What would you do?

[BlanketyBlanks]

I have SS15 from a DH’s previous marriage who stays EOW. He has his own space in our office to play on his PC. He doesn’t spend any time in his bedroom, except to sleep.

We have a 3 bed house and 2 children 3 and 1. The 1 year old isn’t sleeping through yet and wakes the 3 year old so we don’t want them to share. We’ve just explained this to SS15 who has been there when both kids were crying in the night and explained he will be sharing with DS1 when he comes to stay now so DS2 can have his own room. He says he’s fine with it and isn’t bothered at all as he only sleeps there.

I would like to get a bed in a bed trundle thing that we pull out every time SS is staying with a good quality mattress but DH says it feels like SS is a guest then. The problem is the room he’ll be sharing is absolutely tiny and if we put a single bed in with DS1s toddler bed, DS1 will have no floor space to play and with the bed not being used 80% of the time, it just seems really unfair on DS.

I feel like DH doesn’t care about our son and the fact his bedroom will be taken over by a bed that his brother isn’t using most of the time. SS has his own bedroom at his house so surely it’s just about making sure he has a space to sleep and place to do his homework and hobbies (our office)?

We tried Bunkbeds as I thought DS would still have floor space then, except they were massive and took up most of the room too.

Please be kind. I’m not an evil stepmum, I love my SS, I’ve known him for 8 years now. I do want him to keep coming. I just feel DH is putting him before my DS when he’s not even bothered about it.

Imagine how your Dh feels. You say he’s putting his eldest before the kids he has with you. But he has 3 kids, and they are all equal in his eyes. You need to understand that. The little ones aren’t more important to him, why would they be?
Also you say stepson doesn’t mind, I expect he will. In fact I’m certain he will. He just can’t say it. What 15 year old wants to sleep on a pull out bed in a tiny room with a 3 year old?

@MissyB1 so wwyd in this scenario? Give SS his own room that’s only used EOW and have the little ones sharing and waking each other up?

If SS lived with us, I would be giving him his own room and my DC would have to share. But he doesn’t live here so seems unfair we’re all suffering from bad sleep when there’s an empty bedroom there 12 nights out of 14.

I would say if your SS is happy with the pull out bed option then that’s fine. When I was 14+ I stayed at my dads every weekend & shared a room with my two stepsisters age 2&6. They had bunk beds and I had one of those fold up camp beds. I didn’t feel like a guest, it just made sense. I had far more important things to worry about.

Actually they were 3&6 but same thing

@ijustdontknow123

I would say if your SS is happy with the pull out bed option then that’s fine. When I was 14+ I stayed at my dads every weekend & shared a room with my two stepsisters age 2&6. They had bunk beds and I had one of those fold up camp beds. I didn’t feel like a guest, it just made sense. I had far more important things to worry about.

Yes I don’t think he is bothered at all. He’s really easy going and when I was explaining he’d have to give up his room as baby was waking everyone up he said it was fine and said “and I’m not just saying that!”

Can't you give the two little ones a room each and then on the weekends when the teenager stays, put the two small ones in together just for those two nights to give the older one his own room to sleep in?

@modge

Can't you give the two little ones a room each and then on the weekends when the teenager stays, put the two small ones in together just for those two nights to give the older one his own room to sleep in?

Both bedrooms are small. One is a box room and can only fit the cot in or a bed. The cot is a wooden one and can’t be moved out the door.

The other bedroom has a toddler bed in and is small too. This is where DH wants to put a single bed but then there will be no floor space at all for DS1.

So there is nowhere for a single bed to go unless it was one that folded or was stored away. The problem isn’t him having his own room but that DH wants a bed that’s permanent there for him whilst I think it’s fine to have one that we can store away when he’s not here.

I’d try to figure out a way for him to get his own space. Can you work something out with the office? Like a high sleeper bed with desk underneath or a chair bed that pulls out into a single. Failing that, I’d put a bed and a cot in the 1YOs room and when he’s staying the 1YO comes in with you or shares with the 3YO sleeping in a travel cot.

It seems your dss is fine with it. I don’t see the issue. Discuss the trundle option with dss and ask if he’s happy with it or whether he wants his own separate bed. I seriously doubt he’d care, he’s already sleeping in a 3 year old’s bedroom. If he prefers spending time in the office then just ensure you always keep that space available for him so he doesn’t feel pushed out.

X post, I don’t see the issue with a folding bed at all! But I wouldn’t have him share with a toddler.

look at Wallbeds, not a cheap option but fab, fold flat against the wall when not in use and can be pulled down so easily to give a decent bed and proper mattress.

I would just keep the 1 year old in your bedroom when Ds stays.

So 3 year old gets own bedroom. 1 year old cot in other and travel cot in your room.
12 days out of 14 1 year old has own room then, and just shares yours 2 days to sleep.

The room 1 year old and 15 year old share you can keep relatively toy free, so it’s the other bedroom 3 year old in that holds 90% of their toys, and they play in there. So doesn’t matter if less floor space in other

Add proper single with drawers under for 15 year old. Maybe the ikea daybed type one. Then can use as sofa when he’s not there. And the drawers under as decent storage for 15 year old to leave stuff there. Handy as can use as double in future if stepson likely to stay as adult.

www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/hemnes-day-bed-frame-with-3-drawers-white-90349326/

In a few years you can review once both children sleeping through.

@LakeShoreD

I’d try to figure out a way for him to get his own space. Can you work something out with the office? Like a high sleeper bed with desk underneath or a chair bed that pulls out into a single. Failing that, I’d put a bed and a cot in the 1YOs room and when he’s staying the 1YO comes in with you or shares with the 3YO sleeping in a travel cot.

This is a good idea. Except the office is a garden office so he’d be outside which i dont think is right.

Can I asked why you wouldn’t want him sharing with a 3 year old? Bearing in mind he just goes to bed when he’s finished on his PC and 3 year old wakes up at 7 and comes into our room?

@Caspianberg

I would just keep the 1 year old in your bedroom when Ds stays.

So 3 year old gets own bedroom. 1 year old cot in other and travel cot in your room.
12 days out of 14 1 year old has own room then, and just shares yours 2 days to sleep.

The room 1 year old and 15 year old share you can keep relatively toy free, so it’s the other bedroom 3 year old in that holds 90% of their toys, and they play in there. So doesn’t matter if less floor space in other

Add proper single with drawers under for 15 year old. Maybe the ikea daybed type one. Then can use as sofa when he’s not there. And the drawers under as decent storage for 15 year old to leave stuff there. Handy as can use as double in future if stepson likely to stay as adult.

www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/hemnes-day-bed-frame-with-3-drawers-white-90349326/

In a few years you can review once both children sleeping through.

This is not a bad idea. SS doesn’t have anything at ours except a phone charger though. It would mean that 3 year old would have to move to the box room (which is where 1 year old is) as there is no room for a cot and a single bed in the box room. 3 year old would not have a lot of floor space but maybe we could look at making him a cabin bed over the bulkhead.

[quote BlanketyBlanks]@MissyB1 so wwyd in this scenario? Give SS his own room that’s only used EOW and have the little ones sharing and waking each other up?[/quote]
No I would take the 1year old in with you.

If 15 year old doesn’t need much storage then the under bed drawers can be for anything else. Bedding/ out of season clothes.
Maybe if he has one drawer he might keep a few xtra basics there though like chargers, pjs, spare jumper which your dh might like

I think an easy compliant 15 year old will see there's a problem agree with your solution to be reasonable and feel guilty and not tell you that they hate sharing with the toddler and thus find excuses not to stay.

I suspect your DH knows this is what his son is going to do and is trying to avoid it.
He will be feeling pushed out.
A 15 year old and a toddler have completely different sleep patterns, bed times, up times and needs and his sleep will be sacrificed for everyone else's. He will also have no where to chill and hang.
Split the children up but move them back together or one in with you when your DSS is there.
At 15 he can't be forced to stay and needs to want to stay which he won't want to do.

@negomi90 but this is based on the assumption that he doesn’t actually mean what he says. There is no space in the baby’s room for a bed for SS too so it would mean DS1 having to change rooms so SS could have the bigger room and baby go in there too. All on the assumption that he is not meaning what he says when he says he’s fine with a pull out bed.

DS goes to sleep at 7:30 and doesn’t wake til 12 hours later. He then gets into our bed. So SS gets an unbroken nights sleep. The issue is DH wants a permanent bed in there whereas I think a trundle bed is fine.