adopting an older child

[adoptermummytobe]

Hi all. Just joined the forum. Any advice on parenting techniques to be used when considering the adoption of an older child(5-6 yrs old). I am a first time adopter.

Try the adoption boards OP as parenting an adopted child is very different.

My initial specified age group is of 0-2. However there is a 6 yr old. What are the main challenging behaviors for this age group and what are the best ways to deal with them

thanks for your promp response whenzoom

Get a copy of the book why can’t my child behave by Amber Elliott. Find out everything you can about the circumstances and why the child is up for adoption, and assume that it is downplayed by social services. Make sure that the agency or local authority is completely signed up (I mean in writing) to post adoption support.
The exact issues depend on the child, but there will no doubt be attachment disorder, possible hyper vigilance. I have witnessed a 3 year old being adopted at very close quarters, it is HARD. I cannot stress enough how the adoptive parents felt that they were not adequately prepared.
I don’t mean to scare you, it is a wonderful thing and after many years they are doing well but issues still remain. I do mean to say don’t get carried away with the romanticism that can happen over helping a child who is in need. Go in to it with support and your eyes open and expect the worst, then you will be prepared and it has a better cha Cs of being a success.
Good luck whichever way you go.

I think Therapeutic Parenting is an approach often recommended for children who have experienced trauma, but as pp said, the adoption forum will be much more helpful.

Why so many adoption queries the last few days?!

Do your research op. Therapeutic parenting and try to speak to other people who've adopted. The thing to remember is children who need adopting have been through trauma. They will have experienced abuse or neglect, i some shape or form, even babies removed at birth will likely have experienced trauma in the womb. As such they will need different parenting from birth children, and likely have behavioural issues. Sometimes love doesn't conquer all and it will take blood sweat and tears. That said, a friend is a foster carer and she has a boy who's around that age and she's said he's a lovely amazing lady, but because of his age he's unlikely to be adopted. So very sad.

We've just had a 2 yr old and a 6 yr old placed with us. They both have their quirks but there is a lot more going on with the 6 yr old. Definitely review therapeutic parenting stuff!

I had my girls when they were nearly eight and nearly five, so pretty ancient in adoption terms.
The oldest had huge meltdowns, and could also be quite manipulative, as well as resentful of me taking on the role of parenting her little sister, but underneath it all was clearly terrified The youngest was very loving and babyish, more like a toddler.
Be prepared to need to treat her as much younger, and for firmness and consistency. She is likely to be developmentally delayed and may need years of counselling and therapy.
The advantage of this age group is that you get some respite when they're in school, and they have some understanding of what is going on. The downside is they will likely have memories of birth family and whatever happened that resulted in them going into care.

Sorry, I don't know why I assumed the child was a girl.
Unfortunately my two were always extremely challenging and went completely off the rails in their teens, becoming aggressive, stealing, trashing the house, running away. The oldest went to prison for repeated assaults on me, the youngest back into care at 15 because I couldn't keep her safe. They are 20 and 17 now, and although I love them, they are still difficult, and our relationship is fragile.
I was (am) a single adopted too. There is a great book called Flying Solo by Julia Wise that I'd recommend.

I think the biggest thing to say is age is jut a measurement of time. There are things that are expected of 6 year olds societally/in usual circumstances- a child who has experienced trauma may not be where you would expect them to be. You may see much older behaviours but actual needs may be much younger than chronological age.

Take advice and really learn how and why therapeutic parenting styles might be needed.

In some ways an adopted child is always ‘newborn’ on arrival and you need to tune in quickly and meet needs before they are obvious.

Absolutely agree with @StrictlySinging about age. Children often regress when they are placed in an adoptive home. It took two years to potty train the three year old, who is now nearly a tween and will still soil their pants when stressed or upset. Their sibling was potty trained in two weeks (blood sibling placed much younger). Adopting is a wonderful thing, but it can be so very hard. We’ve also seen that pupil premium at school isn’t used to support the children who “earn” it, but pooled and the children we are close to don’t get anything additional at school to support them, their parents pay outside school.

Thanks all for your helpful advice. Therapeutic Parenting is something my SW also mentioned. The little info I have is, that the little girl has come from disruption of D-Violence.