Having another baby - experiences please

[Onlyinstillwaters]

So I have an 18months old DD and I am 34.

DH wants another. I am really on the fence. I had (still have) PND after my first. I’m scared to be pregnant again, give birth again, have a newborn again. But I hate the thought of DD being lonely. I also feel really old already.

Please share your experiences.

Have you been on the fence about having another and regretted it? Or it’s all worked out?

Have you had PND? And did it come back worse with a second?

Have you had a second in mid thirties? Was it really tough?

In your opinion what’s the best age gap?

I’m so stuck and feel at a bit of a crossroads. I don’t want to regret just having one but then on the flip side I don’t want to rush into another DC and be so overwhelmed. Please be kind.

No advice but I'm in the same boat as you. I'm 34 with a 14 month old. DH wants another one desperately and I'm terrified. Really struggled with being pregnant and having a newborn during the midst of a pandemic. My mental health took a beating too. We had to have fertility treatment to have DS (3 years in the making) so I'm really unsure too but am worried about getting older! Hope someone has some answers for you but wanted you to know you are not alone! X

We had our first at a similar age to you. Left it four years and then had DC2 after so much consideration and mind-changing. The age gap is good for us and although I will obviously never know if I’d have regretted not having a second, I can confidently say that even though he’s an equally ‘high needs’ baby as his older brother, it was less of a shock to us and a lot more manageable.

1st at 34, second at 37.

Tbh whenever you have a baby, you're spinning a roulette wheel. You love any child but some babies are easier to look after than others.

It's not a repeat of your first newborn experience as you've already asked to parenthood and accepted all the restrictions that involves. Second time I found baby stuff easy, put my first born into context (she was a tough baby, I couldn't believe how much easier it can be when they feed and sleep without complaining about it).

Managing a toddler and a baby was tough sometimes. You have to give up on the idea that you can keep everyone happy all the time. Which is probably healthy for everyone really. It got easier and they started actually playing when dc2 was 18 months or so.

Pregnancy was a bit harder second time but not that much worse. Mainly you don't get time to rest. I found pregnancy plus toddler harder than newborn plus toddler. Find a decent nursery!

You don't get out as much, my second mat leave felt a lot like lockdown did :)

Re age gap, pros and cons either way. I think 2-3 years is good. 5 years can work too as the older one is at school, but that way you're plunging yourself back to baby year zero just as you begin to emerge from nappies and prams etc.

I was always happy with 1.
I had Dd1 very young and always knew I didn't want anymore. I have a large family and Dd1 had lots of cousins the same age to play with.
Fast forward 23years 🙈🙈. I went to the doctor with a suspected kidney infection. Turns out I was 5 months pregnant. I was 38 when I had Dd2. No way would I have planned a second at 38. Some of Dd1's friends were pregnant at the same time as me I felt ancient.
Dd2 is 6 now and I wouldn't be without her.

I was in a similar position. I had a difficult labour and PND with my first. I went on to have two. Some things that I found helpful for second time around were:
Working out what caused DS1 difficult birth and if that was likely to happen again. I opted for an elective csection to help with that.
Working out what caused PND. For me it was feeling isolated and a lack of support. So I worked on getting out everyday and reaching out to others for help.

I had DS2 the day before my 35th birthday. I am so glad I had him. I had a much more positive experience with birth and the baby stage with him. Being off on maternity leave also gave me loads of time to bond with DS1. To be blunt, I don't think I enjoyed being a mum very much until I had DS2. Having him was a healing experience for me.

We aimed for a 3-year gap for several reasons:

*Free nursery hours for DD while I'm on mat leave. Reduces our monthly costs.
*Didn't want two in nappies
*DD requires a lot less constant attention now
*DD sleeps well and we are past the night wakings period largely
*Felt like I wanted my body to have lots of time to recover from pregnancy and an EMCS
*I think it's a good gap for still playing with each other when baby is a bit older but has allowed me 3 years with just DD and now she's in nursery I will get time one on one with the new baby too.

Should add that DC2 isn't here yet, I'm due later this year, so yet to see how it all works out

3 year age gap - had them at 35 and 38. Pregnancy was loads easier second time round and had a planned section because of birth trauma last time (to my bits and my mental health). No problems getting pregnant either time despite my advancing years.

Gap has been great so far - DC1 was potty trained, well settled at nursery (and free hours), sleeping in big bed, walking full time, playing independently, and DC2 just slotted straight into the routine. We've saved a fortune in toys, clothes and equipment. I found everything much easier - I knew what to expect, I knew when things would be more difficult and easier. DH was already hands on but massively stepped up. I've been much more focused on getting the balance right this time round - more time to rest and recover, more time off, more self care time.

Had DD1 at 32, DD2 just before I turned 35. Pregnancy very much the same withe both - age seemed to have zero impact whatsoever.

I don’t enjoy the baby stage at all but again, that’s got nothing to do with my age. DD2 is now five months so I’m hoping that in another five months time she’ll be on the move and playing more, which should make it easier. That said, babyhood has seemed less stressful this time around, possibly because we’re still in small child mode. I think if we’d left the gap any bigger I’d have been enjoying my freedom too much and have chickened out of returning to neediness!

Why, very specifically do the men mentioned on the post want another kid? Will they be parenting the majority of the time? Will they be giving up earning power and pension contributions to parent the kid they want yous to put your bodies and minds at risk to create? What do they feel is missing in the first child? What are their thoughts on the futures of these people, in climate catastrophes?

Making a person as a ‘playmate’ for another, or on the assumption that they’ll like each other at all is no reason at all.

I'd wait till the 24 months point. I did this and suddenly the thought of another baby wasn't so terrible. We had a bit of a woops while deciding what to do about ttc and ended up with a three year (almost exactly three year) gap between ours. I had my first at 31 and my second at 34 and it worked really well I think. Second baby seemed to sleep a lot more and was a bit more settled, so that also helped

Had first about the same age as you. Always wanted two, about two and a half years apart, but it was harder getting pregnant the second time, so we've got a gap of three years, three months (DD was born when I was 36).

Saying that, age gap of over three years seems ok so far (10 months in). DS was reasonably independent with potty, getting things for himself and lovely with baby DD, and I generally found ways to fit what she needed into a day with DS. Now she's crawling and into everything, it's harder. He does find it tough that I can't/don't do as much with him, and partly because of not wanting DD to miss out on time with me and partly because DS generally prefers to be with me if possible, I've felt under pressure and stretched between them in a way I don't think DH has. But they're both wonderful and hopefully they'll be able to do more things together as DD gets older - just expecting this year (and next) to be particularly tough!

Good luck whatever you decide.

I had PND after DD1 and was adamant I wasn’t having another. However, I’m an only child & I was lonely as a child and I hate it even more as an adult. I’m so envious of those with bigger families. By the time DD1 was two, life was reasonably calm & I had recovered. We aimed for a 3 year gap but fell pregnant first try & have 2 years 10 months.

I cannot tell you how different DD2 has been. I’ve had zero PND. I didn’t even get any early blues. Nothing at all. I was so happy & content with my newborn, I finally understood the woman who say they enjoyed it! It was still exhausting, it was still hard but it didn’t matter, I was so happy.

And watching my two girls together brings ultimate joy to my heart. My eldest has said a few times she’s so glad we decide to ‘get DD2’ 😂🥰 They really love each other & im not naive to think they will always get on as they get into the teenage years etc but they’ll have each other if they need. Both sides of the family are very close knit, hopefully it’ll stay that way in future generations ☺️

I had DD at 35. She didn't sleep well for at least 18 months and it was hell at first. Honestly thought the sleep deprivation would kill me. But we always wanted another baby and started trying when she was 18 months (when sleep got a tiny bit better!) Took us longer, but I think it was the universe's way of giving us a little break as two under two would have been very challenging! There's a 2 year 5 month age gap between DD and DS, it works well. They're now 4 and 6, and some days they play together beautifully for hours, others they fight nonstop!

It is hard though, and if we just had DD I do think life would be a heck of a lot easier. DS is very spirited and hits a lot, it causes huge stress. But I wouldn't change having two for anything, it was especially good during the pandemic as they had each other to play with.

Three DC on the other hand...that's a whole other thread!

Oh and I didn't feel old having DD at 35 but I did having DS at 38...or rather, I do now at 42. We don't have family support nearby so it is very full on and I feel I have aged rapidly over the past two years...that could also be down to the pandemic of course