How did your relationship with your DH change after a baby?

[Puppyseahorse]

Interested in others’ experiences. My DH is a solidly 50-50 partner, so I know I’ve got it better than a lot of women. However, since having our baby 6 months ago, things seem off. Our baby is not especially difficult and we have quite a lot of family support, so I feel guilty for struggling.

We rarely have time for each other anymore. We rarely have conversations that aren’t about the baby or general life drudgery. We don’t go out and do things, really. If we have an opportunity to get a break from the baby, we use it to sleep or do self-care like exercise. His job is demanding so he often works in evenings/ weekends. On the rare occasion where we have tried to go out together, we’ve just talked about the baby, or life drudgery. We used to travel together all the time and those were our special times together that we’d look forward to. For (several) obvious reasons, this is no longer possible.

We are both quite worn down by our new lives, and we’ve become quite bickery/ snappy. Tried talking about it and coming up with ways to improve, but nothing has worked so far.

I thought I wanted more kids, but I’m not sure the relationship would survive if we had double the childcare burden.

I also feel a strange sort of resentment because the baby has had such a huge impact on my body/ emotions/ career, and he hasn’t had to deal with any of that.

I can see how a lot of relationships just deteriorate at this point. Does it get better?

This is really common. It does get better as they get a bit older. We found we deteriorated less the second time, as we knew what to expect.
You do have much less time for each other so you have to make special time. If evenings are tricky get a relative to take your baby for a few hours and go out for a nice lunch, make a special effort to reconnect by talking about whatever used to bring you together.
I think lockdown has made all this worse as with people working from home we never get a break from our families or the drudgery of baby care either.
Don't forget the sleepless nights will make you snappy.
A friend's mum says no couple should ever be allowed to split up in the first year after a baby. Tbh I think that should be two years. Things got much better for us after age 2.
It's good that you're talking about this. Keep communicating.

The resentment also lessens as they get older as they can share the burden more equally and you will get some you time back

Yes absolutely, I started a thread about it when this happened to me, and DS is now 15 so the memories haven't faded much.

The early months/ years are just hard work. It's fantastic that your DP is doing his share. If possible try to get out occasionally without baby, just to reconnect on non parental matters.

It will get easier but it does take a bit of time years.

Honestly your baby is only 6 months- all emphasis is on this tiny human, you can’t expect your old life at the moment. It comes back though, just need to be realistic.

Me too puppyseahorse. SOLIDARITY

Ultimately I find mat leave boring as fuck. I’ve had two in two years now and I’m so done with it. The nappies, the nap schedule the chaos if you don’t adhere to said schedule , the constant battle for everything from putting on socks to eating breakfast.

It’s a big change and it has certainly altered my relationship. When he gets home from work I’m like ‘this happened, then this AND OH MY GOD THIS HAPPENED’ and he dutifully takes them both for an hour so I can just exist without crying/whining. We take it in turns to sleep in the other room because then only one of us is exhausted beyond belief in the morning. The only time we talk, it’s about the kids, how they’ve been or who is teething blah blah.. no challenging conversations about things that are happening in the world or excitement about our date/going out for food. No planning things to look forward to, just existing in an infinite loop.

I’ve got to be honest, I much preferred when I worked a few months in between mat leaves. We had other things to talk about. We had exciting things happening professionally so we’re excited to talk to each other after work when he was in bed.

How long are you planning to take off?
Do you think it would improve if you went back?

Your baby is only 6 months. This is totally normal. Give it time.

Yes OP sounds like my life

DD is now 3.5 and in a way it’s got worse (sorry) as whereas when she was a baby I could leave her with DH for a bit, now she is super-clingy to me and if I try to go out without her (or even try to do something in the house without her like have a bath / use my exercise bike while DH watches her) she has a complete meltdown. Whereas if DH wants to go out he just walks out the door without any repercussions!

Having said that I do now get a break while she’s at preschool.

We have stopped at one child. I know when I’m at capacity and for me that’s one child

Thanks everyone, it’s a relief to know that I’m not alone. I think my concern is- ok, say it takes 2-3 years for things to get back to normal- will the relationship ever be the same after that? How much damage will have been done to it?

@FTEngineerM I went back recently. I hope it helps in the medium term, because like you I found leave quite boring, but right now I’m struggling with being away from the baby and feeling additionally resentful that my DH never felt the same way. It also means that on weekends I prefer to be with the baby, rather than taking some time to do something nice with DH.

I thought my marriage was rock solid before having a baby. We'd been together for 10 years by then and he was my best friend. I would never have predicted that our relationship would change so dramatically, but it did.

We're totally equal parents (50/50 childcare, both work part time, both did shared parental leave etc.) so that isn't the issue. We both have hobbies, friends and fulfilling careers, so that's not it either. The relationship is as balanced as it ever was.

I think what's changed for me is that I just don't have the same emotional bandwith as I did before. Now all my emotional energy (and patience!) is taken up our child and her wellbeing. Plus we don't really have sex anymore - when do people find the time and energy to do that?! It's not a massive issue for either of us, but I think it probably contributes to feelings of disconnection.

Anyway, we're 2.5 years in and still not back on track (sorry!), but I'm hopeful that we'll get there in time. We do still love and respect each other.

@Puppyseahorse

Thanks everyone, it’s a relief to know that I’m not alone. I think my concern is- ok, say it takes 2-3 years for things to get back to normal- will the relationship ever be the same after that? How much damage will have been done to it?

@FTEngineerM I went back recently. I hope it helps in the medium term, because like you I found leave quite boring, but right now I’m struggling with being away from the baby and feeling additionally resentful that my DH never felt the same way. It also means that on weekends I prefer to be with the baby, rather than taking some time to do something nice with DH.

Why can't you do something nice together all day you as a family?

The thing is your life and relationship is never going to go back to what it was before. My kids are at the ages now where they stay up later in the evenings and don't nap etc. We can't compartmentalise our time as a couple and our time as parents. It just doesn't happen that way. As blunt as it sounds you need to accept that neither of you is the number one priority anymore and that DC is.

What that means in practical terms is finding new ways of spending quality time together and new ways of showing each other affection.

@TimmyNook do you have any suggestions for how you’ve managed to do this effectively?

The baby isn’t at an age where we can do things together yet. She doesn’t nap well when out and about, so it’s hard to leave the house for very long. We tried to go on holiday and it was an absolute disaster!

What you’ve described makes me feel quite sad for the future, as it doesn’t sound like a relationship really- more like co-parenting.

Honestly once your baby has calmed into a rhythm it gets easier. My youngest - 14 months- now sleeps 7pm-7am- that gives us an evening if we want to eat dinner today etc- you can have a babysitter. I opt for dinners out with my husband- more recently I prefer, it I can get family to watch the kids- to go play a quick hour of tennis or go bowling or something.

I think it just depends. The first few months your relationship inevitably does take a back seat a bit, but we had been together 8 years before DD arrived, so it felt very much like a short-term disruption I suppose. And actually in the newborn phase we probably spent even more time together as he was off work for a month!

I think gradually when sleep gets better and you can enjoy trips out, it gets better. We have our evenings to ourselves mostly, and weekend days we do things all together. I don't really recognise not having stuff to talk about other than DD, maybe we did at first but it doesn't feel as all-consuming now I suppose. We still do stuff together in the evenings, just like we did pre-DD.

Also I think it's easy to conflate relationship and lifestyle. Your lifestyle won't ever be the same, no, but your relationship can be, in terms of affection and enjoying the time you spend with each other. But your life is irrevocably changed and that means the lifestyle you had probably won't ever be quite the same again. But that doesn't mean your relationship is worse in any way.

This is us too. Our DD is 18 months and things have changed. The newborn phase was great as DH really stepped up and supported me after difficult birth - I felt loved up. But since DD could move around she had a sleep regression and also became quite an energetic handful and the resentment kicked in. Seeing him WFH hasn't helped - feeling envious of all the little coffee breaks and wishing I could sit at a computer instead of being full time carer to toddler and doing all the drudgery. Not helped because our childcare option fell through and we have been on a waiting list due to Covid so I've had to delay my return to self-employment. The resentment is real. We bicker now and have had full blown arguments. Before baby we never had a cross word. I rely on wine.

We talked about counselling but realised that what we need is time. We have no family support. If you do then can you book in some babysitting and go out together for dinner, cinema, spa, sport or whatever you enjoy?

I'd love to hear what others have done to improve things. I want my marriage to work and I want to feel happy and loved up as we used to. We also want another child but I'm dreading the impact. I felt like having a baby was like throwing a hand grenade into our marriage. I'm hoping that another hand grenade can't do much more damage as we know what to expect. I hope so anyway.

It's hard not to spend my time wishing these baby years away.

Sorry for the essay!

My DH is also 50/50 but I found that I still struggled with being the primary caregiver to a breastfed baby. I felt resentment that he didnt have to think twice about going to the loo or a shower. I remember having a massive cry when he asked if he could go for a walk for a few hours because I was so jealous that I felt I couldnt.
It gets easier. DC is now 18 months and in nursery and we try and book a day off work every couple of months while DC is in nursery and have a date day - go tot he cinema or out for lunch. It helps reset things somewhat. Is that an option for you?

You're only 6 months in - you're in the eye of the storm! It gets easier. Ds is 3 now and a total joy. He goes to pre-school every morning and his dad and I have a lovely date lined up. Try to accept your relationship is kind of on the back burner for the time being and soak up the fleeting baby stage. What I wouldn't give for my 3 year old to want to cuddle me all day like a baby.

I'm surprised anyone can not be aware that having a baby changes your life completely. Did you really think it would be like getting a dog? You'll get your life back eventually, don't worry. You just have to put parenthood squarely at the centre of your expectations for now. You've only been going for six months, brace yourself, you won't be the most important person in your own life for years yet - although there will be opportunities to get out and about as time goes on. You can still travel, you just need to plan for all three of you instead of two. Quit fretting about what you used to have and build a new relationship that includes baby too.

@SpeedRunParent when did I say I thought it would be like getting a dog?

Actually, when we got our dog our relationship did change quite a lot as she was in the bed all the time!

@SpeedRunParent

I'm surprised anyone can not be aware that having a baby changes your life completely. Did you really think it would be like getting a dog? You'll get your life back eventually, don't worry. You just have to put parenthood squarely at the centre of your expectations for now. You've only been going for six months, brace yourself, you won't be the most important person in your own life for years yet - although there will be opportunities to get out and about as time goes on. You can still travel, you just need to plan for all three of you instead of two. Quit fretting about what you used to have and build a new relationship that includes baby too.

I think that's a bit unfair. Of course everyone knows having a baby will change your life. But no-one really knows what that looks like until its happened to them. One imagines tiredness, but one can't really imagine how cumulative tiredness impacts on you until it happens. Like the OP my marriage was rock solid and happy so I would never have predicted the bickering.

@SkyHi @Puppyseahorse
I didn't mean it to sound barbed, it just amazes me that anyone expects anything other than total immersion in 'baby world' so early on. Embrace it, be patient, it'll evolve. Your relationship will evolve. Being parents together is a gift ( a tough one albeit), learn to value the growth you experience as Co-parents, you will not be the people you were at the other end of it. Build your new relationship in the rare moments you do get and find joy in the shared learning. The first years are full of new happenings, let yourself enjoy them which you can't do if you're fretting about getting back to who you were.

I'm quite confident that we are weird, but things have been OK for us.

We only really ever talk about DD and every day life drudgery but we like it like that. We are saddos and love talking about what she did when I was at work or when DH was at work. We went out for the day and left her in nursery the other week and both missed her. We don't feel like we need couple time without her really, I feel as though that was life before DD and now it's about life as a trio. But I know lots of parents do date nights and get the in laws to babysit, hence the thought that it is us who are unusual. Perhaps I will eat my words, DD is 18 months now.

I don't think what you describe is unusual though. I know plenty who have had their marriages pushed to the limits, especially if one doesn't feel understood by the other etc.

I found getting a puppy harder in all honesty. We've discussed getting another (we had three and have just lost one) and we both said another baby would be less of a PITA, and DD wasn't an easy baby. She's never napped well and was very sicky.

I also like DH more now than I did before. He's come into his own since becoming a parent.

I think most couples struggle with the shift when you have a baby - it's tiring, you constantly have to put a small person first, you have to make choices all day long, there's more laundry, you know more about bodily functions that you'd like to. We had lots of discussions after DC1 was born trying to find that right balance of baby time, me time, us time, work time and it's constantly shifting. I think the big thing for me was having to make the effort as a couple on a regular basis - it's a quick snog in the kitchen, putting your phone down when they're talking, not having a tiredness competition (though we did this the other day and agreed it was stupid because we were both knackered).

We've always been pretty flexible with things like naps and mealtimes, so it means we think nothing of hopping in the car for a day out. DC1 is a shit sleeper, nothing made any difference so you might as well go out and have a good time, and DC2 is a classic second baby who just grabs what we can, when he can and has to get on with it. There's loads of stuff you can do with a young baby that you can't with a toddler/preschooler - a trip to an art gallery is pretty much impossible with our 4yo, as is any meal that takes longer than 15 minutes to come out and isn't pizza or chips. Without wishing to sound like a patronising old git, I'd try to make the most of your time now before you can only eat in pizza hut and visit soft play.

Going through a similar thing right now. How are things for you now OP? Our babies must be the same age as my DS is 7 months.
We decided to buy a house that needed fully renovating as well, which my partner has had to do all himself and now we are at breaking point. I think I just feel like we’ve lost eachother and become really distant and it’s making me so sad. Praying that it gets better/easier