Going from 1 to 2 children

[FeelSoAwful]

Ok so talk to me honestly about what it was like for you going from 1 to 2 children.. my second child is due in a few weeks and am trying to mentally prepare myself….!

@Weredone

Has anyone got any advice for preparing for potential regression and jealousy?

My older DS reacted badly to the baby initially, but things got better once I started occasionally "telling the baby off". This meant saying words to the baby that were technically a telling off "now stop that crying, baby DD, you need to have your nap now, that's enough crying" although, crucially, not in a telling-off tone of voice, so the baby DD never got any negative message, and of course never took the slightest bit of notice. But the toddler DS heard the words and it was like a light went on -- "aha, this new baby and me, we're in the same boat". He was nicer to her after that.

That might not work with an older child, of course, because they would figure out that the baby doesn't understand you yet.

It's not twice the work... It's somehow much more. Also the early days is not the hardest bit. You know what to do with a baby now, so that bit I found easy, but it was when the baby was 4-18months that I found it just horrendously hard. Although that was also peak of the pandemic ..
Oldest wants something, but youngest is crawling away, baby crying whilst older one tantrums... All. Day. Long.
4 year gap should be easier though.
All that being said mine are now best friends and it's much easier and I'd quite like one more.

I read on here that one child is like having a pet. Two is having a zoo.

Its definitely more than twice the work.

But I found it a gentle introduction, and 4y is a biggish gap. You'll be fine, and whilst there will be hard moments, there will be so many where your heart just glows.

4 year age gap is nice. Mine have 4y 10 months between them and I like it because I feel I get 1:1 with them regualrly. Eldest is 6 is little one 15 months. The hardest thing is their differing stages when together. We don't have issues with tantrums with our 6 year old but we do have issues with them having entirely different toys (lego, sylvanians etc he will try to wreck and/or eat), entirely different bedtimes (makes for a long day!), fitting in naps round school runs, 15 month old wanting up to the table when she's trying to do homework, entertaining little one in back of the car while waiting for swimming lesson to end - stuff like that. But I think it's easier than juggling two babies with nappies, nap times and rough nights!

I think with a 4 year gap it won't be too bad for you. Can you start getting DD used to getting herself a drink or putting some healthy snacks in an accessible cupboard for her so if she can sort herself out with those things while you're busy with the baby?

Ive got a six year gap between my first two and found it an easy transition (although I'd forgotten how little they sleep and how much they poop) the two year gap between my youngest was harder, but encouraging a small amount of patience and independence definitely has helped.

I found 1-2 easier than 0-1, my eldest was 3 when her sister came along and it wasn’t that bad. As long as your eldest can communicate well, sleeps well, it’s fine!

3 year age gap - it's been fine. First couple of months were a bit tricky and tiring but ok since then.

Mine are just turned 3yo and 12 months. I'm so glad to see the end of sterilising bottles & making formula! Id say age 6-12 months was really really hard. I had feelings of regret at having him/wish I'd waited longer etc. I still find taking them both out on my own hard unless they go in a shopping trolley or the double pram as the eldest likes to run from me. It's still hard but getting easier. I think being 3 when baby is born will be easier than just turned 2 for sure

I found 0-1 harder than 1 to 2,

Have a 3 year gap, not as bad as I thought, do feel guilty that DS1 doesn't get anywhere near as much attention from me as DS2 is very unsettled, but they are very sweet together! DS1 gets a but jealous and starts playing up, I try to make time for just us and it helps and keeping his previous routine with childcare

Mine are 4 and 18 months now. It's absolutely fine now. In a nice routine where I feel like I can manage the day to day without being run off my feet. In the start youngest just lived in the carrier and came out for feeds and nappy changes! So hardly noticed her this way. It was mainly the lack of sleep and having an older one to manage during the day but it's all just an adjustment period!

I have four dc

Key bits of advice

Tell the dc that the baby loves them the best in the world, better than Mummy and Daddy, point out how the baby watches them whenever they are in the room etc etc. Give them a small job to be helpful when doing nappy changes (getting the clean nappy out etc) and make a lot of how you wouldn’t manage so well without them.

Never say you cant do something because of the baby (ie we will go to the park when the baby wakes up). Always blame yourself (we will go to the park when I have finished cleaning the kitchen)

Put eye hooks on the top of every door so you can close it and lock it shut so older dc can be excluded from rooms. So when I was bf the baby, older dc could be in the room I was in and the hall, but all the other rooms were shut and clipped so they couldnt get into trouble. When the baby was sleeping, I could shut the door and clip it so the older dc couldnt go in to “see if baby is awake yet”

Get older dc to entertain baby dc by showing them how to jump, somersault, eat with a spoon, pick up toys and put them in a basket, put shoes on etc etc. makes them feel glad to be ‘big and strong’ and not a puny baby and also gets then to do things you want them to.

Really try hard to get any dc that nap to nap at the same time

You need a safe space to put any dc under 2yr old on their own in case of emergency. So moses basket for infants, playpen for toddlers etc. That way they cant hurt each other and you can deal with the problem (flood, vomit, flames)

Work out a bedtime routine and stick to it rigidly. I would start with dinner at 5pm and would have all dc bathed and in bed by 7:15 and baby in a moses basket in the corner so I could have some dinner and chill before the evening jobs/dream feed and bed for me by 9. The only way it happened was planning ahead and a rigid routine. My friends were weirded out that I was so strict, but it meant that I had an evening and also on weekends I could deviate a little if we had friends over because the dc would snap back into the routine the next day as it was their normal.

Oh and also my DH worked away Mon thru Thurs, so it was all on me for most of the week.

Honestly? It was much easier than I expected! The first year with my firstborn went painfully slowly and was tough as I adjusted to motherhood. With DC2 it just seemed to fly by. Him being a baby went by in the blink of an eye. I worried about DC1 being jealous but he slept so much in the day that I still got to have quality time with DC1. They started fighting a little after DC2 turned 1 - simply because he'd start to grab toys from her etc. The only REALLY tough thing was the broken nights but like I said that phase passed quickly. I don't know what your age gap is - mine was 2 years. It's certainly full on having a feisty toddler and a newborn but it was nowhere near as bad as I'd expected. Once my second child was 1, my first child started pre-school, then school so it made everything more manageable.

Love it, better in my opinion. At 2 and 4 they okay with each other and I can do my own thing. As long as I don't mind a bit if mess 🤣 At two with my first he always wanted my opinion. My job now is to let them socialise each other and just make sure they don't injure each other 🤣

Play not okay

Attention not opinion- sorry 🤦‍♀️

I felt like work wise it's quadrupled rather than doubled.

This is very true

When you add in more children the noise and work goes up exponentially
So 2 DCs is 4x noise/ work and 3DCs is 9 times etc!!

But at some point they start entertaining each other! DCs can be sunshine and showers , best of friends, worst of friends depending on the day. Your job is to help them think about each other and be kind.

Another PP asked how you deal with regression and jealousy early on. I don't think that is a given. None of mine did this. But they were involved , so I asked older DS what do you think baby wants? And I asked baby oh what do you think big brother wants? And "she replied"(I interpreted and said I wonder if you're right , he's such a lovely big brother and you love him... shall we ask him ?" so mine "learnt" early on that they each had their own feelings and view points.

@SeaToSki has given top tips!!!
Yes - what she said too !!!

I have a 4 year old and just had a baby it’s great. She’s helpful, you just have to be more organised. So when I cook I batch cook two meals at the same time. When I take my daughter to bed I wash my face and brush my teeth in case it’s harder before I go to bed with the baby later.

@verytiredofbeingshoutedat my big boy was never jealous but isn't a jealous child. He doesn't like to share with baby but he doesn't like to share with anyone. Something we're working on.

We're thinking about DC3 soon because I want a smaller gap. It's harder at the beginning but I feel like the baby years are very hard and I want them out of the way and not get back into it once my youngest is 3 or 4.

[quote FeelSoAwful]@LifeIsBusy DD is 4, and oh she’s soooo excited. Something tells me that excitement will be replaced by “he doesn’t do anything, he’s boooooorrrrrring”[/quote]
Yep. My DS2 is 8 months now and DS3 is only just starting to notice he’s actually there. A lot of my friends kids were besotted with their younger sibling but my DS isn’t bothered. Im sure once DS2 can start chasing after him and playing it’ll change.

Btw it’s really easy in the beginning I found but once baby having set naps and waking easier, I spend most of my time trying to get DS2 to be quiet so he doesn’t wake the baby. It’s hard work.

I have a 3.5ish year age gap between DSs. My DS didn’t have a regression as such when baby was born but he did start to wet the bed a few times which he has literally never done before (we were amazingly lucky with potty training). So we knew it must be to do with baby DS, which I found very hard as I felt like I had ruined his life etc etc. however now baby DS is 15 weeks and I feel we have slotted into a kind of routine. I found those initial 5/6 weeks awful and honestly questioned what we had done as the house was a mess 24/7 like a bomb went off, I felt like I couldn’t spend proper time with older DS and was just ploughing my way through each day! But now I really enjoy my days with them both and baby DS genuinely is besotted with his big brother. It’s so lovely to see! 100% won’t be having any more though…

It was easier than going from 0-1 😆

Following as super useful thread!