What does it feel like when you love your baby?

[GlumBear]

I have a 7 month old DD, who is a sweet baby and very chilled out. I'm worried that I don't love her the way I should as I feel I am just going through the motions of caring for her sometimes. Part of me knows something is wrong and I need to talk to someone, I just can't put my finger on what the problem is so am hoping for some perspective here. I know things can't be sunshine and roses all the time but I don't feel like I am close to that at all currently.

When DD was born I had a long labour and an emergency c section and was not able to breastfeed for various reasons (managed to express for a couple of months) - I feel bad about this which I know isn't helping. DD seems to have multiple allergies (alongside CMPA) we are discovering through weaning which is hard. Every time a new food is added to the bad list I feel very down.

I'm a FTM and seem to have lost all confidence in doing anything outside the house - I have not been for anything more than walks or lunch at this point. With covid around it has been easy to avoid doing anything more. My husband works full time so I am not pressured to do anything during the week I don't want to and we are happy resting at home together at the weekend if we don't have errands to do. My husband does as much as he can outside work hours and absolutely adores DD - I don't think how I feel has anything to do with how much he does at all.

The feelings came to a head this weekend (also had my period) and I feel really awful to the point where I don't feel like I even like DD now. I care for her as normal - fed, changed, entertained, walks outside - but I feel quite empty inside. Very 'meh'.

I am just getting through the day now, and objectively it feels like I am wasting my mat leave. Has anyone else felt like this before, and how did you move through this? How do you feel inside when you are with your baby?

I am going back to work in a few weeks and I feel like I should be so much more and better for my DD than how I am now.

I think going back to work will be really good for you. 7 months in can start to feel pretty claustrophobic.

I am sure other advice will be along soon

I felt like this when I was going through the perimenopause but not when I had new babies.

Covid has meant that everything is just more ‘meh’ and the joy we get out of life is diminished. In saying that, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a touch of PND.
GEtting back to work may help, also try and do some enjoyable things just for you. If these don’t help I would see your GP

You should understand that you need to feel better for yourself and be graceful for everything good you have. Hope the change of the routine will help you soon.

I saw someone talking about how she had found bonding difficult with her baby so she tried baby wearing and hasn’t looked back, apparently.

I think it's normal to get down with the drudge of being a mum to a small baby, particularly when society has a hugely romanticised view of being a mother. Truth is a lot of the time it's tiring, boring, unrewarding and a lot of people can't wait to get back to work.
Having said all that it's possible you have post natal depression, particularly when you talk about feeling empty and wanting to withdraw from all activities. I would speak to your GP or self refer to Mind or another mental health service if possible x

@Merrlin

You should understand that you need to feel better for yourself and be graceful for everything good you have. Hope the change of the routine will help you soon.

That’s not a supportive remark. It sounds like the OP could have post natal depression. ‘Be grateful and snap out of it’ - just really?!

DS is 6 months. I can empathise. His needs have to be the priority but it often feels like a chore and utterly relentless. I tried giving him breakfast this morning, homemade purée and he refused it all. I loathe spending 30 minutes preparing food and sitting with him to eat only for him to refuse and have to breastfeed him anyway. All I do is attempt to feed him and get him to sleep at the moment. It’s also really lonely, there’s only so much “yes darling that’s the red one” and “oh look at this sock” I can do. I force myself to go out to one group a week which helps and leave the house at least 3 days. As for love I think it grows. I don’t really enjoy caring for DS, but I do it. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love him would I? Don’t get me wrong, there are lovely moments but they are few and far between.

Babies come with a pile of drudgery and it can be hard to find the fun with them. They cannot communicate, make suggestions, often seem unreasonable and allergies and health issues create anxiety.

Although I loved my DCs, I felt we bonded throughout their early years. It wasn't an instant understanding and connection. My DC don't remember being babies, and neither of them think babies look appealing either. They are more fun now and are different challenges.

I would say this sounds like post natal depression, I struggled for such a long time after my DD was born , the change of lifestyle was just such a shock. Could you speak to your doctor maybe ? Please don't be too hard on yourself OP, you look after her and keep her entertained and healthy, that's being a good mum xxx

I would agree that children get more interesting as they grow and develop. Also when it’s your first baby your life changes dramatically and it is a shock.

Op, sounds like you may have PND. How about making an appt with your GP?

Also, what do you enjoy doing? I'd try to do as much of that as possible - see a friend, watch your fav comedy on TV, go for a run, whatever you enjoy.

Baby care can be extremely boring and tedious but in the gentlest way I do think what you describe doesn’t sound quite right OP and it might be a good time to chat to your GP or Health visitor about how you feel.

Firstly, it sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job for your daughter. I don’t know anyone who isn’t occasionally crippled by mum-guilt. Mum who exclusively breastfed and adored her baby: mum-guilt. Mum who pumped and returned to a job she loved early: mum-guilt. Mum who has 3 amazing kids that are streets ahead of any others I know because her parenting is so good: mum-guilt. Mum of autistic kid negotiating a difficult divorce whilst still meeting all the kid’s needs: mum-guilt. It is shit but seems universal and is a problem with society, not us. Keeping that in mind helps me take mine less seriously.

I do think returning to work might help just in terms of giving you some variety and adult company outside your family. But I also think the numbness might indicate depression so I’d contact your GP or self-refer to your local nhs mental health service (if you Google IAPT in your area you should be able to do it online without even needing to talk to someone) because referrals can be slow - if you find you don’t need it by the time you get to the top of the waiting list you can just withdraw then.

Keep going. It’s hard but worth it and you’re doing great.

I didn't bond with/love either of my children until they were about 1.5 years old. First time round it was definitely PND but the second time was purely because I find babies tedious and boring. I got no joy out of it.

There is some weird expectation that a mother always falls deeply in love with a baby once it's born. It's not talked about enough, that sometimes that just doesn't happen - I wouldn't meet a new partner or get a new pet and form that deep love for them straight away, in my eyes a newborn is no different.

Continue to care for, protect and meet all your child's needs - it really is enough and the love will come.

Mine are all over 20 yrs old now and I couldn't be more bonded and feel so much love and protection towards them.

This is so hard. I also had an emergency c section & DS went to NICU and I was too unwell to go too.
I did manage to breastfeed eventually but it was fraught and so hard and I was exhausted. I had PND and life was a daily struggle. I was suicidal lots.

Mine also has multiple allergies and it's really been a slog to be honest.

I always loved him, the best way I can describe it is when we had calm moments together my heart was sort of happy. I'd protect him with my life & despite the slog that was the early days I kept getting up and kept it all going & that was out of love for him. It's not always that perfection you see on Instagram.

Please can I reassure you that he's 2 now and he's an absolute joy. His allergies are known and managed and although it's still stressful at times we're better at it. Life got immensely easier and I would change it for the world. He taught me to me a mum and by god it was a learning curve but we're learning and figuring this out together.

I think a lot of women feel like this tbh. Remember your baby is essentially a stranger and I don't think it's always realistic to expect to love a stranger immediately - you're getting to know them and they're getting to know you. I feel like I loved my son more and more as time went on - he's six now and I still love him more and more with every passing year. At 7 months I was in a total fug and still wondering what on earth I'd done.

I think we are sometimes too quick to label PND - having a baby upends your life. It's hugely difficult and we need to recognise that. Be kind to yourself because it will get better.

@Itsnotover, I didn't mean to offence anybody. I just wanted to say, that the OP should better concentrate on positive aspects, cause sonner or later she'll understand her feeling towards hed DD, and this can be only live. And yes, I think it's sth alike depression or a lack of any other distraction like work outside the routine.

Thanks for all your responses - I appreciate the pointers for online referrals for help too. I would rather not talk to anyone about this at the moment and if the time comes and I don't need help anymore I can drop out of the queue. I hope that chatting through some of my thoughts can help me make sense of some of the upheaval that has happened and I can straighten things out in my head.

I think @PurBal and @TheCatShatInTheHat have articulated what I feel the best here - thank you for this. Part of my problem is probably due to me thinking I would know what I am doing by now, or that I would be totally in love with DD by now. I do not live the Instagram life though so it follows I should not expect everything to be perfect now either.

@kittykat33 - I totally get the moments that I'm 'sort of happy' which is why I wasn't sure if this is PND at all. You sound like you could be me in the future which makes me feel a lot better. It is a slog but I know that this will eventually get better.

OP, being a parent means you will always be learning and negotiating around a new behaviour/different stage.

It's all so very new to you, please don't beat yourself up by thinking you are any different to the rest of us - we all didn't know what we were doing, because babies don't come with a book.

It gers easier because you gain confidence but you are still learning stuff when they become adults too.

My DS is 9 months and it is a lot of boredom, repetitiveness and just bleh. I do love him, especially in the last few months when he seems to have started liking us more - before he didn’t seem that bothered.

In terms of comparing yourself to your husband who you say adores your DD, well I adore my DS the most when he’s stayed at my parents for the night and I’m picking him up the next morning! He’s very adorable then, and also when he’s sleeping.

I don’t want to discourage you from seeking support if you feel you need it, but honestly I feel like this too and I feel mentally well and resilient.

I think it’s just when you’re with the baby constantly it’s a chore rather than a pleasure.