Feeling like a failure, help!

[NicCali88]

Hi all, first time mum to a beautiful 15 week old boy here. I just wondered whether anyone else feels like they’re failing all the time with this parenting stuff?! DS was born at 37 weeks and we had a horrid first week in hospital as he was quite poorly, then I struggled with anxiety etc in the first couple of weeks and although I’m really quite calm and managing well, he is generally quite a fussy baby.

We tried baby massage but had to stop going as he was so unhappy, and baby sensory for the first time this week which was even worse! We struggle with daytime naps as he fights it (literally tried everything and I’m very good with routine) but thankfully nights are great and the routine works well. He was a bit late with some milestones but as long as I use his adjusted age for 40 weeks I’m less concerned. I cried on the drive home today while he slept as I see all these other mums with their babies enjoying the class, chatting and smiling, while I have an inconsolable baby who has worked himself up so much that my attempts to soothe him fail ( as soon as the music started he was screaming).

I know that I don’t see their sleepless nights, meltdowns and nappy explosions… but I really feel like I’m doing this all wrong. DS is only happy in our house, with nobody else around - I am very happy to do whatever he needs to feel safe and secure but surely I can still have some sort of a life too with him? Or maybe not?! Any thought would be so welcome x x

Give yourself a break. Give your baby a break! You’re doing a great job, I promise. He’s so so tiny. He’s not even 4 months old, he only wants you, his lovely mum. Don’t make life harder for yourself by trying to enforce a routine if it’s not working for you both. Watch him, listen to him, follow his lead. Try and go with the flow and do what you feel like rather than what other people are doing or you feel you should be doing.

You have plenty of time for classes and activities and you may find some that work and you both enjoy, you may decide they’re not for you at all. Someone people swear by organised fun but millions of mums and babies have thrived for centuries without them.

You’re doing brilliantly. You’ve both been through a lot so treat yourself with care rather than lectures - even from yourself!

Thank you for this 🥰 I think you’re right in embracing our bubble and being together. It’s so hard and nothing can prepare you for this. I think it’s harder where I’ve gone from a job with a lot of responsibility where I (sort of!) know what I’m doing, to suddenly feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under my feet. I’m sure I’m not alone in this though!

Oh my goodness I felt exactly like this with my first child, used to feel rubbish that I didn't get out to more classes and whenever I did he'd seem to be the only one screaming the place down. What worked for us eventually was going to less structured playgroups where you just turn up and they play with the toys. But that was when he was a bit older and now with my second (8 weeks) I won't be bothering with anything like that for a good few months yet. I'll meet friends for walks or coffee but not putting any pressure on myself this time! You should definitely give yourself a break, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job.

We couldn't go to playgroups when my DD was very small as it was lockdown. The first one we went to was when she was 4 months and she hated it! She cried the whole time. Then after this, we went back into lockdown. It was a bit of a relief not to have to worry about going to do lots of different things.

These classes are usually more for the benefit of mums than babies. It's nice to go to them if you have a baby who is relatively 'easy' (obv no baby is easy). If your baby doesn't enjoy it then it's just very stressful. I'd just relax for now and do what makes you and your baby happy. In a few months, you'll probably find it's a totally different situation. My dd started loving getting out and about and going to classes from about 7-8 months. Before then she just lived in the sling and needed lots of bouncing and rocking. It won't last forever!

Thank you everyone! I reached out to a couple of mum friends today and one said that her DD didn’t enjoy going out until 5-6 months too. I’m going to be a bit kinder to myself and ease off on the groups I think

You aren’t a failure at all. Some newborns just didn’t get the memo about being sleepy and content! My DS was one of them and boy, it was hard work. Being the person with the screaming newborn at a class is a kind of isolation I’ve never felt before, so you have my sympathy.

Good news is he started finding groups and classes fascinating at about 6 months and it’s only get better and better now he’s a toddler.

My baby is 5 months and has only just started to get into a semi routine with daytime naps. Until she was about 4 months she fought them and only slept in the car. Even now they can be anytime between 9-12 and 3-5. Sometimes they’re 15 mins long, sometimes they’re 2 hours.

I figure they have the rest of their life for routines, for now whilst she’s so small I just take each day/nap/bedtime/feed/nappy etc as it comes.

They’ll be picking up on your stress/anxiety so just try and relax (easier said than done I know) b

Crikey please don’t beat yourself up, DD1 was like this until she started cruising at about 9/10 months! Now she’s 3 I can see that it’s just her personality - she’s very alert, curious and easily hyped up. DD2 is similar though less intensely, and this time I’ve learnt my lesson and don’t bother with baby classes. Walks, coffee with friends, play dates etc are more than enough for now.

In a couple of years time you’ll be trying to extricate him from a loud and sweaty soft play and long for the time he was happy at home!

@Timeturnerplease haha yes you’re probably right about soft play, all of this will be a distant memory!

It’s so reassuring to know I’m not on my own, @AliceW89 that isolation you talk about is so true

OP - you’re not failing! I think I wrote a similar message with my baby. I felt I should be doing “something” everyday to keep the baby occupied. Turns out - you really don’t. My DC is 5.5 months - he still finds baby sensory too much. The babies that are enjoying it are 7months+.

I have a similar background of a job with responsibility - I went from negotiating multimillion pound contracts to being totally unable to negotiate with a baby. It was really stressful.

You’re doing great - sounds like you have a much better routine than we do!