5 year old anxiousness, shyness and aggression

[FelicityJean]

Hello, I'm looking for some experiences and advice please. My 5 year old daughter is a bit of a worrier and quite shy. I wouldn't normally think these are traits to be particularly concerned about but recently she's become quite aggressive (not physically but verbally) and rude and I'm wondering if it's related to the anxiousness and shyness.

To give some examples, she will often tell me that she feels nervous about something and has flutters in her tummy. I'd say this has become more frequent over the last 6 months - I can't think of anything that has triggered it but I'd say her ability to recognise and verbalise her emotions has improved so it's possibly just that she's been able to identify the feeling. It's always before new things (like visiting Santas grotto, going to a birthday party) but also about things she does very frequently, like going to school, going to her swim lesson, going to her grandparents (who she adores) - things like that. She is doing well at school, has friends, no concerns raised from the teachers, but when we do her homework (which is just reading at the moment) she worries about getting it wrong, can become upset about it and that puts her off of doing it. We've always taken the approach of acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her but I'm not sure it's working.

Examples of the aggression and rudeness are things like running away from the front door and hiding when visitors arrive (even when she knows in advance they are coming), scowling at people and/or hiding her face when they say hello (this can be strangers or people she knows really well), recoiling into me when people come and say hello when we're out, shouting "don't look at me" or "don't talk to me" to me and to others, temper tantrums and backchat when things don't go her way (I suspect that's more to do with being 5 though!). Another is speaking very very quietly when she says please or thank you, almost muttering it, so she's said it but not in what sounds like a genuine way if you know what i mean. For bad behaviour (like shouting at people) she does get told it's not appropriate and we do consequences. And for other things like the muttering I've talked to her about using a louder voice so people can hear her.

So anyone had similar experiences? Is the behaviour linked to the worrying and shyness or are they 2 separate issues? She's such a lovely girl but I'm worried she is coming across as a bit rude and "off" and that it's going to affect how people interact with her. I'm not sure how to tackle it. So any advice, experiences or recommendations of books to read on the subject would be much appreciated!

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Hi, we've just been through this with my 7 year old.
I recommend a book called helping your child with fear and worries by Cathy cresswell. It has some proven CBT techniques. I used it as part of a course that was delivered to me to help my son by a counsellor but it'd be easy to read and implement yourself.
I didn't recognise his behaviour as anxiety prior to this. But he had a lot of the behaviours you describe.

That's so helpful, thank you! Can I ask what other behaviours he had due to the anxiety? I'd just be interested to know whether my daughter is displaying any of the same.

Anger and frustration were the main ones initially. Also crying a lot over little things. Feeling sick or having stomach aches before school. He hated failing or thinking anyone was angry with him ever.
Could also be a little rude - if guests were here he'd say things like when are you leaving.
Now he can understand why he's feeling what he's feeling it's so much better.
The book focuses on not reassuring your child in terms of anxieties as that doesn't help. It's about questioning and challenging to get to the bottom of the feelings - and helping them face anxieties slowly to build up a feeling of 'I can do it'.

Interesting. My Dd is very much like this. No answers as such but she's a bit more socially acceptable now at age 7. I don't know how else to put it.

Thank you very much, I'm hoping I can find some techniques to help things!!

It's not unusual for anxiety to show as anger or aggression. CBT can be really useful for anxious children, but at this age she may struggle with things like working out what the triggers are, even just working out how she's feeling is likely to be a struggle.

I'd start making a record of the times she acts these ways and trying to note what the possible triggers could be. What they're yelling about isn't necessarily the issue. Depending on what you observe you may need to reduce some expectations at least initially. Like if she struggles with guests maybe she could just say hi then retreat to her room if she feels overwhelmed. Knowing there's an out can help.

I'd also get some picture books straight away, on the various emotions and the physical reactions they can come with. Also some picture books on the basic techniques like using breathe, counting, grounding. Fidgets may help her regulate too. It's a slow process.

My eldest for a long time couldn't connect the physical symptoms and her anger to her anxiety. The same words and explanations from a psychologist had a bigger impact. We've done a lot of CBT and a children's anxiety group, which helped. Initially the techniques to keep the anxiety becoming overwhelming have to be practiced when calm, they need to be very familiar to be able to do them when anxiety is rising. A lot of the work needs to be done by the parents. You scaffold things for her, like noticing when her anxiety is rising and encourage her to use the calming techniques before it gets bad. Also teaching about emotions as they arise, parents can note their own emotions and tell her how you're feeling and why, and what physical symptoms that causes, make it a regular part of the week to discuss emotions. Also noticing her emotions and asking how she's feeling. I always validate feelings, no emotion is wrong or bad, you feel how you feel, but it's not ok to hurt someone else because of how you're feeling. It's a long process to change behaviours.

That's very helpful, thank you!