Hi Mumsnetters. I'm just reaching out because I've been going through a period of quite severe anxiety. I'm generally quote anxious, I've had (and am having) counselling and recently started medication. But I've had 2 big bouts of anxiety in the past couple of months and they Centre around the same thing.
I have a DS who is nearly 6 and DD who is 1. I don't know how much is seeing DS get older, DD coming along, losing my mum in 2020, Covid or whatever combination but it's like at some point the scales fell from my eyes and I realised I had been so anxious and over protective with DS. I.had quite a lot of difficult stuff in my own background, which I had worked through in therapy. In addition DS developed a severe infection as a newborn and nearly died. I think those things didn't help. But whereas I thought I was doing all the good stuff around developing a secure attachment, positive parenting etc, I can now see that I was massively over compensating and actually I restricted his chances to be confident and independent. I barely let him cry and without meaning too I can see that I tried to shield him from uncomfortable and difficult emotions (where in fact my conscious aim was completely the opposite).
Maybe this wouldn't matter except that I can see now that he is quite an anxious little boy. He has temper tantrums, he doesn't like going to sleep by himself (though he does now have to!) he gets apprehensive about doing new things I'd me or OH won't be there and he asks a lot for reassurance specifically around hand washing ('I've touched X, will I need to wash my hands). It's not at this point that it really inhibits his day to day life - he goes to school funeral, goes to school clubs, goes to play dates by himself, sleepovers at relatives etc. So for now I am kind of focused on helping him to develop his independence and confidence and seeing to what extent he grows out of some of these things.
The big thing for me is that I just feel utterly miserable and wracked with guilt. I've made my son anxious when that was literally the last thing I wanted to do. I've failed him and feel not just like a terrible mum but also a terrible person. I know I can't change the past and have to move on but I dont know how. He is a lovely, fun, funny, energetic and thoughtful boy and I just keep thinking of how I've messed up and all the ways that his life might be harder because of it.