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No one will play with 6yo DS

14 replies

SeekingGinTime · 12/01/2022 20:15

6yo DS has mentioned multiple times in the past that no one wants to play with him at playtime/lunchtime. I gave him some phrases to use to ask politely and ensure he was joining a game rather than disrupting/changing a game that his class mates were playing. This seemed to work and for weeks he’s not mentioned it and played with a group of children since.

Today he came home from school and kept winding up his brother repeatedly until he was sent to his room to calm down. When I went into his room to ask why he was winding up his brother he broke down and said “I’ve had a really bad day, and it’s been very stressful for me”. I was quiet surprised as he had said his day had gone well at pick up. He then told me that he had gone round to every group in his class and asked if he could join their play during break time and all had said no. So he went and sat by himself, tried again at lunch and they all said no again and then tried again at last play and the same response.

My heart breaks for him as when he sees children on their own I’ve seen first hand him say “we need to get them to come and play so they don’t feel lonely and sad”.

He has always been a chatty member of his class, gets invited to parties and play dates, has girlfriends 🙄 and children at pick up and drop off are always shouting his name. So I’m not quiet sure how to approach this. I don’t think he is being bullied but I’m concerned as it keeps on coming back up.

I’ve also had a little niggle that he hasn’t really have a consistent best friend or friends in school. I know year 2 is very young and I’m probably comparing to myself when I was younger (but girls friendships are different).

I don’t know if to approach his school if it seems like it could be an age thing and something he will work through. But also don’t want to ignore it if it’s a bigger issue and he needs help.

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WomBat55 · 12/01/2022 20:21

I would have a chat with the teacher to see if he really is alone at break time. I find with my own 6yo DS that he is a very unreliable source of information and he has picked up on when I pay attention (when he has spoken about getting hurt at school for example) and he basically tells similar stories to get that attention again/ or to delay bedtime . The reason I say that is in your OP the objective evidence you have (party invites, play dates etc) would indicate that there is no issue. My DS would have a gang that he often plays with, but he does appear to play with most kids in the class and he definitely doesn’t have a best friend.

Berrybear · 12/01/2022 20:29

I agree with PP. I would speak to his teacher and find out more/ask her to keep an eye out without making it into a big deal right now. He told you this when he had just been reprimanded for his behaviour, which is something I've observed children doing often as a form of deflection (I'm a teacher). Often there may be an element of truth in it but it may be embellished to deflect from themselves or to give themselves an excuse for the behaviour.

SeekingGinTime · 12/01/2022 20:31

@WomBat55 thank you for your response. I had an inkling it could be because he wanted to get out of trouble (following the incident with his brother).

I’ll double check with his teacher tomorrow

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SeekingGinTime · 12/01/2022 20:33

Thank you @Berrybear that really does seem to explain it

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littleselda · 12/01/2022 20:35

Oh op I have no advice except to say that my son came home yesterday in a flood of tears as he said he didn't have any friends to play with either. Just breaks my heart Sad

workshy44 · 12/01/2022 20:36

Tell him not to ask, just say "I'm playing"
It is an automatic response for kids to say no when asked I have found.
I would also speak to the teachers

pinkiepiee · 12/01/2022 20:37

Gosh definitely speak to the school! Social and emotional development is very much part of early years at school and they can certainly help facilitate friendships. Also maybe the book how to be friends? My dd likes it and it covers joining groups etc.

SeekingGinTime · 12/01/2022 20:43

@littleselda it’s awful isn’t it! I had to sit him on my knee so he wouldn’t see that I was upset

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SeekingGinTime · 12/01/2022 20:45

@workshy44 that’s a brilliant response. Thank you! I’ll definitely suggest that to him tomorrow!

@pinkiepiee thank you! I’ll order the book

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Serenschintte · 12/01/2022 20:46

Yes agree with the no asking. Unfortunately it’s an invitation for kids to say no.
But definitely speak to his teacher.
I wouldn’t be adverse to (if possible) having a look at what is going on in the playground a couple of times.

samwitwicky · 12/01/2022 20:50

You could mention to the teacher / school about having a buddy bench in the playground. The idea is that if someone is feeling lonely or has no one to play with, they sit on the bench which signals to others that they want a buddy to join them or invite them. It works well at our school

southlondoner02 · 12/01/2022 20:58

Speak to the teacher. DD had some issues at that age and the teacher did some general discussions in the class about social interaction and being kind to each other. They also have the buddy system at her school

Knockmealdowns · 12/01/2022 21:05

Are you friends with mums in his class? Can you have play date.. and see?

liveforsummer · 12/01/2022 22:27

I do playground duty for this age group and it's pretty much unheard of for dc to have absolutely no one to play with unless it's out of choice. There's such a range of things going on and a mix of dc that most groups can just be joined in with, especially among the boys. Even the new dc with absolutely no spoken English manage. Almost without fail every complaint about no one to play with turns out to be the complaining dc not wanting to play what others are but they won't necessarily admit it. Certainly speak to the teacher but I'd expect you might get a different version of events to what your dc is telling you

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