skills if that makes sense.

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OrmIrian · 28/12/2007 10:39

Ah well some parents beleive that the only way to be a good parent is to say no all the time. No is the default position.

However I can see that she would be a trifle annoyed at him persistently doing something in her house that she didn't like and you not doing anything about it. And he needs to learnt that 'no' means something and that he must react to it and not just by laughing. Using it all the time won't work but never using it won't either.

margoandjerry · 28/12/2007 21:02

OK I wasn't sure if they did criticize or if you just felt they did by saying "no" iyswim.

I think parenting is a minefield. We all have different styles and although it can be annoying when people give advice/criticism, it's also a way of being involved. I like the idea that my whole family is involved in bringing up my child - the thought that it's just me and my decisions are sacrosanct and never to be queried is a bit scary. It does mean that I'm often feeling a bit judged one way or another - but I think that is better than doing it in isolation iyswim.

chankins · 28/12/2007 21:08

Its hard but kids do need to learn there are some things you don't mind at home, but that they can't do in other peoples houses. Like if you visit a friend, and she is much stricter about things, your kids just have to learn to go along with it. I think its good for them to understand there can be different rules in different places. Of course its hard for a toddler to understand, but you have to start somewhere or you'll end up with a much older child who has been allowed to do what he likes for too long. Much easier to start young, and use distraction as much as possible.

cat64 · 28/12/2007 21:38

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Twinklemegan · 28/12/2007 23:25

Cat64 - I didn't get the impression that CB thinks it's OK for her DS to carry on doing what he wants in someone else's house. I think (correct me if I'm wrong CB) that she objects to the implication that her very young DS doesn't obey the word "no" because she doesn't say it enough.

Even if a 17 month old does understand that "no" means stop what you're doing (which let's face it they probably do), they aren't mature enough for that to override their intense desire to continue what they're doing. They don't have the power of forward thinking in that sense, and they don't really understand consequences. So anyone who suggests she must be too soft, just because her DS doesn't immediately jump to attention, must have forgotten what it's like to have a young toddler.

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