My 15 month old hates going to nursery

[theautumnalmanac]

Since my DS was about 8 months old we have been taking him once a week for a full day at nursery. He spends the rest of the week either with me or his grandparents while my partner and I work. Every week without fail, we take him to the nursery door and he screams. I really hoped this would have stopped by now.

Most weeks they tell me he has been difficult to settle but he got there in the end and had a nice afternoon. Today however, the nursery assistant told me he'd been so unsettled all day. He was crying, screaming, pulling his hair, getting so worked up he got a heat rash.

She asked me today what he was like at home and whether there was anything they could do. These seem like reasonable questions but I've come away thinking 'is he that hard to deal with? Why are they asking my advice? Have they really never dealt with anyone like him before?' Of course I realise they're asking as I know him best but honestly, i'm unsure what to suggest.

DS can be difficult. He refuses to feed himself, he doesn't walk yet and he will only say 'mama' or 'dada' but this is random and he is not referring to us. I must sound horrible. He's a lovely little boy but I feel so hopeless. Have I done something wrong? Can I help him?

I think the issue is it’s only 1 day a wk- all the nurseries I saw when my eldest went had a minimum of 2 days. I honestly think it’s because otherwise such young kids can’t remember and build that security with a place/ people. Sorry that’s not that helpful

I don’t think he’s going often enough. To settle in properly they need to go a few days a week. 6 days is ages to a toddler, after that long at home nursery seems strange & scary again. Is he cruising and pulling to stand? What’s he like generally?

Yeah I agree with other posters. I don’t think one day is enough. However have you thought of a Childminder. It’s a more home from home settling. I found my DS has settled better in one of the these instead of nursery. X

Could you try a few mornings a week at nursery rather than one whole day? I also suspect he's not there enough to settle and perhaps he might do better with more frequent sessions that are shorter.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers Yeah I've considered that, it is helpful for someone to suggest this. I'm just not sure I could afford another day as it stands but it might be worth seriously thinking about if things don't change.

That’s really, really tough. I feel for you. In my antenatal group there were teething issues for all of them when starting nursery (most go to the same one) but generally now their reactions range from indifference to excitement (age range 18-20 months).

I do agree with PPs, our nursery won’t allow just one day a week as it’s really difficult for the babies to settle apparently. 2 or more days gives more of a routine.

Which room is he in? DS was also a late walker (16 months) and remained in the baby room until he could walk confidently, despite the transition point being technically 15-16 months . They tried him in the toddler room at 15 months as socially he was ready, but he couldn’t cope with not being able to move.

Is it worth having a wee chat with your HV? They usually have a good idea about the nurseries in their patch.

I’m a childminder. I don’t take children on for just one day a week. I’ve learnt from experience they just don’t settle and that’s unfair on the child and the other children I care for.

I’d speak to nursery and ask if they can increase your dc days and send him twice, maybe even three times a week and see if that helps at all. The more times he goes, the more he will get to know the people caring for him and the routine in the nursery. One day a week just isn’t enough to build relationships with other people and for your dc to learn to trust the staff.

@Lifeisnteasy you're right, it's a long time! He is crusing and can just about walk 2 steps unaided. He just seems to lack the motivation! I'm hoping he'll get there though. He's super smiley when he's used to to you but very uncertain in new places with new people. I took him to a baby class with a soft play area yesterday and even though I stayed with him, he screamed and clung on to me for the first 15 minutes.

Thank you all, I think more days is something really worth considering. I know its different but I guess I just wonder why for instance he is an absolute breeze for my partner's parents when he sees them only once a week? Of course they are family but he doesn't seem to need this transition in this instance at all.

I guess he’s probably fine with your inlaws as it’s a quieter, less stimulating place with more one-on-one adult time than nursery. If he’s naturally sensitive and needs more reassurance it probably suits him quite well. He sounds like a sweetheart!

@theautumnalmanac

Thank you all, I think more days is something really worth considering. I know its different but I guess I just wonder why for instance he is an absolute breeze for my partner's parents when he sees them only once a week? Of course they are family but he doesn't seem to need this transition in this instance at all.

I’d say because it’s one to one, in a home so more familiar a setting- plus I assume theyve built a bond over his life.

I've been asked a similar question more than once when my DD was going through a difficult patch with nursery drop-off (covid has meant multiple re-settlings, great fun), and I know at least a couple other parents who have been asked as well. For us, immediate distraction at the door (we drop off at the door) tends to help – a tempting toy, something new to see, whatever. Another parent found that letting the child go in and start playing with as little fuss from staff as possible helped (that was drop off at the room, though).

Does he go from you to a (mostly) consistent member of staff? It's not something I asked for, but I definitely think they've tried to keep that consistency when we're getting tears at drop-off.

When DD first started, they also asked about what activities she particularly enjoyed at home, as well as favourite books and songs, so they could make sure those things were included to help draw her into playing and settle her into the day.

I'm a nanny of many years but before this I worked in nursery and a little boy of a similar age only came to us on a Friday and just didn't settle, like ever. I was his fave though and I absolutely adored him. He would settle with me and not cry at least but it was quite sad he never seemed to feel comfortable there and a week is just a long time I guess for a little one.

My DS is 15 months too. I really feel for you as tonight just before bedtime he cried for 20-30min nonstop and nothing comforted him for no reasons that we could think of, and it never happened before. So I wonder if it’s the developmental phase issue. I do agree with the others that 1 day a week in nursery is not enough to settle. My DS started nursery when he was 10 months old with 2 days a week, then quickly built out to 5 days. We also thought to start with 1 day then build it up gradually but the staff told us that it wouldn’t work well that way. Even now he has just moved up to the toddler room, he still cries sometimes at the drop off this week, probably because he didn’t go in much during the holidays and to a new room not 100% settled yet. I’d suggest to increase the days to at least 2 days.