When does the fear go away when caring for a newborn?

[showersandflowers]

My baby is a week old. It's not severe but I do constantly worry that she's not breathing/ too hungry/ something is wrong with her. I spoke to the midwife about it and she says it's perfectly normal and part of the newborn parent protective instinct. If you experienced this, when did the feeling calm down? It's not unmanageable but it is scary.

I still check on my two year old several times a night and I know my friend does the same with her 8 and 6 year olds.

I don't think it ever goes away but you have more faith in their robustness!

It never fully goes away of course but is massively heightened by hormones in the weeks after birth. For me it settled down after about a month (my first baby though!)
I still get it now but nothing like in those first few weeks where my mind was full of intrusive thoughts of her being in danger. It is completely normal ❤️Congratulations
!

Sorry but my children are just under 10 and I still can’t sleep without seeing actual breaths from them at night while they sleep.

Buckle up OP, you’re in for the long haul.

I crept in to check on my 10 year old last night as her door was open and her head seemed to be at a weird angle. I'm not sure it ever goes away to be honest. The extreme intensity of it when she have a newborn does lessen. I used to wake up with a jolt to check on mine in the middle of the night, now it's more of a niggling feeling if I wake up to use the loo or something I tend to check on them or I can't get back to sleep. It's natural, normal thoughts though, your instincts are protecting your baby.

With your second child.

I still obsess and worry about the first.

I think by six months she felt a bit more robust and definitely by one year. Now I mostly just worry about her mental well being.

With ds (the second one) I knew that babies are quite hardy. Unlike his sister he's also a bigger, calmer baby so maybe that makes a difference too.

Anyway, the scary newborn phase will pass. The first few weeks are the hardest. Being sleep deprived I think might also make you feel a bit paranoid as it's hard to think rationally when you are sleep deprived.

I felt that every month and definitely every year it all got easier and I felt more confident.

A good 6 months for me for it to calm down a bit

By the way my dad is in his 80s and I just checked his breathing when he was napping here..

6 years after having my first I still check them every night before I can sleep😅

My two are 31 and 32 years old, and I still worry about them, OP! It goes with the territory.
In my case, being a doctor, I used to worry about obscure diseases that most mothers have not even heard of, especially alone at night with an unwell child.
You just need to put it in perspective and learn to trust your instincts. As you get to know your baby, you will be able to tell whether they are grumpy, teething, hungry or genuinely ill. And once they are toddlers, they can simply tell you what’s wrong, whether they have a pain etc. Confidence grows with experience.

It does calm down. I do check on my girls (aged 1 & 4) every night before I go to bed but I then sleep soundly. I’m certainly not checking on them multiple times a night unless they are ill maybe. I do always feel relieved when I hear them in the morning though! Im not sure why the nighttime fear is so great really, once they are past age 1.. they are far more likely to get injured/hurt etc during the day than sleeping soundly in a safe bed! But there we are, you do worry!

With DD1, we had a baby monitor on her all night until she was 3. DD2, we haven’t used it since she was 6 months 🙈😂 I’m so much more chill with DD2, it’s a crazy difference.

For me it was intense for the first 6-7 weeks. I think there’s a Chinese tradition of 40 days of confinement after the birth. I used to think it was a terrible idea, so cruel to a new mother. Turns out, it was almost exactly 40 days to establish bf for me with each baby, 40 days to feel healed from the birth, 40 days to feel able to cook and clean and shop etc, 40 days for the hormonal head fog to clear and to start thinking of things other than the baby and have some perspective. of course, that increases over the months and years.

That said, now I love creeping in to watch my children sleep before I turn in. Their trusting innocence and blissful unawareness is heart melting. My DS still instinctively curls his fingers around my hand in his sleep if I slip my palm into his….

@Scottishnewbie2022

Sorry but my children are just under 10 and I still can’t sleep without seeing actual breaths from them at night while they sleep.

Buckle up OP, you’re in for the long haul.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who does this.

I check them before I go to bed, I don’t get up in the night to check them though. Unless they’re ill.

It kind of faded away for me. Becoming less intense throughout the first year. Pretty much gone by the time I got pregnant again.

I'll go against lots on here - it gradually faded for me and now I only check mine overnight if they're ill, I don't worry about them normally.

However, you had your first baby a week ago - absolutely nothing is normal right now. Just ride it out and see how things settle in time (with the obvious caveat that if you or your family are worried about your physical or mental health then you should seek medical advice).

it never goes away but fades so now I check on them if they are ill or have been out drinking, both young adults and bigger than me, and I still creep into their rooms to check they are breathing

When my son was tiny and in a moses basket I put a very small toy on his chest and that way I could see its ears going up and down so I coudl see he was breathing more easily as he slept so deeply I couldnt tell just by looking

@Bobholll

It does calm down. I do check on my girls (aged 1 & 4) every night before I go to bed but I then sleep soundly. I’m certainly not checking on them multiple times a night unless they are ill maybe. I do always feel relieved when I hear them in the morning though! Im not sure why the nighttime fear is so great really, once they are past age 1.. they are far more likely to get injured/hurt etc during the day than sleeping soundly in a safe bed! But there we are, you do worry!

With DD1, we had a baby monitor on her all night until she was 3. DD2, we haven’t used it since she was 6 months 🙈😂 I’m so much more chill with DD2, it’s a crazy difference.

I absolutely could have wrote this, right down to the monitor! Second one is so much easier!

Aww it's totally normal. I can still distinctly remember thinking " I can believe they've let me be in charge of him" when my DS was born. He's 13 now. He's just about to go to the shop with a mate for some sweets. I'll be slightly worried until he's back safely (10 mins max)! So it never goes but it absolutely eases off. In a few weeks you'll feel a lot more confident. Congratulations by the way!!

You never stop being fearful for them or worrying about them. All that changes is the fears and worries.

I still have it and my son is three. It has improved a lot though. I wonder if it might be worse for those of us who had fertility issues and/or a difficult birth experience? All feels more fragile somehow?