Full of self-doubt and feel like I'm doing everything wrong

[anon182]

My baby is 7mo and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong as he will only contact nap - I can't get him to sleep in his crib during the day - isn't in his own room and i haven't left him for more than an hour. I'm not interested in sleep training but feel like literally everyone is doing it and I'm getting it all wrong. I feel judged when people find out we have to contact nap and I haven't had an evening out alone yet.

The self-doubt as a mum is absolutely crippling me. I feel like everyone else is breezing through and I'm failing.

Sounds like my 2 year old. You sound like you're doing an amazing job. This is all normal. It's hard but normal. Hang in there. Your child needs you & you're meeting their needs.

thank you @kittykat33 - I'm finding myself getting really triggered (sorry, I never use that word but for some reason I am) by people at baby groups loudly discussing how well sleep training is going or by my mum WhatsApp groups discussing cot naps in detail. I feel so lonely and abnormal.

Hang on in there, you’re doing amazing. Sleep training isn’t for everyone so if you don’t want to do that, it’s your choice! It’s not something I would be able to do either.

My second born is a clingy one, she takes forever to go to sleep and feeds like a trooper so I feel like daisy the cow mostly.
It’s not forever, I know that sounds cliché, but it really isn’t.
My first born didn’t go into his own room till he was 13 months old, that’s your decision, the only reason we moved him was because his sister was coming.

Just want you to know you’re not alone and you are doing a brilliant job at parenting your baby, and you’re the best one for the job, because you’re their mummy!

If you do want to try anything, white noise seems to work for us.

I hope you feel better soon, we’ve all been there

Maybe mute the WhatsApp groups, I have no idea why anyone would be discussing cot naps in detail sounds bloody tedious!

My DD is 7 months, and she has contact napped since 3 months, no idea why it changed but it did and I couldn't give a crap if other babies nap in their cots, I let DD do what is right for her needs and they are only babies for such a short time anyway.

Try not to compare, some of them are probably lying in any case

Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, do what you want to do.

Grass isn’t always greener! We did sleep training and whilst it’s nice she sleeps in her cot independently, I’ll never get a contact nap again. Didn’t really think about it at the time as I was so exhausted from rocking/broken nights but now, I’d love a contact nap with her.
You won’t remember or care about any of it when he is 3,4,5, so enjoy it 😊

Your baby is doing what is biologically normal!! My baby was the same until 8 months when we really worked at putting her in her cot for naps because I was shattered (she'd usually only nap on walks). Why wouldn't your baby prefer to be cuddled up to you rather than alone in their own room? If you're happy to keep contact napping, ignore what others are doing and enjoy the cuddles. No one ever looks back and regrets cuddling their baby too much. Also, contact napping is way more common than you think.

Oh my goodness OP you are not abnormal or alone. I sleep with my DS when he needs it and not when he doesn’t. His needs vary. I’d never deny him physical or emotional contact when he needs it. Children are young and navigating an overwhelming world of course they need the security of their primary carer to comfort them.

It’s natural, primal and completely normal.

There are some really helpful groups on Facebook around attachment parenting where you’ll find many like minded parents.

My DS has a very secure attachment to me, he is a happy, confident outgoing boy who runs into playgroup without looking back - that’s because he knows I’ll connect with him when he needs it and he knows I’ll come back for him. He trusts me completely and that’s important.

Follow your instincts. Nobody knows what your child needs better then you.

I’m not saying sleep training is wrong. Different things work for different people and families and that’s fine. Different kids need different parenting etc. I promise you you’re perfect for your baby. They need nothing more than you.

You're doing what you should be doing - responding to your baby's needs!

Your experience is the typical one in my circles! Our children have never been without one of us overnight before (3.5yo and 3m old) mainly due to lack of willing childcare haha. DD has been put to bed once by my relatives and that was because I hadn't yet been discharged from hospital after having DS but we were back by the time she had a night waking. She mostly contact napped or napped in the pram or carriee til she was about 1. DS so far is the same. I know plenty of people whose babies were the same or have no childcare so can't go out haha. Try not to worry!

I clearly do something wrong with naps and being able to leave a baby. Both of mine never nap/napped in cots and my older daughter needed me to feed her to sleep for 2.5 years! I could go out after she was in bed when she was a toddler though. My older daughter is a very confident and independent 6 year old who sleeps well. My baby is currently cramping my social life and needs me to drive or walk around for her to nap but it won't be forever :)

@anon182 you aren't doing anything wrong at all, you are not failing and honestly nobody is judging you! And hardly anyone is breezing through! We all have ups and downs. I'm one of those people doing sleep training and I'm constantly doubting whether I'm doing the right thing and looking at the mums like you and feeling unsure about my choice. Am I just being selfish? Probably! You're not harming your little one by holding them while they sleep are you? That's a lovely thing to do. It's just a tiring thing to do. I also haven't been out on my own so why am I even doing sleep training? We all have to just muddle through and do what we think is right for us, our babies and our families. We're all unique and have different needs, experiences and opinions.

I read a really interesting article that said the debate about how to interact with our babies is completely new - previously infant mortality was so high that the debate was whether to interact at all or not. Whatever you're doing you are caring for your baby and it's almost certainly OK! (I'll need you to remind me of that tomorrow though...)

Congratulations, you have a velcro baby. You're doing exactly what your baby wants. He thinks you're the bee's knees.
Don't compare. You're doing just fine..

Sounds a lot like my 7 month old! Although he does sleep well in his own room at night, he's always been terrible at napping during the day. He only ever sleeps for max 30 mins if I put him down in his cot, so I rarely bother - I either contact nap or bounce him in his bouncy chair until he falls asleep.
You know, it wasn't until I gave up worrying about things like this / what other people do that I actually started to enjoy being a mum. I'm just doing what's best for him.. and you are doing the same for your little boy too. I feel your pain, it is exhausting but I think we'll miss these moments being so close to them when they grow up and don't want cuddles all the time!

Is baby happy & thriving? Are you ok with the current situation? If the answers yes then great, keep on doing it. There's no need to feel bad about your choices if the two most important people (you and baby) are happy with them.

I always feel like I've won the lottery if I manage to get DS into his cot for a nap!

Hey you know what? I sleep trained and I feel like I’m failing for not being the kind of mother who could cope with co-sleeping and contact napping. You can’t win whatever you do, so just keep doing you. I think you’re amazing x