After having a child have you reflected ALOT on your upbringing?

[yoooop]

A lot of my maternity (baby now 11mo) I have reflected on my upbringing. Thought about things that I didn't even consider before having a baby regarding my upbringing.

Mostly I had a good and safe childhood, but I can't help to look back and feel disappointed with my parents over things they could have done, or taught me.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes but I accept it was a different time. The 90s were a different world really too

I went through the criticism of my mother's parenting when I was a teenager but with my child I remembered what life had been like for me at her age. It was interesting but hard when she reached the age where I had unresolved issues

Yes, brought up in the 80’s/90’s, lots of things were different in the way I (and others) were parented. I didn’t have much 1:1 time with parents, we were pretty feral and left to our own devices from the age of 6 onwards.

Yes, but as your child gets older you too will make mistakes and realise that your parents were just doing their best.

Apparently my gran used to stand up for my mum and get cross and be rude to her friends if they ever fell out with my mum. As a result my mum never stood up for me, as she didn't want to be like her mum, and as a result of that I have always stood up for my dd as I know what it's like to not have someone on your side although I have never been rude to her friends. Your child will not necessarily agree with your parenting, no matter how well intentioned you are.

Hell yes. Actually I'm hoping to book myself for therapy because I have a lot more baggage than I initially thought. Lots of unresolved anger and resentment that I don't want to spill onto my DD. I too had a pretty decent childhood by most standards, or at least anyone looking in would say so.

Yes but it's made me appreciate (even more) what great parents I have.

I really try to be like them but worry I'm not as good at it then they were 😕. DH is very much like my parents with our DC so I am really thankful for that.

Both my DM and DF were just always emotionally there for us. They were patient and encouraging.

@BootsScootsAndToots

Yes but it's made me appreciate (even more) what great parents I have.

I really try to be like them but worry I'm not as good at it then they were 😕. DH is very much like my parents with our DC so I am really thankful for that.

Both my DM and DF were just always emotionally there for us. They were patient and encouraging.

They sound great, I'm sure you are both too, wonderful parents

@OhHappyDayyy

Hell yes. Actually I'm hoping to book myself for therapy because I have a lot more baggage than I initially thought. Lots of unresolved anger and resentment that I don't want to spill onto my DD. I too had a pretty decent childhood by most standards, or at least anyone looking in would say so.

I feel alot like this too

Yes. I'm glad I've already had a lot of therapy, but I think I need more. The older I get the more I realize that I was on the receiving end of some really questionable/emotionally abusive parenting.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. It didn’t really come up with my first, but definitely after my second was born. I never really thought of it growing up or even as an adult, but now I have two children it has definitely raised some questions within me. Especially as there are 7 years between myself and my older brother and there happens to be 7 years between my son and my daughter (not intentional).

Honestly I think the relationship I have with my parents has taught me how to parent.

They were always very 'same page' so we always knew where we stood, very kind, helped us to be curious, funny, engaged, encouraging. The absolute best really, wouldn't change a thing.... would like to go back in time probably 🤣

Funnily, my mum said the other day she always thinks back and wonders could she have done more, mum guilt never ends!

My parents were selfish - they loved themselves much more than their children. Sadly, they definitely weren't doing their absolute best, not even close. My beloved grandparents were my true parents and losing them was the pain and suffering you'd experience when losing a parent, it just won't be the same with my mum and dad.

My goal in life is to immerse my daughter in love, be there for her no matter what and provide a roof over her head. Support her. Go to every single parents' evening. Assemblies. Encourage her to pursue interests. All the things I never had.

I think it’s really common. For me it wasn’t until we had our second that I began to consider how I was raised (always in trouble, quite often smacked etc) and became a bit depressed. Three years later I’ve come out the other side and don’t think about it so much.

Yes, it’s very difficult to face that kind of thing, and when you make your own mistakes you get the worry and the guilt with that too. One of the worst things about parenting in my opinion.

Yes, and mine is 9 and it still raises its head frequently.

I don't blame my parents in the least they were themselves the product of dysfunctional, extremely deprived backgrounds, and both were eldest children who lost a parent very young and had to leave school and support the family financially in their early teens, and they weren't consciously cruel or neglectful to their own children, though they had far too many but they simply had no idea that children need more than basic food and shelter, because they were lucky to get that in their own childhoods.

Stuff like teaching basic personal hygiene, helping with homework, individual attention, thinking about their children as individuals with emotional needs -- not on their radar.

I imagine they think the way I parent DS is quite mad.

A good therapist has definitely helped, though -- it gave me a space to talk about the shortcomings of my upbringing without assigning blame, because there is zero point in trying to talk about it with my parents.

Yes. That was one of the things I didn't expect, how I would look back and feel so upset at some of her decisions.

I grew up in the 90s/00s. I think she did a lot right and I'm glad for it. But some things she did I feel very sad about.

Like being put in my own room virtually as soon as I was born. I'm sure lots of women have done this, but now I have my daughter and saw how helpless she was as a newborn I feel really upset that she did that. She said it was because she couldn't sleep with me there, in my mind, so what?? You'd have gotten used to it.

She did cry it out with me, she tries to down play it now, only did it "a couple of times" or "only did it once"

I won't get into when I was older.

I just feel sad when I look at pictures of me as a child. It doesn't help that my daughter looks like me, when I see pictures of me I see her.

I wasn't abused. Children go through much more than I ever did, my mother loved me and she was a single parent from when I was about 18 months, she is amazing and very successful in her career. She was a really good mother and I'm so lucky I had her. But yeah, a lot of issues I had or have now I feel may have been down to her. Makes me worried about what I'm going to do wrong.

She did do a lot right though and still does. One of the things she did right was be there for me! Unlike my father who I don't know!

What sort of things were you thinking of OP?

Yes. And as they get older it continues. Me and my sister have reflected a lot and changed the cycle.

I think it will be interesting to see what is currently regarded as best parenting practise will be looked back on in horror by the next generation of parents.

Yes, I do. And I feel bad thinking like that as my parents are wonderful. But some of the things they did and said I would never do. I guess its just moving with the times. You know better, you do better.

@helpfulperson

I think it will be interesting to see what is currently regarded as best parenting practise will be looked back on in horror by the next generation of parents.

Sure, but actually only having the number of children you can afford to feed, clothe and house, teaching them basic hygiene, and giving them individual attention from time to time, isn't going to go out of fashion any time soon.

Omg yes. Im considering booking a counselor to work through it.

@helpfulperson

I think it will be interesting to see what is currently regarded as best parenting practise will be looked back on in horror by the next generation of parents.

I think there definitely will be things that they'll go "can't believe you did that! It's dangerous!" Or whatever. Like now they say you shouldn't use those plug protector things because they're dangerous

But i don't think my daughter is going to look back and be horrified that I didn't leave her to cry. Or chose not to smack her.

All the other stuff to do with car seats etc it's just progress, I'm not horrified by my car seat as a kid. It was the best that we had in those days.

Yes - I think about all the things I want to do differently. Then I feel guilty because I had a good childhood, a great one probably but there are some things that I wouldn't be happy to repeat with my children.
I then worry that my children will look at their childhood and think I should have done things differently.

Can definitely resonate with this. Pregnant with my first and there are so many things I do not want to repeat for my child(ren). Not that I had a bad childhood, but there are certainly things I want to do differently. I am also terrified of becoming my parents (or mirroring their worst traits). I too would like to find a good therapist to overcome some of these feelings.