Feel like I’m drowning

[Leadust92]

I don’t know what I want from this post, maybe reassurance?
My 15 month old DD has been tantrumming none stop now for almost 3 weeks. Meal times are awful, started refusing a lot of food and screaming about it so I can’t enjoy my food and just completely go off it. Nappy changes are hit and miss but when they are miss it’s awful, kicking legs, screaming, crying. Sometimes starts crying after so long in the car. Some days just taking something off her or not giving her something she wants results in her banging head on floor, crying, sometimes hitting or head butting is. She has 15 teeth and her 4th molar is coming as she has a massive lump there but I don’t think it’s all down to that. I’m really feeling down now and keep crying thinking this is her personality and my life now. Seem to see people posting pics of them with their kids all smiling and doing things and feel like I’m just failing. No matter what I do I feel like she isn’t happy. Is this anywhere near normal for this age? Does it get better?

My baby is only 3 months so no parent experience yet. But I have been listening to There’s no such thing as a naughty child- audio book. Some of the tips to diffuse tantrums might be useful to you.

I think it’s pretty normal yes. We have a nearly 18 month old who has the occasional tantrum, some days worse than others and nappy changes definitely a challenge, but not too bad overall.

However we did seem to have about a month or so of just continual tantrums, screaming, throwing herself on the floor etc, about 16 months ish (I think, can barely remember what day it is at the moment). So similar age, and it’s definitely better now. Although I’m under no illusion that it will probably get worse again as we get closer to 2.

I follow big little feelings on Instagram. They have some good ideas. I try to do lots of distraction/ diversion, give her something to do during nappy changes, turn getting dressed into a bit of a game where she puts the clothes on her toy bunny first and then will let me dress her, as long as I make a big deal of ‘oh bye bye little foot, where’s it going? Oh I can’t see it, oh here it is, peekaboo foot, now where’s this arm going’ blah blah. It’s a ball ache and sometimes I can do without it but it does at least get us both dressed tantrum free. I also massively pick my battles, I’ve noticed DH will often say no or take things off her almost for the sake of it, whereas I just let empty my knicker drawer onto the floor so I can dressed now (and scoop them all up again later), or let her pull a few wipes out or carry her toothbrush downstairs or whatever small thing she’s decided she can’t live without today - as long as it’s reasonably safe! Loads of outdoor time helps too.

Another thing was she would find it really hard when I was trying to do stuff in the kitchen and want to be picked up, but when we got a learning tower thing (someone made ours but I would have bought second hand if not or there’s an IKEA hack) so she can stand next to me and mess with some pasta or whatever, then that reduces them too.

If I do need to take things off her I find if we say bye bye to it and then immediately let her do something she likes (like pressing the light switch or something) it averts a tantrum most of the time. Not much I can do about the car apart from fob her off with snacks which isn’t ideal.

Sometimes lots of talking about what we’re going to do and what will happen next helps too.

Sorry if you didn’t want loads of ‘advice’ thrown at you - just stuff that’s worked for me. But if you just needed to hear that it’s normal and is really shit then can definitely say that too. I hope this phase passes quick for you.

For nappy changes buy some pull ups, you can tear the sides to take them off. It's difficult changing them standing up but it's possible.

If they won't sit down for meal times can you offer them a grazing plate so they have access during the day and you can top it up.

It will be a phase that will pass, you can chose how you deal with it but I found following Dds cues worked best compared to trying to force her to sit down. It passed and she's a perfectly reasonable tween now has no problems sitting for family meals so it's not liked she never learnt to despite using grazing plates in toddler hood when necessary.

Thank you all for your advice. I do most of what you suggest but today I’m just so drained I haven’t got the energy. Definitely need to hear other people say it’s hard and shit at times so thank you for that.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given when DS was tiny, was try to not take any of the bad phases personally. Be empathetic and kind to your child always, but don’t let your emotions be dictated by theirs. Keep a healthy emotional boundary, otherwise you’ll be swallowed up. I say that knowning it’s really hard - my DS was really, really difficult between about 10 and 15 months of age. Permanently cross with the world and on the shortest fuse. He had multiple tantrums daily. In our case, it got better. It got infinity better with walking and then talking. There will be more bad phases down the road though, of that I’m sure. I definitely think toddlers can read their parents like books - if you are assertive, firm and kind, your day will be better than if you are frustrated and upset.

Practically, I’d say just make life easy for yourself. If mealtimes are currently a battle then take the pressure off. Keep trying the high chair, but it it’s a no, food out on a small table she can help herself to. Will she watch tv and eat snacks in the car? That was an absolute game changer for my DS. Try pull ups or have a usually forbidden toy for nappy changes - the tv remote was usually good for us. At that age, i felt I was near permanently distracting DS away from things to try and avoid a meltdown.

Ignore social media. People post the good bits because as a specie we are insecure as f**k and we need external validation for everything. You are seeing a tiny good fraction of their likely turbulent day.

Oh yes it's normal. And it's so so so so draining.

I've just come out of it with my DD who was 2 in December.. it seemed to go on forever.. but it was probably only a few months.

I completely sympathise, every day was a struggle for me..

I'm sure you get lots of advice, the best from me is to get away from the child if you can 😂 can anyone watch them or is childcare for a day an option?

DC2 is coming up to 15mo and this phase is frustrating and frustrated. Must be really annoying not being able to do half the things you want to do. He spends most his day trying to climb onto the sofa, which he can't do because he's too small.

Something on hand to distract at all times, swap things round to keep interest, little table or booster seat for meal times help in my experience, phone/keys for nappy changes. Most importantly a good supply of your treat of choice to keep you going through the day.

Three kids here- one, hardly any tantrums; another, quite a few belters; our oldest, non stop, loud tantrumming about every single thing. Life was a nightmare for about three years and I sympathise with you.
Ours is 7 now and remembers nothing about it! Looks astonished when he sees the odd old vid of himself in full blown tantrum mode (which was all the time).
If I'd just had the other two, I would have been full of patting myself on the back smugness. Nope, just pot luck on disposition.

Some parents will never know.

It will pass tho, hang in there

Sounds quite normal but doesn’t make it any easier. I have found 12-18 months very, very challenging with my DS (now 19 months). They can’t communicate properly, are too little to listen to instructions and they just never sit still 🙈 I’m knackered most days.

It does get better though, IMO, but there are challenges with every phase. My 4yo DD can be particularly infuriating but at least I don’t have to watch her every minute of the day, once they start getting a bit of independence I’ve found it much less stressful on the whole.

Thank you for your replies. It’s been about 3 weeks now and I just don’t know if this is her now or if it’s because her 4th molar is lumped up trying to come through or she’s poorly etc. Hoping it’s a phase.

15 months old DD here and in the same boat. It's hard and exhausting. She goes from one forbidden object/place to another all day, wants to be picked up if I do anything that isn't giving her my full attention and will cry after 10 minutes in her pram when I take her out. All of that with about 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep!
We deserve a medal, I'd say. Just think how resilient and wise this is making us

@LettucesAndRoses it’s so draining isn’t it? I’m finding it hard not to take it personally. Does your DD have tantrums? Just don’t want her to be so highly strung all her life, I bet the saying now of just wanting them to be happy and healthy.

DD used to throw the absolute worst tantrums over being put in the buggy or when it came time to change her nappy. I had to buy pull ups and became her skilled at changing her standing up. She is the calmest, most chill 12 year old you'll ever meet.

It's just a phase and it will pass, it's just hard whilst it lasts.

@Leadust92 She does have tantrums over nothing. Just now, for example, she wanted grabbed my socks and wouldn't let me put them on, wanted to do it for me. She didn't manage so she had a tantrum, throwing herself on the bed.
I'm not so bothered by the tantrums. Don't get me wrong, I hate it, but I know it's just a phase.
I hope you have a better day today. When it gets hard, just remember of all of us out there going through the same thing, you're not alone.