Struggling to stay on top of things

[OhHappyDayyy]

Hello all. I have a lovely 16mo DD but I am really struggling. My issue is this:

My DD has always been very high needs. As a newborn it was reflux and allergies and now she just constantly wants to be carried or just wants constant attention and is just very sensitive to things (like teething for example), and so it's pretty much impossible to get much done around the house while she's awake. I nap when she naps as I am just so exhausted. The house gets really messy on the days that we are home- she constantly whines and fusses as I rush to make her meals and so washing up etc gets left until after bedtime. Once she's in bed, my husband and I start cleaning/tidying and getting on top of the house- she usually wakes up multiple times during this time and then frequently throughout the night most nights. If I decide to have an hour of "me time" I can end up sleeping at 2am! I know how ridiculous this is. I just don't know how to be more efficient or get stuff done in her waking hours. I try but she is just so unhappy and will scream and tantrum and cry. I understand that she needs to learn to play independently but I also worry that I'm not meeting her needs and not connecting with her as much as she is seeking it. I try and spend time outside of the house so minimise how messy the house gets but with covid and winter our options are limited. I am so tired of being tired. If I fell asleep and had no interruptions I'm pretty sure I could knock out for 15 hours straight! I need to break this cycle but I want to do it gently. I don't want her to feel ignored or neglected. She went through quite a rough newborn stage which I think has made her ultra sensitive in general and I want to support her through things and make her feel that she can trust me and that I'm present and listening. But I also need to stay on top of the house. I guess I am just about on top of things but I pay a hefty price i.e. my sleep and general wellbeing.

Please advise. Please be gentle, motherhood hasn't come naturally to me and I'm clearly still learning. I just want some balance in my life.

P.s. DH is extremely supportive and we split responsibilities equally- he works hard for long hours and I'm a SAHM. We've had this discussion tonight because we are both so utterly exhausted and want to find a solution.

I am thinking of getting a regular cleaner in to help with the deep cleaning once a week but I need to find a way to stay on top of the day to day.

Is it possible some children are just really difficult to work/live around? Or am I doing something really wrong? :(

Would you consider a sleep consultant??

I think you would find she is less clingy if her sleep was better.

That would be my first step.

But yes in the meantime get a cleaner. Can you clean the bathroom while she is in the bath? Try sitting her in her high chair and talking to her while you prep dinner? She’s also at an age where she could “help” clean. She could also help fold washing. Ask her to find all the socks or something.

At night one of you should go to bed at 7 and sleep until midnight uninterrupted and then take over the rest of the night while the other person sleeps. Then at least you both get a big chunk of time.

My DS (20 months) sleeps 11h straight through the night and I still can’t really get much done during his waking hours. He’s great at playing, but wants someone there to interact with all the time and gets very upset if he’s on his own. I can get a few chores done that he likes to ‘help’ with (unloading the washing machine, sweeping up or tidying up toys) but most things get left to the evening or weekends. I think a lot of it is down to the nature of your child to be honest - some are happy in their own company, some are not. He was very similar to your DC as a newborn.

I couldn’t cope if he didn’t sleep well, so don’t feel bad about changing things. We night weaned at about 11 months and it made the world of difference, but you’ll probably best getting some individual help.

I agree about getting a cleaner, that way you just need to make sure the house is tidy enough at the end of the day. Can you afford a couple of mornings in nursery? That would probably be a bit of a game changer for you.

This is what CBeebies is for- this is what their lunch times are for. Whilst they eat you potter, whilst they watch a couple of CBeebies shows you clean (ensure stair gates and baby proofing)- you can leave a toddler in a safe room whilst you do some chores.

If it were possible to get things done at home with a young child the rest of us wouldn't pay for childcare when working from home! Can you afford a cleaner? Could be worth thinking about sleep training.

She’s not too small to pop in a sling on your hip or back, could you do that while you do 20-30 min of sorting out?

Get her involved in chores too, like PP said emptying the washing machine, my DS also empties the dishwasher (I grab all sharps first) - he can put away everything at his level. They can also help tidying etc.

However, getting her sleep sorted sounds like the priority - have you tried any gentle sleep training?

Do jobs in the room they are in while they are occupied with something.

I'll put the TV on for and do a very quick tidy and vacuum the living room. Empty the dishwasher while she eats breakfast, wipe down the kitchen during lunch, clean the bathroom while she's in the bath etc.

You have to get used to working in very very short bursts and multi tasking. I never really sit down properly for a meal during the day and just eat on the go. Buy a toy vacuum cleaner, iron etc and get it out at the same time.

Also you need to just accept that they will be upset sometimes and have to deal with it. As long as all their needs have been met first it will be ok.

Dh and I also take shifts overnight. First person deals with waking til 1am, while the other puts in earplugs and sleeps. Then switch.

Nope.
You are not doing anything wrong.
Yes there are some I kids who are just extremely high needs and are extremely hard work. I know, my first was.

I found getting him involved with doing things extremely stressful and very counterproductive. Ending in 3 times the work, 10 times the stress.

No sleep, constantly needing supervision and thinking that the house needed to be spotless, all laundry done, lead to me becoming very unwell.

I had no cleaner, no help, no family support. My dh was like yours, did a big share too.

It was nothing short of daily hell and torture that went on all night too.
Miserable, it was miserable.

Going to work & sending him to playgroup/nursery was respite even though I was too exhausted to think clearly, at least I could make a coffee without noise, anxiety and the eyes in the back of my head could close.

I just had to see it through. Just wait til things got better.
Things do start to get a bit better.
More nursery hours, then school. Time apart helped loads.

As an introvert, I found it all very very difficult.
Plus no one understood. Friends kids at the same age/stage were totally different.
Things will get better.

When DS was that age (he was also a clingy/whingy baby and a terrible sleeper), I just aimed for little and often to keep on top of things. So if he was in his high chair for half an hour eating breakfast, I'd whiz around with the hoover and mop whilst still keeping an eye on him. If I needed to empty the dishwasher or put on a wash, I'd bring him with me and sit him nearby, talking about what I was doing. Mostly he'd still whinge and want to be picked up, but he got better and more interested in the tasks over time and now he loves to be involved in both!With toys, I've always taught from day 1 that we put one toy away before getting the next one out so we never have toy mess in any of the rooms and at just turned 3 he does this consistently on his own without prompting.

Saying all that, I've also accepted that lowering my standards around cleaning is inevitable while he's still so young and I don't have hours and hours at a time to dedicate to it whilst also working full time. I just aim to do what I can and in your shoes I think if a cleaner would help you feel more on top of things then absolutely do it.