Extremely moody baby, could do with a bit of support...

[Frazzlerock]

Does anyone else have a baby who is about 80% moody/angry/miserable? Our little guy is 15 months now and he's been the same since he was born. I've contacted our health visitor service today out of desperation and currently waiting for a call back from the Nursery Nurse, but I wanted to find out if others out there have the same and got to the bottom of it?

Before he could crawl/walk he hated being put down, he would never just sit in his bouncy chair and gurgle and smile happily like other babies, he had to be held all the time. He's slightly easier now since he learnt to crawl and now walk but he's still incredibly grumpy and we are finding it exhausting trying to keep him happy all the time.
We dream of talking him out to restaurants and cafes, but when we do we're on edge because he can kick off at any given opportunity and he does without fail.

People who have experienced the same have often suggested he could have CMPA (because he also used to have terrible reflux) so we took him off dairy as much as possible just to see, but its not making any difference.

He's never been a great sleeper either. It took him a fairly long time to sleep in his own bed, refused his Snuzpod next to our bed and only slept if I co-slept - but that killed my body and I didn't really sleep for about 8 months. He's now in his own bed in his own room (amazingly) but, if he ever sleeps through the night (rarely), he's awake from 5am at the latest which we see as a success quite frankly but my god we're tired.
His grumpiness and lack of sleep is getting to the point where we're struggling with life as a family and it especially makes my DP's depression even worse. I try to just get on with it and paint a fake smile on, but he can't and he can really go downhill when we're having a particularly hard day of it.

I have two teenage DS and I used to work in childcare as a nanny and childminder for many years so I feel like I have had quite a lot of experience with babies and children, and our little DS is the trickiest child I've ever come across. I've read about 'high needs' babies, but it seems like it's just a label and there's no actual resolution?

He was 6 weeks premature, but totally fine at birth and a good weight too so I'm not sure if being brought into the world early has just angered him...? I just wish he was happy, we both worry for his mental health as it can't be healthy crying so much and being so miserable ?

He does have lovely moments and he's hilarious and cheeky and very sweet, but these moments are often fleeting and he's back to being upset and angry again very quickly.

We tried for 5 years to have our little boy after several missed miscarriages and had a very rocky pregnancy, so we often joke that he's our warrior baby who is making himself known in the world! But there's only so much joking we can do before we lose our marbles completely, and I'm slightly worried the nursery nurse will brush us off.

Has he ever been checked for Tongue Tie @Frazzlerock? My DS had some of those behaviours and it turned out to be TT.

How is he apart from that? Is he waking and talking? Have you done the MChat test and had a look at ICan website?

Lack of sleep is bloody awful though. We found the No Cry Sleep Solution helped with some things, like early waking.

Have you spoken to the GP and HV about your MH and how you're feeling as well? The one thing that shines out from your post is that you might need some support as well as everyone else

Yes my dd was also TT and boy she was a seriously miserable baby. I was the only one she’d smile for and she was an awful sleeper.

Things to check:

Does he gulp when drinking? Might be getting wind

Check he’s not getting too hot at night. Dd was a hotter baby than my ds and I would over wrap her inadvertently.

Think about setting up a bed in his room so if he wakes, you can crash next to him and he stays in his bed. This worked for our ds who never came into our bed and loves his bed now.

Have you had hearing etc checked?

If it is CMPA, taking him off dairy ‘as much as possible’ won’t show an improvement - you need to completely remove all traces from his diet for several weeks before you notice a change. And CMPA often comes alongside other allergies too - eg about half of those children will also be allergic to soya, which is often the go to dairy replacement so again you wouldn’t notice a change

Sorry it doesn't look as though my tongue tie link worked

Have a read of this from Milk Matters and see if any of it sounds familiar

Thank you for your responses.
We had TT checked when he was tiny at Kings and they said he had a very slight posterior TT which was so slight it likely wouldn't make much difference to cut it, so we decided not to. They did tell us he has a very high palate though.

Apart from the miserableness, he's now walking finally, although crawled and rolled pretty late (from my experience working with children and having my elder two). He's very destructive, chucks toys with a lot of force, and food as well. Looks us in the eyes and throws his food very deliberately, so seems to be looking for a reaction in that respect.
Talking, he says 'that' a lot, pointing at stuff, mostly snacks, and calls every animal a 'cat' (we have three at home) but no other words yet.

I'll have a look at those links, thank you.

It's all so draining. I mean, I moan about his sleep, but that is getting better. It's mostly just the constant moaning and crying all day that's hard to deal with. I imagined a smiley happy baby like my older two, and like all our friends babies. I'd looked forward to this for 5 years and it's been like nothing I'd ever imagined.

I've just done the MChat test and he scored low (1). But I've just looked at the Ican website and it reckons he should be speaking up to 20 words! 😱 I though he was doing well with 'that' 'cat', oh and 'dada' 😳
I'm pretty sure his friends of the same age aren't speaking many more words than that... but I guess it's up to 18 months so he still has 3 months to get his vocab up!

If he does have a tie, I'd recommend getting it cut. DS' was discovered very late but he had reflux symptoms, regular waking (for years), weaning reluctance and had speech therapy.

I relate to so much of your post. I hate describing a helpless baby as miserable, but that’s exactly what my DS was for the first 15 or so months of his life. He cried and fussed 24/7. Also hated being put down, never smiled and cooed, needed tons and tons of stimulation, late motor developer (never crawled, finally learnt to walk at 15 months), rotten sleeper. Call it intuition, but we just knew it was his personality, not a medical problem as such. 100% ‘high needs baby’.

They’re all different, but he’s now a pretty easy going, extremely cheerful, okay sleeper at 20 months, so there is hope. That’s all come about in 5 months. He still needs so so much simulation, but I’ll take that from where we were.

Walking made a big difference to him, but I’d say his mood has improved daily and exponentially with language acquisition. He understands everything now, including complex instructions and is gaining new words by the day. I’m sure you do already, but talk talk talk to him. Even if only to drown out the fussing.

How many naps a day does he have? If you haven’t already, drop to one with loads of awake time and stimulation. That solved our 5am starts almost overnight.

There isn’t a solution to a high needs baby because it’s who they are. It’s their temperament. I know how hard it is, but try to reframe how you feel about it. These personality traits, if channelled correctly, can lead to confident, driven, empathetic people.

I'm sure he really isn't throwing his food because it annoys you....he's doing it because its getting a reaction and that's how babies learn to repeat things. I know it's hard but if you stay calm it'll really help. My little boy was like this so I know what it's like. Instead of trying to change things, just go with it.

My DS was like this, we called him Damian (only too eachother). He is a lovely boy now, but he's volatile so we think it was definitely personality trait, we were told it was reflux, and then once he started talking the frustration ebbed away. But he is still easy to anger, frustrated and a negative person, we try to combat it as best we can and shower him with love, he hates kisses, tolerates hugs and doesn't really talk about feelings. But he's loving and kind and gentle too, and so funny and imaginative, I think he will go far in life.

I think some children are just difficult, like adults, and I think they have a personality from day 1. I also think difficult pregnancy can impact, I had hyperemesis and worried myself that it was the medication I took.

Also he didn't talk clearly til he was nearly 3 and then had a stammer which he has grown out of.

How does he nap? Sounds to me that with a 5am wake up he could well just he exhausted. It's so hard, I know! Hope you can get some answers. X

@Russell19 oh I agree, I would never think he does it because it annoys us... I don't believe babies can be manipulative (I know some people think they can which I personally think is nonsense).
As I say, and as you also reiterated, he's doing it for a reaction because that is what babies do and it is how they learn. I have to say though, he's certainly my most testing baby, out of all the children I've cared for over many years.

@Roadhouse111 Haha! Yes, we've been known to secretly call him Lucifer and Damian. I do wonder if he could talk, he'd be far happier. With every big milestone he does seem to be getting slightly easier and, like you and @AliceW89 says, the personality thing is definitely something I've thought, rather than anything medical.

Re naps, he has about 30 mins in the morning from around 9:30ish. Then about 1-1.5 hours in the afternoon from around 1:30 or 2pm. We've tried to take out the morning nap but my god, he is ten times worse than usual and becomes completely unmanageable. Trust me, he really needs that nap!

Its mad, and I can't believe I'm typing this, but I almost wonder if fate was trying to tell me something when we lost baby after baby. Like it was trying to tell me I can't handle it and we should stop. I'm not 'woo' I promise! But the mind goes into overdrive sometimes when trying to work out what's going on.

I wouldn't be without the little whirlwind, he's so delicious and gives us lovely cuddles and has the dirtiest laugh, and cracking personality when he's not raging, but what I wouldn't give for just one day where he is content. Or even 30 minutes tbh. It's been the most overwhelming and exhausting 15 months of my life. Constantly trying to make him happy and stimulate him is like being a children's television presenter ALL the time and its utterly knackering. This is harder than when I was caring for several children as well as my own a few years ago when I was childminding.

Anyway, I appreciate your messages and solidarity! We'll keep talking to him and reading to him and hope that he's just mega bright and frustrated that he can't do or tell us stuff yet. I'm trying to think that this is a short time in his life and things will get easier and I'll look back and see it as a short time. But it certainly doesn't feel it right now.

You know your kid best, but if he’s waking at 5 I honestly think it’s time to drop to one nap. Most 15 month olds can handle the awake time required. Overtiredness is a thing, but equally toddlers need lots of uninterrupted awake time to be sufficiently tired at bedtime. Of course he is going to be more grumpy - some of that will be tiredness but a lot of it will be because his routine had changed. Despite fighting routine, high needs kids actually need them more than the easy going ones to remain calm. Get out in the morning to something fun and stimulating so your/his mind isn’t on the fact his routine has changed and he is grumpy and tired. Home for lunch then down for a nap. One long nap as opposed to fragmented sleep was definitely a winner for my DS.

I agree with PP. Sometimes that morning nap can actually continue the early morning wake and consequently add to the total wake time of the day, leading to exhaustion. For my DS, one nap was a game changer to be honest. It took about 2 weeks of dodgy single naps and early bed time until we got nice 2.5 hour naps in the middle of the day. We began with a 5h-nap-5h day (ideally). You know your DS best though and masssssssive respect to you for everything you've coped and are coping with. If morning nap has t continue for your (and his) sanity then so be it. This too shall pass! X

Oh god love you! Hang in there! I’m sure it’ll be a thing of the past in no time. My DS was exactly like this. He’s only 2.2 now so at around 20 months he just turned into this amazing most loving little human. Like you say we felt the same, he hated being a baby? I forever had to leave baby groups, lunch/ coffee dates etc due to his unhappiness but then he became confident in his own and is the centre of attention with his cute behaviours. Could not see this light at the time but we got there. Could say it was lots of love and cuddles but really was probably just child’s development. You’re doing great and the fact you’re asking for help shows it, I promise you’ll get there x