DS (almost three) becoming increasingly violent

[numberthirtytwowindsorgardens]

DS has always been the most lovely little boy. (No, really. Quiet, sensitive, gentle.) Over the last few months, he's hit the terrible twos and has started tantrumming in a big way when he's told no or has to do something he doesn't like. This has recently escalated to hitting (mainly DH, but occasionally me too) and he has bitten another child at nursery twice in the last week.

We've tried to do the 'rational' approach: name the feeling, set the boundary, talk about it once he's calmed down enough to think sensibly again ('I know you're frustrated that you can't have a chocolate; I'm not going to let you hit me; let's read a book instead'), and try to always make consequences follow the action (i.e., you hit me with a toy, I take the toy away from you). This just doesn't seem to me to be working: he's getting more inclined to hit, shout and ignore us with every passing day. What should we be doing now?

I fear I'm becoming one of those wet parents who says 'oh please don't hit me darling' - but I don't know what we should be doing instead. Please advise!

Hopeful mid afternoon bump.

He's 2, rationalising with him is not going to work because he doesn't have the vocabulary. Find a method and then be absolutely consistent even when you think it isn't working. When my daughter went through a bit of a stage of hitting, I said 'no hitting' and then left the room for a minute. When I came back and she hit again, I would say 'no hitting' again and again leave the room, this time slightly longer, maybe by 20 seconds. There are lots of other methods but any method needs time and consistency.

Thanks, @Enb76, that makes sense. But if it doesn't seem to be working, how long do you give it consistency before you try something new?

I'm really scared of his becoming 'that child' whom no one wants to be friends with.

Have you read how to talk so your child will listen (probably not the exact title) - it's a useful perspective even if it doesn't wave the magic wand. My DS was aggressive to me at that age and it was undoubtedly tough. Consistency was key but easier to say than do so make sure you have plenty of opportunities for a break to boost your resilience. Know the triggers and intervene early - if I could spot it coming I would grab him for a bear hug to squeeze the angry out. Teach him other options - it's okay to be angry but it's not okay to hit so my DS had a very growly stage. It still wasn't great from the outside looking in but better than hitting and gradually that transitioned to throwing the angry out the window. Lots of sleep, lots of healthy food and know you'll have consequences after a bag of haribo!

One method that really helped for my DS (though he was probably slightly older) was to encourage him to let his anger out in another way, by stopping his feet, clapping his hands or loud singing. We had an angry dance!

Two suggestions

1. Any chance he is teething? Molars coming through makes some kids go nuts, especially if it’s keeping them up at night

2. Instead of just saying no hitting, no biting, say what he should do instead. Keep your language simple and repeat it over and over. If someone makes you upset, what do you do? You tell them to stop, or you tell a grown up. You don’t hit or bite.

You're doing the right thing in labelling the emotion and working with it so carry on with that, it will eventually pay off.

Some other things to do:

1. Pick your battles - don't give in to every demand but equally don't say no unless it really has to be a no.

1. Reframe no into a positive.

I want chocolate.

You can have some chocolate after dinner. Or
Yes, we can buy some chocolate when we go to the shop later.
Or
You can have some raisins or a banana?

1. Give a warning when something is going to happen e.g. you need to leave the park/turn the TV off etc.

1. Try and determine what causes the behaviour. Is he tired, hungry, thirsty, bored, overwhelmed etc. Once you know this you can get in to solve the problem before it escalates.

DD1 went through a biting phase just after she turned 2. I would gently but firmly move her away, say ‘no biting people, we bite food’. At the start I had to do this four or five times each incident, but after a week or so she got the message.

However, when she hit 2.9 she became a threenager and her baby sister arrived. We tried reasoning with her etc as her understanding was so strong, but tbh the same simple approach worked again, e.g. for throwing a toy we’d take it away and say ‘no throwing, we play nicely with toys’.

I’m a primary teacher and remember a behaviour expert a few years ago who helped us with a very angry boy saying that the fewer words you use the better when a child is having a meltdown. It’s just too much for them to process complex language when they’re overwhelmed by their emotions.