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Dd has no friends

10 replies

RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 17:35

My daughter is 10 and in year 6 since starting school she’s never had any friends, she has autism and always refused to speak to or interact with any of the other children. I can’t knock the school they are tried to encourage friendships but it hasn’t worked. As she’s got older the difference between her and the other children has got more noticeable and mentally I would say she’s on the age of a 4/5 year old, so the year 6 children aren’t wanting to be friends with her as they don’t have anything in common with her. dd was never bothered about this as she like I said she’s always refused to engage with any of them. However recently she’s now completely changed and has become desperate for friends, almost fixated with it, I explained to her that she has to make friends at school and that it’s the easiest place she can make them but I think it’s too late now as friendships are solid and she doesn’t really fit in with the children her age now, so it hasn’t happened. At Christmas she did not receive one Christmas card for school, not one. dd is becoming obsessed with getting friends, she can’t attend clubs as she requires 1:1 support. I’ve taken her to a group for autistic children but she did not interact at all with anyone there. But when I pick her up from school she is attempting to run up to strangers and asking them to be her friends, she asking to knock on random doors to “make friends” I’ve told her she can’t do this but it’s the same thing every single day when I pick her up from school and it’s just a challenge getting her home. She is the size of an adult now so can come across as quite intimidating to smaller children.

I just don’t know what to do I feel like I’ve exhausted all avenues for her to make friends but how can I get her to understand she can’t approach strangers? I’ve told her she can’t approach strangers but she doesn’t understand, I hold her hand but she’s strong and pulls away.

OP posts:
BriansTail · 19/01/2022 17:54

This sounds hard op. I have aspergers and always found it difficult to fit in or make friends.

If she was to join a club would you be allowed to attend as a 1:1? I'm not sure what kind of rules they'd have.

I'd definitely try other clubs for non-NT kids. It sounds like she's not quite able to interact with school friends yet.

Does she have any LD also?

hivemindneeded · 19/01/2022 18:04

Check out whether there are any support groups and meet ups for parents of autistic or SEN children in your area. If so, take her along and she might well meet friends there.

Try also a family-orientated church group. Our local church helps SEN children form strong bonds and they have life long friendship groups and go on days out and on camps together. If you explain to the Youth Leader in advance how lonely she is, they will look out for her.

Meanwhile, she'll be moving school soon presumably (unless you are in a middle school area) so you can start to teach her how to make friends more easily as she has a better chance with a new intake. Encourage her to be calm and not too pushy and to spend time with people who enjoy similar things to her.

cheapskatemum · 19/01/2022 18:05

I have a son with ASD and know that it is very difficult to get children with ASD to accept where the line is. I now work with young people in residential care and the same often applies with them. In my experience, you just have to keep holding that line. Do not deviate from it one iota, or that will become DD's new normal & that's not what you want. Since DD has a diagnosis, do you have a Social Worker? Is she receiving PIP? It might be possible to pay for someone to support you and DD as you walk home from school. It's not safe if she can pull away from you. I remember DS once remembered that he enjoyed walking on a wall the other side of the road & just pulled away from me & crossed the road to get to it. Cars screeched to a fault & people were returning the contents of my handbag to me for days afterwards!
Regarding making friends, does your DD have any special interests or hobbies? That is the best way for friendships to start, although you may have to come to terms with the fact that they might not be friends in the same way as you & I have friends. Have you seen the series "The A Word"? I think this dealt with that topic quite well.

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RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 18:10

I can’t attend clubs with her unfortunately as I’m a single mum and don’t have anyone else to have the other children whilst I take her. She wouldn’t be safe to leave at a club on her own and they wouldn’t take her as she has significant behavioural issues. Yes she does have LD. I’ve taken her to groups but she doesn’t interact with anyone there... Which is what is making it harder for me as I’m not sure what else I can do there. We are not religious so I don’t attend church. No social services involvement.

OP posts:
User89174648495 · 19/01/2022 20:02

That is really tricky, could you go to the SEN groups and focus on doing the same activity as other children and then after call them friends and then work from there to build on the friendships?

Bobholll · 19/01/2022 20:20

That’s so sad she didn’t get a single Christmas card. The other kids might find her more difficult to get on with but they shouldn’t just exclude her 💔 there is a child in yr5 at our school with autism and the kids are so kind to her. They make sure she gets her lunch & joins in with them during lessons. They are quite protective in a way. I’m not sure she has any ‘friends’ as much, she isn’t going to sleepovers or on trips out with mates but I don’t think that matters to her so much as she feels accepted in her class. We are a small village school, so perhaps that helps. Children are friends with those in various year groups, there’s lots of cross-age friends etc. it’s a nice environment!

Can the school do more? Talk to them about this change & her keenness to make friends. Ask for her to be buddied up for lunch and made to feel very included in lessons? I bet it wouldn’t take much to make her feel happy in that sense!

RedCandyApple · 19/01/2022 20:48

The Christmas card thing didn’t even surprise me sadly, she never gets any Christmas cards, she hasn’t had one since about year 2, it’s horrible because
My other children come out with handfuls of them and I can’t tell them they aren’t allowed any, so obviously dd sees this, even my son said can I check her bag to see if she has any, I told him not to just in case, so I checked it when she got home but surprise surprise not one. She has never been invited to a party, nothing, they really exclude her and I don’t really understand how you can exclude one child like that, surely some kids most write cards to the whole class? There’s 30
Kids in her class and not one 😒

My mum said I should ask the school if she can play with her siblings at lunch time as they never see each other at school (they keep year group
Play times separate) I passed the school once and I saw her stood alone in the playground.

OP posts:
Misspacorabanne · 30/03/2022 12:02

@RedCandyApple just read your thread. I know how you feel as I have a DC with autism and he doesn't have a single friend. He's only 4 at the moment so I know there's a lot of time for progress but it's still hard when his peers are waving at each other when we arrive at school, excited to see each other, but D's won't make eye contact or interact... Reading about your dad having no Christmas cards is heartbreaking. I'm just reaching out to say I know how you feel. Its so hard.

Misspacorabanne · 30/03/2022 12:02

Sorry dd not dad obviously xx

JustAnotherBadMother · 30/03/2022 14:10

Re the Church suggestion from someone else, my family are not at all religious but my brother has severe ld and autism (never attended mainstream). He's 30 now, but for a few years, my mum had him in a Church Scout group and he went to a Sunday school, and they were really inclusive and wonderful with him - he went on camping trips and other stuff. We were not religious, although my mother as a "thank you" attended their services and volunteered with coffee mornings and so on. Likelihood is if you are in a city there will be something similar.
I'd raise the issue with the school though - if parents are inviting everyone to parties EXCEPT her then that should be stopped. Similarly school should make more of an effort to try and help her play with others.

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