Is it normal for partners to not ‘get it’

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First time mum, baby is only a few weeks old. It’s been amazing and I love it but of course so very hard.

The hardest part has been the constant worry and wondering if I’m doing anything right and I suffer with anxiety anyway so I knew once I met my baby it would be amplified.

My partner seems to think I’m not napping by choice and saying I’m doing this to myself. However if I nap no housework gets done? And it’s easier to say “just ignore it” but when visitors are scheduled pretty much every day I can’t ignore a floor that needs mopping or kitchen that needs a wipe down!

He hasn’t done a ‘night shift’ yet mainly because I want to be in control of a night but he keeps saying I need to rest and I’m running myself down but in the day doesn’t help with things I need?

I had to shout at him to get off his phone the other day which is really p*ssing me off - he can just sit there and ignore everything while I’m trying to calm a crying baby, make a feed, clean/sterilise the bottles and do a wash!

I’ve mentioned to my mum and Aunty how I feel as we’re all so close and they just said it’s a man thing? And they get better at it. But is it normal? Do I need to be a bit upfront and express how I want help?

He hasn’t done a ‘night shift’ yet mainly because I want to be in control

Relax and let him do a night.
Leave the mopping -nobody who matters is going to care if you haven’t done the house work and yes, you do need to say, “I need you do do this today please” not get annoyed that he isn’t a mind reader then shout.

Why are people visiting every day? Tell them not to and have a couple of days off. You sound exhausted and need a break.
Congratulations on your new baby

I can’t ignore a floor that needs mopping or kitchen that needs a wipe down!

You can. You and your baby matter most right now, more than how the floor looks. It is totally entirely normal to get no housework done during the day at all when you have a weeks-old baby and you’re knackered and you have a partner who’ll be home in the evenings.

You won’t necessarily be able to nap during the day, it’s not always that easy, but please don’t run yourself into the ground dashing about cleaning and mopping every free minute you get weeks after giving birth.

When you have a young baby cleaning comes long way down the list.

Secondly take turns at night so you can get some sleep.

The reason he is in his phone is because you are trying to do it all. Some men need to be told to do stuff until they get it into their thick heads if they do these things you won't have a go at them.

(Oh and one reason we are an "outside shoes off" household is because it decreases the amount of floor cleaning.)

I mentioned once briefly how I feel and he kind of dismissed it and we argued. My birth and recovery went amazing I feel so lucky however I feel like this has just made my partner think I’m completely fine and that everything is normal? I don’t know I feel really overwhelmed

Maybe prioritise what to do in the house? I hated it when people said don’t worry about the house because there are certain things that actually have to be done - if I don’t do the washing the baby won’t have any clothes, if I don’t load and unload the dishwasher we won’t have any plates to eat off etc and that’s what I found hard, keeping on top of even just those basics. Mopping the floor i would personally put low down on the priority list though, just try and keep the absolute essentials done. I don’t think men can understand it especially if they’ve not experienced the night wakings though. If baby is bottle fed id ask him to share some of the feeds x

Why are you having visitors everyday?

What does your partner do around the house etc?

I had to shout at him to get off his phone the other day which is really p*ssing me off - he can just sit there and ignore everything while I’m trying to calm a crying baby, make a feed, clean/sterilise the bottles and do a wash!

^^^^^

Hand him the baby whilst you get the feed ready, then give him the bottle to feed baby whilst you get on with the other stuff. Then sit down with a hot drink and do nothing else until you have drunk it.

If he tries to hand baby back as soon as you sit down, say no, this is the first hot drink I've had today and I am going to finish it.

Do this every single day! And preferably go and have a bath and get 30 minutes to yourself whilst he sorts the baby. He obviously needs the practise.

You sound just like me! I have found it really hard for the first 8 weeks. Top that off with a long medical recovery from birth and cluster feeds overnight and I am shattered.
DH has been helpful as he has had alot of paternity leave. He has helped around the house but there are times he is just on his phone oblivious while im trying to get DD off to sleep.
Im at the point now where i just pass DD to him and sit with a tea and do nothing until ive finished it.
Im asking him to do more at home so i dont have to.
Overnight the cluster feeds have stopped and we will just give 1 bottle now. DH will get up and make it and will feed DD then settle her so I can relax. This will change when he is back at work though.

One massive thing that will help is to not have people round all the time.
We have literally had family and a few friends over the period of a few weeks and thats it.
Ive pushed myself to clean the house so it makes it look like the perfect, coping well, home environment.
But, youve just had a baby. Cleaning the floor is not top of the list now.
You and baby are.
The cleaning can wait. Believe me its taken 8 weeks for me to work that out.

Give your DP jobs to do and involve him more with babys care and youll feel a bit less swamped.

Honestly...I'm like you and you're your own worst enemy. Relinquish control and ask him to do things. You'll probably find he's happy to but men are often unaware of what needs to be done (especially if you always tend to do everything). Give him clear instructions or divide jobs between you so he knows what he needs to be doing.

If you're bottle feeding get him to take charge of your baby for at least a few hours each day so you can do what you choose. Don't interfere, let him get on with it - he has to learn through practise. Go out of the house if needs be. If you're baby is happy to be bottle fed he can meet all her needs. My husband has our baby as soon as he gets home from work until bedtime (approx 2.5 hours) and does a feed during this, and sometimes does bedtime too. It makes a huge difference to my day knowing I have that handover point!

Personally I just do the night times as I am on mat leave and he has to go to work. This works for us and I'm fine with it, but appreciate others have other views. When I go back to work we will be sharing nights as required.

Everyone feels overwhelmed with a baby, you are not alone.
You do need to tell him what you need though, and give up the housework as pps have said.

I totally understand about not being able to ignore jobs. I cannot relax until the house is in order and jobs have been ticked off the list. When DD1, it actually made the newborn stage worse sitting in chaos.

I think you need to spell it out to your partner what you need him to do. Some people just don’t pick up on things unless you are absolutely direct. For me, I needed him to be on baby duty for an hour before and after work so I could get things sorted. I could cope with lack of sleep but not living in chaos. Visitors could also be put to work in the same way!

*Hand him the baby whilst you get the feed ready, then give him the bottle to feed baby whilst you get on with the other stuff. Then sit down with a hot drink and do nothing else until you have drunk it.

If he tries to hand baby back as soon as you sit down, say no, this is the first hot drink I've had today and I am going to finish it.

Do this every single day! And preferably go and have a bath and get 30 minutes to yourself whilst he sorts the baby. He obviously needs the practise*

Wise words.

Your partner should be pulling his weight at home and at night. Why is he not getting the baby’s bottle while you are trying to calm baby down? He is literally sitting down while you are doing all that? I’m sure he’s capable of putting a load into the washing machine and pressing some buttons. Its all hands on deck for first few months. Stop trying to do everything and either hand him the baby and do what you need to do or he does what needs to be done while you attend to the baby. Its straightforward.

Tell him to get off his arse. Jesus.

Also do not back down or in 6 months you will find you can’t do anything or go anywhere because he “doesn’t know” how to look after the baby. Nip it in the bud now.

Why is partner not doing things like making up bottles, cleaning, putting a wash on etc?

It is so overwhelming having a baby at first, it's such a steep learning curve! It's natural to want to do it all, but try and learn to step back. Let him feed baby and take them overnight.

You sound like you are trying to get him to step up, have you had a conversation about what you need from him when baby isn't crying and he's looking at his phone? When DC1 was born, my husband did a lot of guilt cleaning as I clusterfed on the sofa in the evening - the house had never been tidier.

It is a man thing but you don't need to (and shouldn't) accept it.

Now is the time to instill balance. That means he needs to realise he has to step up. It also means you need to realise when to step down. He needs to find his own way, and if that means he gets the nappy on backwards and he's up all night with a baby covered in wee then that's what needs to happen.

DH was kind of pampered up until he left home so yeah doesn’t really know how to do much housework. In hindsight I should’ve showed how tasks while I was pregnant but I was quite poorly and tired so it slipped my mind!

He is picking up little jobs but he seems immune to dust - whereas I can see a particle a mile away 😂

I know I need to let go a bit. I have let him do some tasks since posting this which has calmed me down because everything went okay, the only other thing is he doesn’t seem to get babies sometimes need holding just to be held or just rocking to sleep so that’s a bit frustrating.

If he's never had a baby before he won't know what's what. Tell him. Once he's done baby stuff a few times he'll learn.

If he's never been expected to do house stuff before because you and his mum have pampered him, he won't know what to do. Don't get angry. Tell him what needs doing. Ask him to do it and tell him when it needs doing.

"My partner seems to think I’m not napping by choice and saying I’m doing this to myself. However if I nap no housework gets done? And it’s easier to say “just ignore it” but when visitors are scheduled pretty much every day I can’t ignore a floor that needs mopping or kitchen that needs a wipe down!"

I'm sorry but your partner is in the right on the housework front. People visiting a new baby don't expect a clean and tidy house. Your baby is still tiny. Let things like the mopping go and try to prioritise your rest. Listen to your partner on that point.

Forget housework, that's his job for now. Even if you have to write a list of what needs doing (which you shouldn't have to, it's hardly rocket science to see that dirty dishes need putting in the dishwasher).

Visitors will/should also be willing to help out and I'm sure will offer, given you've got a newborn. Take them up on it.

Also, have fewer visitors. Every day or nearly every day is madness, you need to concentrate solely on your baby and your bond with him/her. Stuff the rest of it.

Oh and yes have a look at division of labour. Before children DP always did all the cooking, food shopping and bins/outside stuff. This made life a lot easier after children as it meant we were used to sharing the load.

Also, as DD1 has got older DP has naturally taken on most of the parenting offer, including nursery runs etc, which makes it easier going from one to two. He was teeeified of ‘breaking her’ until she could walk, and now they’re best friends.

It's not "a man thing" and I mean this very gently because I did exactly what you're doing - you're being a martyr and trying to control everything.

You won't "let" him do a night shift, you won't nap when he suggests it, you're intent on controlling everything around you and you are going to burn out.

Our baby worked out her own little routine quite quickly and we worked around that. When she had her big morning or afternoon nap I would stick some laundry in/mop the kitchen and then sit/lie down. Whether I slept or not was a different thing, but just stopping to relax was important. If DH was home, he would tidy up and I'd go nap, because I didn't need to worry about oversleeping if she woke up.

When he suggests going for a nap while the baby naps, say "ok, but could you mop the floor, wipe the benches, whatever while she is down?"
Allow him to do a night shift once or twice a week, it his baby too.

Also, stop having visitors every day, you are putting pressure on yourself to have a clean home, happy baby and be presentable at a time when you should be focusing on you and your baby. (And if your visitors point out something needs to be mopped or hoovered, hand them the mop or hoover!)

It's no more a man thing not to do things than it is a woman thing to insist on having all these things done.

Every couple I know has a bit of an argument a few weeks into having a baby about division of labour - you just need to discuss together how to share tasks out and what's reasonable. If you're saying your tired but won't let him do the nights and you're choosing to mop rather than nap then that's on you, not your OH. Prioritise the key tasks and don't worry about the other stuff.