Bossy daughter, no friends!

[Helena2346]

Hi guys,

I’m an old user & thought I’d come back here for some advice about my daughter, she’s 10 & has such a bad attitude - very bossy, very cheeky but generally well behaved

She’s cheeky, bossy & I believe at school always want to be the boss. As a result has been overlooked for many a party (since lockdown ended)

I’ve been through every possible way of parenting this matter I can think of, we’ve had open discussions, punishments, talks with her teacher - who put everything down to her being an only child.

Conversations between me & her are often frustrating as she can be so rude, for instance, after locking the car I went back to check something, when I got a comment:
‘No mummy, you dont want to do that do you, leave it, put it down & walk away

It may not translate as it did in real life, but it was such a rude shitty comment. Now I don’t speak to her like that at all & neither does her dad, so I’m
not sure where this attitude is from.

As I said above apart from her being cheeky, she’s generally a well behaved happy girl.

But I’m at my wits end being told there’s another party she’s not invited too or friendship problems at parents evening.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I have three children and they have to share and compromise - which only children don’t always get the practice.

For example, it’s x turn to choose pudding, it’s Ys turn to pick a game it’s Zs turn to choose the film.

Now as a parent you tend to let the kids have a choice, I’m going to assume you haven’t always said No it’s my turn?

How do conversations go? If she asks you to do something, do you make her wait? Tell her your busy? Or do it straight away?

Think of the small things you do that might give her the impressions she’s in charge.

How does she react if you don’t do her bidding at home?

I believe that that way of speaking comes from some of the truly awful TV (mostly American, but not all) they watch. Entire shows that seem to be based around the premise that all adults are stupid.
Mine try it occasionally and get told in no uncertain terms that I will not be spoken too like an I’m an idiot child.
How well does she read social cues in general because being overbearing and uncompromising with friends shows that she’s not really noticing how she impacts on others and how they’re reacting to her behaviour.
Is she used to being in control at home? Does she have to compromise and do things that other people want to do?

@BluebellsGreenbells thank you for your response, what I will admit too, is with her grandparents she is really spoilt, to the point she clicks her fingers & they provide it! At home, it’s not like that and I have tried to ensure it doesn’t continue

@Smartiepants79 thank you for the response! She does watch those cheesy American tv shows, so it may well come from those!

I have spent the evening trying to help her understand that she must take on board how other people feel when she is being bossy & to make friends you have to try to build a relationship so I hope it’s got through!

I will take the points about compromise & control at home, our world absolutely revolves around her so maybe it is somewhat down to her being an only child?

I am thinking of maybe some social skills workshops or possibly a few counselling sessions, but maybe that’s too much?

What did you do when she spoke to you in that bossy, rude way?

10 is the age when parties get smaller and being left out is going to happen however nice you are.

It's important not to make her feel really shit by laying all the friendship troubles she has on the fact she's essentially not very nice. I'm sure she is a nice kid and you need to reinforce and reinforce that along with how much you love her.

At the same time a few habitual changes might help - don't always put your own wishes behind hers even when it comes to small things that you're not bothered about. For example don't always do child centred days out, or prioritise what you want to eat for dinner etc.

I'm interested in how you respond when she speaks to you in a way you don't like. I would have given my kids a look and they would have apologised, or if not a 'don't speak to me like that thank you!'

I am a total pushover but a comment like that would have got a withering stare and possibly a comment about whether she would like to do the shopping and/or drive the car home. You are the parent. She is not.

That age does seem a lot of transitions. It sounds like she's aping adult responses - her peers might be more sophisticated and like I say it sounds like she is aping the way parents talk - it won't wash with them. I expect that's why school is difficult for her at the moment. That might shake out in time - she is most likely just growing and figuring ways to be and will find her tribe at some point.

I've had a socially awkward pre teen (albeit with a sibling who can provide a constant counter - for better or worse) and it is difficult but I think just they have to go through it but with love and cuddles of course...

Short version. Don't allow your daughter to tell you off. Give lots of love. I'm sure she will be fine in time. Covid has stopped children being around other children. Some just "get it" and others take a bit longer and pandemic won't have helped with that x

I have an only child, and I've basically learnt you have to be "older sibling" as well as Mum. (and dad in my case)

So I don't let DS choose everything he wants on TV, I get to take turns also, or decide what game we are going to play this time, or where we are going to go for a walk, and then he also gets his turn to choose.

Does that make sense?

Oh with the being cheeky thing, yeah DS tried a sarcastic cheeky comment the other day. I just stared at him and due to my accent/and where I grew up (rough area) I just reacted on instinct and I looked him square in the eye and said "you said what, mate?" 😳 I don't even know where it came from, but DS hasn't been cheeky since. But I don't advise this method of basically squaring up to your child 😳🤦🏻‍♀️

Hi op, apologies of this come across as critical, it's not meant that way just an observation from the dynamics of the only children I know.
In all cases the children are pandered to, most of the time overly so, so in some cases it's obvious they never hear the word no, are given everything because "why not". They don't usually learn to share because as a pp said as parents we often let the kids choose what to watch or what to eat, let them choose what's on tv, let them win the games, where to go on a day out etc... if there is more than one child then those choices are usually split between the children, loosing and sharing is an every day occurrence, but with only children they are always making the decisions and don't have to share or loose.
I'm sorry to say all the only children I know are bossy and very self centered because naturally it's the way they have been brought up, they have similar attributes to your dd and I believe that is due to the amount of time they get their own way. I don't believe for a second the parents have down this intentionally and it's a product of the only child dynamic, but they are all facing very similar issues now the children are older.
Fwiw I think you sound like you recognize these issues and at the very least if you haven't already, will start working on these. But I think ultimately your dd needs to know she isn't the boss and she doesn't get to make all the decisions.

I usually say things like ‘rude cheeky comment’? Mmmm did you mean ‘nice way of saying it’

So they’d are told it’s wrong, but you give them the correction -

What does she do outside of school, OP?

I recommend mixing with other dc in different settings to all families, but I think it applies all the more to children who don't have siblings.

Does she go to Guides or Cubs or play in a sports team or is she part of any youth activities where she won't be "the one" that others dance around ?
I think that would be far better than counselling.

It may help if she can mix with a group of children of different ages - younger ones so that she can develop a caring side and older ones who will put her in her place.
Not sure where you can find a mixed-age social club for children.