What do 3 year olds understand?

[Cait73]

I try really hard to talk to my 3 year old, I get onto his level, I keep things simple and limit choices/options but I don't feel he listens, at all, does he understand me?

Do 3 year olds understand much?

Yesterday he went on his first play date (without me) only for 2 hours but by the time he got home it was bath and bed time. He really wanted to watch Paw Patrol because that's what we'd normally do after nursery.

I don't have the tv on past 5pm so I wasn't going to switch it on. I tried to explain but he literally wasn't getting it.

I felt awful, he sobbed, begged and pleaded.

I don't want him to be sad, how do you get them to understand things?

It's truly like I'm speaking another language!

Probably not going to be helpful but I wouldn’t have let that be the reason he was so upset, a bit of tv wouldn’t hurt even if it’s after 5. I don’t think at 3 they understand past what they want, if I tried to explain to my 4 year old that the tv doesn’t go on past a certain time he’d accept it but wouldn’t understand it and at 3 he certainly wouldn’t have.

He’s still so young, I probably would have tried distraction over trying to explain that the tv doesn’t go on after x time. Sympathies, it’s awful when they get so upset!

Oh and to add to my distraction point- I’ve definitely found when I try to explain about things that he doesn’t want to happen, eg he wants a biscuit before dinner, he just gets more and more upset, but if I distract him he forgets pretty easily. Explaining just reminds them more that you’re saying no I think. Not that I’m an expert by any means, it’s just what works for us!

They have no concept of time the way adults do. My DD3 mixes up days, weeks, months and years. She has no idea about morning afternoon or evening. They understand past/present/future in a vague sense but not actual time passing.

You could try using other cues e.g. is it light/dark outside can help. Or a lot of preparations e.g. before thr playdate explain at the end of thr playdate it will be so late that it will be dinner/bathtime straightaway.

I find my DD likes to know what's coming and she can follow a sequence well, even with no concept of time passing, so I do a lot of these preparation type chats.

They don't understand time, but I think you have to learn to be a bit flexible. A bit of TV after 5pm so he could find his usual routine wouldn't have hurt.

The concept of time is alien to them at this age. If you have a regular routine of coming home and watching TV, then that's what he expected; he won't understand that it's two hours later than it normally would be. Plus he's tired, so less biddable.
I'd have put the TV on for one episode TBH. Pick your battles. I get not wanting it on after 5 if he's normally been watching it since 4, but the routine is obviously heavily instilled, he was genuinely distressed without it.

I see why he’d be confused by that. From
his perspective- he always comes home in the evening after nursery and watches paw patrol but today he wasn’t allowed. He knows it was evening and that’s why he wanted to follow his typical routine. The part that’s probably beyond a 3YO is that it’s a bit later than usual and why he’s not allowed today. Add in the fact that he’s probably tired after the excitement of the play date and I’m not surprised he got upset. I’m not usually one to give in but paw patrol is usually split episodes so one story is literally 15 minutes and I would have let him watch it whilst his bath ran and everyone would have been happy.

Well I think they need to learn that they don't get what they want all the time, regardless of what they want. My 4 year old would push it and pusj it, then we said no and stuck to it-. His behaviour has vastly improved

@Opalfeet

Well I think they need to learn that they don't get what they want all the time, regardless of what they want. My 4 year old would push it and pusj it, then we said no and stuck to it-. His behaviour has vastly improved

This is a different situation to a child just deciding they want something though.

I don't know, is it?

I think I'd prefer my child to learn that sometimes we may not go through our usual routine and they need to adapt. If there's a few tears alomg the way then so be it

Your choice. Mine needed routine to help them settle, if they settles I settled. Win win. Each to their own.

Their understanding is very much "here and now" so probably couldn't generalise a rule that the TV isn't on past 5pm. He can't tell the time so only understands that his familiar routine has been disrupted.
I've never been one for giving in to every demand but I'd have let him watch one episode as he clearly needed that familiar routine.

My DD does really seem to understand me but I agree about the routine and expectations around this. I think it gives them a sense of safety and control.

The first time my DD stayed for lunch at nursery, when I brought her home right after it (where they said she'd eaten everything - and it was her usual lunch as I sent it in with her) the first thing she said was "I want to have my lunch now" as that's what usually happened after I fetched her from morning sessions.

Around tv shows and the concept of time. Lesson learned, record an episode if you can, pause it to the last 5-7 minutes mark. When they get home, push play. Then act sad that they missed so much because they were out.

Alternatively, invest if you can in paw patrol books. They'll be disappointed at first but still soon get used to the alternative.

To me the schedule is a combination of time and tasks. Your 3 year old knows coming home means watching paw patrol. The same as before bed is brushing teeth. I would likely have just gone with flow but said there's only time for ten mins....

I have a bright three year old but she wouldn't go for a playdate without me unless it was with family and a massive break of routine like that I would've just let her have the paw patrol. Obviously he doesn't understand that. I think it would be a few years at least until they could understand a rule like no TV after 5 for no actual explainable reason

@Opalfeet

I think I'd prefer my child to learn that sometimes we may not go through our usual routine and they need to adapt. If there's a few tears alomg the way then so be it

I personally think that there's nothing wrong with this but I think it's then better to not have such a set routine every night (that's just my opinion though).

It is confusing for a child when they have the same daily routine every night then one day you randomly change that.

It's not the same situation as a child having a tantrum because they weren't getting something they wanted, he was genuinely upset because his routine had been changed suddenly.

I think it's normal for routines to help unwind etc, even as adults we tend to all follow a loose routine and can make it hard to settle if that's thrown off

Okay I am "flexible" but it was 7pm not just after 5pm I was merely saying the tv isn't usually on past 5pm

I would have put one episode on but historically I've learnt he equally has no concept of "just one" and he's just as upset when I switch off after the agreed 1 or 2 episodes

Normally when I say "no" I don't budge because I rarely say no, my no's are pretty methodical

Love the distraction idea, I need to go with that he is easily distracted so I need to think I bit smarter

@Lou98 it was a generalised question I just gave a specific example, we have many battles like this from not wanting to get dressed to wanting ice cream for breakfast

@Cait73 my response was just to the PP about flexible routines.

My Son isn't at that age quite yet so can't give any personal experience OP but can understand it must be frustrating

@Lou98 I just look at him sometimes and wonder what's actually going in, would be so nice to know lol

If distraction doesn’t work, I’ve also found they love being in charge of making decisions, or mine does anyway. So ‘okay DS, you can watch one episode but then we won’t have time to read a book. So you can choose- episode or book (insert something they love here and you know they won’t want to miss)’. Mine feels like it’s then his choice he’s made when I know what he would’ve picked over TV so it’s a win win. Might not work but worth a try!

Going to be honest, it's hard to say no and deal with the repeated tantrums, at 3 I found the distractions at 1.5-2.5 didn't work. As I said before just let them have their moment, ignore...well for me it paid off in the end. 4 year old doesn't try that old trick much these days at all.

I took a year one class (so six years olds) out for an afternoon playtime yesterday when they don't usually have one and so many of them were bamboozled by the fact there wasn't any fruit to eat as they had had it any morning playtime as they always do. They couldn't understand the change in routine.

Yet, the work they had done in maths that morning was quite tricky and complex.

@SavoyCabbage children's brains are so complex aren't they? Fascinates me

In hindsight I was expecting too much, welcome home now get ready for bed! He either needs to return earlier or at least have an hours settle time when he gets in.

Thank you everyone