12 Year Old - Behaviour, LGBTQ and More

[NotAClueYearsLater]

First post - really, really struggling.

My child has always been a little different, quirky you could say and during primary school struggled to make friends. I had lots of conversations with teachers and ultimately the key issue appeared to be only child syndrome i.e. being bossy and rubbing the other kids up the wrong way. However they were so loving, kind and a pleasure to be around.

Since starting high school, my child has made friends (which I'm thrilled about) but due to COVID ended up in a bubble of kids that appear to want to "out do" one another on being the most 'damaged'. I know this sounds awful of me to say, but they trade stories to appear to one another they've had the worst upbringing and therefore the 'coolest'. This is a high performing school albeit in a not so great area.

In year 1, the damage competition became a little trying with stories coming home that my child themselves has fabricated, telling me about stuff that has happened to them (nothing serious) but still, the lying has been grating. I know the stories are false as many of them are at home. My child then told me very randomly whilst watching a Disney film, that they're a lesbian and I must confess, I could've taken the news better, and have subsequently apologised. Most of the children in the friendship circle are LGBTQ+ in one sense or another and again, they appear to want to one up one another.

Now as you may be able to tell, in year 2 of secondary, my child has told me they're trans. Again, this has been a process of me accepting but I must be honest, I don't think I'm quite there yet. I found out as the school called me referring to my child by another name, a male name and it was a massive shock to the system. I should add that I've asked my child to wait until they're a little older to make such a life changing decision, which with hindsight is probably wrong of me, but I'm concerned that they're making life altering statements as part of the friendship group and may struggle to 'go back' if this isn't something they want to pursue when they're older.

Things have since escalated, and my child has chosen to have sex with a male - arranged over Discord. This has been incredibly stressful with police involvement, exclusion from school, social workers and medical tests. Subsequently, I've taken away access to technology and i now drive my child to and from school, which is difficult as I have a well paid job. We've had many discussions and made agreements following the above; leading me to believe we were potentially moving to a more positive path. I asked why/how this has happened as I was under the impression they were a lesbian however I'm now told they're pansexual.

Unfortunately my child's father and I haven't been together for many years however he plays an active role in their life. Every weekend they see their father but I've now had 3 instances of technology being smuggled into our home; with desperate tears of wanting to speak to friends. This has led to further discussions and agreements but has impacted the family dynamic heavily as its another thing to worry about every Sunday upon return. My relationship with my partner is very strained following everything as we're consistently waiting for 'whats next'.

I'm now at my wits end and I just don't know what to do. I've suggested counselling, speaking to a GP, I've been empathetic, I've been angry, I've been supportive, I've asked immediate family to support and I get back little to nothing. There will be a brief agreement of improved behaviour but it ultimately leads to snappy, snarky, nasty comments and obviously the need to be in contact with friends at whatever cost. I thought the conversation with the police would support my stance of limiting technology but nothing seems to phase them. My child truly hates me - they refer to me as toxic, transphobic, homophobic and a liar. If I give chores its met with child labour speech and stories from 5-6 years ago where I've said something that's upset them. The most recent was my child telling me another child called them fat. Whilst they aren't big, I took it as an opportunity to teach them about nutritional values and this resulted in them saying I fat shamed them.

Admittedly, I put my hands up and say, I could've handled everything x100 better but I want to support my child, I want to have a good relationship and I want them to lead a happy, positive life - as whomever that might be. My challenge right now is, I don't know how to. I'm laid awake at night terrified, worried and upset. My immediate thought is to speak to a GP and see if we can get family counselling but as they're so resistant, I don't know if that will upset things further.

I know this is long, I know I haven't been a good mum, I just want to do everything i can to make this better. Your advice is more than welcome.

You poor woman. It sounds absolutely hellish.

Your child has obviously got sucked into something much bigger than themselves. Little 12 year old girls should not be thinking about having sex or who they want to have sex with or even understanding nonsense terms like ‘pan sexual’.

There is support on the LGB boards and also feminising chat for parents in your situation. You’ll be met with kindness not judgement. This isn’t your fault. I think the technology thing is great that you have banned it. It’s very very bad for our children.

I would move schools as the first thing. You say you have a well paying job. I would try to get her into a private school. They have much less truck with all the absolute nonsense young girls seem to spout of late.

I would also read ‘irreversible damage’ by Abigail Shrier. You have already done one of the hardest things by banning tech.

My heart goes out to you.

I appreciate that this is upsetting for you but you can't punish a child into being 'normal', and your approach is punitive - cutting an unhappy child off from their social group is never going to make them inclined to obey you.
While your child could benefit from some sex education about self-protection and boundaries as they are too young to be meeting randoms for sex, teens and pre-teens have always gone through phases of exploring their identity which seem silly or annoying or even scary to their parents. If they want to call themselves by other names or try on different labels, it doesn't matter - what is important is that they remain kind, courteous and ethical in their dealings with other people (as much as one can at 12).

Honestly I would move schools. The friendship circle sounds toxic. Keep being steady. Your child needs constancy as she tries to find her way.

Hi, I want to pop in a comment here. I think you are doing a great job. Thats a difficult situation. Unfortunately your child has had way too much exposure to identity politics at a young age. None of us really mind what our kids turn out to be - gay, bi, straight etc. But the process of getting there seems to be highly difficult and social media plays a big part in that.

I would get family therapy from someone who is experienced in this area and I would move schools. Technology is a no no - I'm not judging you but my 12 year old has no access to technology for exactly the reasons you have outlined above.
Try to manage your own mental health stuff also - its tricky, ignore the 'fat shaming, child labour' stuff. Just ignore and lay down your boundaries. I would defiitely move schools though.

Worth listening to some detrans people speak about their experiences/advice for parents.

Your child has been groomed. I'm assuming you gave them unrestricted access to the internet before this. Now it's time to focus on everything NOT online. Things you can do together, away from screens.
They need to know they are the most important person in your life.

We’ve been through Something very similar. Our Dd is 20 now, has found herself, and is truely lovely. But from the ages of 14-18 was just as you’re describing.
I can only speak from personal experience but the things which helped the most for us were;
1.saying ‘ I need a few moments to think about that’ that really helped with not regretting our responses, we did have to stand strong on that on many occasions as she goaded for responses.

1. Keeping her really occupied and not alone( as dd self harmed) eg. Cooking, baking walking the dog
2. Took her to the gp, she was put on the ocp to regulate her hormones whilst waiting for an appointment to Tavistock gender clinic. Helped her to take pills properly.
3. However much we hated her/ behaviour in that moment ( years actually!) don’t show it, show patience snd love! ( yes it’s beyond bloody hard)
4. Support her together, and support each other
5. Out dd moved school. (Very traumatic but ultimately positive)

Just love her through it!

Hope you are ok OP.

I'm quite concerned you say your child has chosen to have sex with a stranger. No they (she I assume?) hasn't. She has been groomed. She has been abused. She is the victim here, not a willing participant.