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Parenting

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Original poster

Toddler just will not sleep at night

21 replies

beyondtired35 · 18/01/2022 20:46

My toddler has just turned 21 months and is struggling to sleep at night. Tonight I gave him his usual milk in his room, then had a quick cuddle, put him in his cot, turned off the light and left. The issue is that as soon as he realises I’m leaving, he starts to cry, stands up in his cot and shouts for mama and dada. Would you continue to leave the room at that point or go back in and comfort him? I’ve been out of the room for seven minutes now and he’s still crying. I genuinely don’t know how to deal with this - it’s been going on for a month now and I’m really struggling mentally! Any advice very welcome.

OP posts:

Fallagain · 18/01/2022 20:48

What happens if you try cuddling him to sleep? I wouldn’t leave him to cry.

Original poster

beyondtired35 · 18/01/2022 20:53

It takes about an hour to either cuddle him to sleep or sit next to his cot whilst he slowly falls asleep. So far we’ve tended to leave him to cry for 10-15 minutes and if he’s still upset, we’ll go in and do one of the above. The problem is, I’m really struggling mentally to do this every single night as I feel I barely get any down time. He used to sleep really well but it’s all changed in the last month or so unfortunately!

OP posts:

Danikm151 · 18/01/2022 20:54

On the occasions my son has cried(similar ages)
I lie down the floor in his room and say we’re both going to sleep. Let him get drowsy then do a slow retreat.

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AliceW89 · 18/01/2022 20:56

If he’s taking an hour to go to sleep he might not be tired enough for bed? What’s his daytime routine?

Fallagain · 18/01/2022 20:57

@AliceW89

If he’s taking an hour to go to sleep he might not be tired enough for bed? What’s his daytime routine?

In agree it or maybe time to reduce nap length or it maybe time for it to go soon.

Original poster

beyondtired35 · 18/01/2022 20:58

So he’s now gone quiet after 15 minutes. But I’m left feeling so guilty that I left him to cry! It feels so relentless when they don’t go to bed until late at night and are up again at 6/7am.

OP posts:

TheFishWillSeeYouNow · 18/01/2022 21:01

We used to leave DC for a few minutes, then go back in and comfort until they were quiet and peaceful but still awake, then leave. if they cried again, waited another few minutes then went back in and comfort until calm etc. Just kept going back in until they were asleep. I wasn't a fan of leaving them to cry indefinitely but have friends who did that and it worked for them. To each their own!

Original poster

beyondtired35 · 18/01/2022 21:02

His daily routine tends to be:

Wake: 8am (although it is sometimes earlier, see above!)
Nap: 1.30-3pm
Bed: 8pm (though realistically it’s usually about 9pm by the time he’s gone to sleep)

He does seem to need the nap, as he usually falls asleep easily for that.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Fallagain · 18/01/2022 21:06

If you want him to go to bed earlier then he needs to get up earlier in the morning.

thingymaboob · 18/01/2022 21:06

My daughter was a great sleeper until 2 years old where she started doing this. Wouldn't go to sleep without us. It was anxiety I think as it was just at first lockdown and things really changed for her as her nursery closed completely (even to keyworkers) and husband was looking after her as I had to go out to work (paramedic). We had a camp bed, pretended to go to sleep and then snuck out when she fell asleep. After a few months we started talking to her about it and she started doing odd nights on her own then it just improved slowly from there.

Fallagain · 18/01/2022 21:07

Also the morning wake period should be shorter on the same as the afternoon wake period.

Workin8til6 · 18/01/2022 21:07

I’d try
Wake 7am (you will need to wake him to start with)
Nap 12-1 have an early lunch beforehand
Bed 7pm

KL92xxxx · 18/01/2022 21:12

Ours currently takes 1-3 hours, 1 hour on a good day. We can’t leave him to cry, I had to do this the other day when I was on my own as I needed the loo and I was gone not even 5 minutes and he made himself sick from crying (in less than 5 minutes). I imagine it’s normal to want you; just how we like to have our comforts at night too. We have no evenings at all at the moment, it’s rough.

AliceW89 · 18/01/2022 21:13

Hmm…I mean you know your child best but there is no way my 20 month old needs 13.5h sleep/day. The fact your DC takes a while to go to sleep and is waking early, suggests they don’t either. Average for this age is 11-14 hours. They likely still do need the nap, so I’d probably start consistently getting him up earlier (maybe 7am if you want to keep the 8pm bedtime) and pull your nap back a bit, keeping it at 1.5h

I’m not saying this will stop him getting upset and crying out for you, but if you do need to stay and support with a back pat/cuddle/shhh, you hopefully won’t be in their all night.

jenn88 · 18/01/2022 21:15

Sleep regression is normal! Or so I try and remind myself when we have night meeting like this!!!!! 🥴
Sort naps, DD is two (24 months) and we ask her if she wants a nap! If yes it's 1 hour max and not after 2pm!!! Childminder is on board so routine is the same!
Bed time varies between 6 and 7 depending on nap but always same routine!
If she cries I leave her a few minutes and go back in tuck her back in a gentle rub and say something like it's night time, get some lovely sleep, everything is ok, mummy loves you and then leave again! I will keep repeating in the hopes that it works as long as all her needs are met, it can be relentless but they do eventually settle back into sleeping well alone!
If I feel she is unwell or distressed I will get her out of bed and cuddle her or lie on floor holding her hand until she is asleep!
I have been pushed to take her into bed with us but because I have never allowed her to sleep in our bed (even when I breast fed!!) she thinks it's a fun game and refuses to settle!!! But not really a road I want to go down!!
Sorry to not be much help with advice but your not alone and the night feels long!!!!
It won't be for ever!!!

QforCucumber · 18/01/2022 21:16

Mine is 19 months and sleeps through maybe 4 or 5 nights a week now , looks like this -

Up 6am
Breakfast and dropped off at nursery for 8
Nap at nursery 12-1:30
Home 5:30
Dinner with us, bath around 6:30 into bedroom for 7
Story snuggled together with milk, brush teeth, sing a song and then put him into cot and say goodbye - he waves me away, if I don’t say bye he gets upset.

Most nights he’s asleep between 7:30-8.

Original poster

beyondtired35 · 18/01/2022 21:17

He currently sleeps for around 12.5 hours on average. So he seems to be in the right ballpark?

I think getting him up at 7 sounds like a good idea. I just really hate to wake him when he’s asleep - it’s so much nicer to wake up naturally!

OP posts:

MaizeAmaze · 18/01/2022 21:20

I'd try less sleep.
So, either up earlier, less nap, or later to bed.

ImJustMum · 18/01/2022 21:22

I could of wrote this!!! DD is exactly the same age and started a month ago. Is fine until i leave the room and screams bloody murder, no matter how asleep i think she is. I read online that they have another sleep regression at this age and separation anxiety starts again. They start understanding fear along with their imagination begining to ramp up which makes it worse. It makes sense because she has started to say shes scared of the dinosaur. We stay with her for a bit and then leave, we leave her for a certain amount of time and if she doesn't get bored and kicks off royally, we do go back in. Were riding the wave but i hope its over soon. She started getting up 5am and screaming out of her door aswell and turning her light on but appears to have got bored of this thank god and content with just being a nightmare at bed time.

Chezrone · 19/01/2022 20:24

Has he a night light? Switching the light off seemed to trigger mine once he got old enough for bedtime stories, so we put a little dim lamp on which stays on in the night so there was no sudden switch to black- helped with the gentle retreat (moving from the door to the landing to the stairs- now I just say ‘I’m on the stairs…’ then creep off also I leave a few little toys in a basket and he plays with them till 830 ish and then Gets in bed when he’s tired - usually is off at 830 on the dot (usually take him up at 745, 15 mins of stories then creep off.

Something else that helped was saying ‘pick a toy to take up to bed with you’ from the larger selection downstairs- obv not something flashing / noisy so a favorite duplo truck or similar small toy which helped get him enthused to get up the stairs

Caspianberg · 19/01/2022 20:32

21 month old here. He doesn’t need that many hours per day

Roughly:
8.30pm bed ( sometimes 9pm if faffing)
6.30am wake
Usually wakes 1-2 times overnight but settles quickly
Naps 1.30/2pm-3pm ( so 60-90mins)

I have a comfy armchair in his bedroom, some nights he allows us to leave, but if I have to settle him more than twice ( I don’t leave to cry at all), then I sit in the chair and read on kindle or phone whilst he sleeps. That way he sees my face with low kindle light, and I don’t mind so much as not a ‘waste’ of time.

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