Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

The Mum guilt !!!!

12 replies

mamabear24601 · 19/01/2022 11:20

...does it ever go? Do people experience it on different levels of severity ?

I feel guilty about everything I do !!! It's seeping into other things not even related to my daughter now too! I am just in a constant state of guilt all the time

Is that normal ?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
boymum45 · 19/01/2022 12:03

I feel the same OP. Am I playing with him enough, going out enough, feeding him enough, doing enough, I could go on and on. People I have spoke to says it never goes away

Alitlebitsleepy · 19/01/2022 14:27

I've just started reading, 'the supermum myth' for this very reason. It gives you coping strategies to rethink our thought patterns around motherhood. I'd recommend having a read because it definitely can be all consuming.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/01/2022 20:36

I think people do worry a lot but feeling guilty all the time isn’t normal. As long as you do a good-ish job your child will turn out fine, no amount of overparenting will turn them into a genius if they aren’t one, and nothing you can do will stop them experiencing all the bumps and disappointments of life.

Do some reading around as PP says, talk to some (sensible) mum friends if you have them, and keep up your own life.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2022 20:38

How old is your daughter?

Tee20x · 19/01/2022 20:44

Mmmm I would say elements of mhm guilt are normal. But not to the extent of feeling it all the time and it seeping into other things. Could you give some examples?

For me I felt mum guilt when my daughter was on her first day of nursery and I was in the hairdressers enjoying some free time before I was due to start work.

That was cos when I dropped her off she was crying and was probably feeling a bit confused/overwhelmed and there I was in the hairdressers pampering myself. I'd say that could be considered "normal".

In my opinion what wouldn't be normal would be things like sitting down for a 5 min cuppa and feeling guilty over it etc.

Original poster
mamabear24601 · 19/01/2022 21:02

Ok I'll give an example of the guilt I feel at the moment - I have to work part time alongside my husbands work to pay the bills . We are looking at the possibility of me resigning but with the energy crisis now being a thing , it is such a worry that we would then not be able to live , so I have to work. I feel guilty for being a working mum. I feel guilty that my 2.5year old is in nursery 4 mornings a week. I feel guilty that because I'm a working mum I don't have the time to take our daughter to visit family during the week . I feel pressure (that probably isn't even there in reality!) from family to visit more often. We are relocating at present and I feel guilt that I am leaving my mum and grandma behind (an hour away!) and I won't be able to "pop" to see them with our daughter.
I just feel guilty about my whole existence as a person and as a mum, for my life choices!!! I know that sounds so pathetic and silly and I am trying to shake myself out of it . I was never like this before being a mum ! I was of very sound mind, very rational and career focused and I am just a shell of the person I once was
I do nothing for myself either so I have no real identity any more . I have separation anxiety from our daughter so she never really spends any real time away from me (other than attending nursery of course!)

Eugh that all sounds so pathetic and ridiculous !! Please don't respond too harshly !! I just want to know that others might be in the same boat or have experienced similar things in the past and got through it !!

OP posts:
Tee20x · 19/01/2022 22:38

@mamabear24601

From what you've said it sounds completely normal. I've just gone back to work myself - gone back full time and DD is in nursery 4 full days a week. 8.30-5.30, it's awful isn't it. Feels as if I literally pick her up and then it's bedtime so we've gone from being with eachother 24/7 to not seeing a lot of eachother apart from at weekends.

I would love to be at home and do all of the sahm things. Nice outings, baking bla bla bla. But at the end of the day needs must & we have to work to provide a stable life and roof over our kids heads too.

I think once you have kids your priorities just change so much. Like I said I've just gone back to work, and just think it's so pointless. What's the point of being there when I could be with my daughter??? But I'm sure i will get my head round it in a few months once I've settled in.

I fully get you though, deffo not alone.

Alitlebitsleepy · 20/01/2022 10:56

OP, I have and do continue to have feelings very much like yours.

I am a SAHM (aside from 4 hours of work a week) and I still feel guilt. I also take my dd to family often and take her to toddler groups. But, guess what? I feel guilty that I'm not at work! Would she benefit from nursery? Am I being lazy by not working? I feel guilty when I see family so often because I feel like I'm not working hard enough by myself and taking the 'easy' option by visiting family and letting them play with her for a bit. I feel quilty for spending money on toddler groups when I'm not working much.

My point is that whatever you do, you'll find a reason to feel guilty. Even seemingly 'perfect' mums have guilt and times when they struggle. This is why I recommended reading that book and challenging your thought patterns because it's exhausting. Ultimately, you'll be able to better parent your child when you're more relaxed and confident with your choices.

In regards to separation anxiety, I've also recently realised that I've been suffering with this too. Being a SAHM, I haven't had much time away from my dd. I've now taken steps to factor in 'me' time to give myself time away from dd and allow DH to care for dd by himself. I've done this by buying a weekly planner and writing in 'me' time once or twice a week. Maybe this would help you too?

Miriam101 · 20/01/2022 13:17

Reasons for you not to feel guilty/ ways to reframe your thinking:

  • your 2.5yo is at the perfect age for nursery- they generally become more interested in other kids at that point & mornings only is a lovely amount of time for that IMO. So, you're not "abandoning" her, you're opening up her world and introducing her to little friends.
  • as she grows up it will be good for her to see her mum doing the same as her dad: going out into the world to earn a living. Great way of showing her equality from an early age.
  • the most important one: as you say, with the rise in cost of living, this simply isn't a choice you have, you have to work! How could you feel guilty about giving her a childhood without financial pressures?

In summary, it's all good!
You can almost guarantee that if you were doing the opposite, staying at home, being with her 100% of the time, etc, you would find a way of worrying and feeling guilty about that too.

EishetChayil · 20/01/2022 18:50

I hope this doesn't come across as smug but I have never felt "mum guilt". Is seems to be more common to feel it than not.

canyoutoleratethis · 20/01/2022 20:18

@boymum45

I feel the same OP. Am I playing with him enough, going out enough, feeding him enough, doing enough, I could go on and on. People I have spoke to says it never goes away
I don’t know you, but I can absolutely guarantee that you are more than enough for your little boy! Your post tells me that at huge volume xx
BMWqueen · 20/01/2022 23:21

I’m the same :( and I don’t work and my little one dosent go play with kids at nursery so I feel guilty about that but I just think she’s too young at 2.5 and she wants to be with me aswel as play with them

New posts on this thread. Refresh page